Social anxiety?

[emetafraid]

Does anyone deal with this or have any words or comfort for me as I seem to be struggling lately. I had a good strong group of friends in high school and I'm now 27 and can count my "friends" on one hand. I know quality over quantity is what is important..but I sometimes even question a friendship I've had since I was 14.

I've recently gone back to school 2 days a week and I haven't connected with anyone. To be fair, they are all around 18 - 20 years old and I just don't fit in with them so I don't even bother trying. I know that sounds negative and I can be my own worst enemy at times...but I am the sort of person who is happy to be alone and do my own thing..I am more concerned with how others view me..and I shouldn't care..but it's so hard at this age to make decent friendships.

A LOT of people around my age (that I know of) are married or have kids and don't have much spare time to hang out. I've been single for far too long as well because I never go out to bars/pubs/clubs anymore to meet anyone.

Please tell me I'm not crazy and this feeling will pass. Nobody likes a pity party.

[thecheesecake17]

Im so sorry you're going through this.
I had a massive feel of this last night at a show my best friend played at.

I think its literally making connections ANYWHERE you can. I get what you mean with being happy when you're alone but the thing with that is, we can never get the balance right cos when we spend TOO much time alone it can feel PAINFULLY lonely. And the worst part? you're probably favoured by a lot of people in your classes and old friends but if you're giving the impression that you WANNA be alone and shy etc, people will leave you to it. Also! take advantage of the internet! Concerningly, but reassuringly, the friends i am in most contact with are people i used to snail-mail to and Skype with, but i like the distance of talking to them whilst i can do my own thing. Im in my last year of university and should be out every night partying but I literally have 5 friends and I go out once a week for a coffee with each one of them.

Dont underestimate your solitude - I think people who can handle their own company will never feel loneliness as you'll be used to it, and trust me, the further you are away from gangs of friends the more true to yourself you are…i kinda can't wait to go through the chapter of marrying and having a baby as they will be my prime focus instead of feeling the need to juggle a social life. But i know we are human and adore companionship.
What are your hobbies? Is there anything you could join? Im on a site called Interpals.net - theres a ton of people around the globe who wanna form friendships and travel buddies etc…the age range is so diverse too, I have friends who are twenty years older… don't worry about age either, you may feel 'old' compared to the 18-20 year olds but 27 , my gosh, even 40 is still young in my opinion… Im 23 soon and starting to feel societies pressure to settle down and my mum is always chiming on about how i need to conquer emet cos she wants me to have kids as soon as I'm married i think :/ awks!

Anyway. I hope you're feeling ok and if ya wanna talk hit me up on the chat at some point!

You're not crazy by the way, I always feel like that after spending a lot of time by myself.

[Bebopy5]

Hi emetafraid,

You are NOT crazy!! I know exactly what you mean by counting how many friends you have on one hand and I even still I have fingers left! I don't have many friends, lots of acquaintances, but I would never consider them a real friend. I'm close to your age, I'm 29 and also know what you mean of lots of people getting married / having kids / moving away, etc. My one friend is about to have a baby in less than a month! Its crazy! I've known her since we both were 12!

A year ago, my best friend for ages stopped talking to me. It was really hard on me, but then I realized that its not about the how many people in your life that matters it really is about the people you couldn't live without. I also realized she never truly accepted me and would lie to me all. the. time. I recently got engaged and am trying to think about some ideas about a wedding. I want a small, close friends and family sort of wedding. My wedding party wouldn't be huge in fact I can only think of 2 people on my side as bridesmaids. I'm not sad about this at all because these people mean the world to me.

I'm quite the loner too. I like to do things my way so to speak. I enjoy activities where it only involves me, but at the same time I'm not sure what I would do without certain people in my life.

You don't need to go to a bar or club to meet people. You can meet people anywhere! Do you have any hobbies? What about clubs for your hobbies for example if you like to read what about joining a book club? Does your school have any clubs where they offer it to the older students only?

This is all quite normal in my opinion. Don't ever think its you either. Peoples lives go in all sorts of directions not only with marriage and kids, but people work a lot lately too to keep finances afloat. If you ever feel lonely and would like to talk feel free to PM /chat me. I'm on here pretty regularly.

[Maige]

I totally know how you feel. When I was younger, I had a ton of friends. The more the years went on and the more my anxiety began to get worse and worse, the less friends I have. I too can pretty much count my friends on one hand - and the majority of them aren't even offline, but online friends. You are definitely not crazy, having little friends is a common problem when it comes to anxiety disorder. Just know though that having a little amount of friends isn't a bad thing - how many companions you have does not measure your worth. Even if you're like me and you mostly have internet friends.

[Afdpt]

I can relate to that feeling... I always get concerned of how others view me too which makes it hard to relax and be yourself sometimes and therefore difficulty to make/maintain friendships. It's normal to have less friends (in number) as you get older though so don't let that bother you. And also normal to have less in common with people you've been close to in the past. Doesn't mean those friendships are over, maybe in a few years you'll have more in common with them again and things will improve.

If you have any friends who you feel close to still (even 1 or 2) try to spend time with them as much as possible. If they're doing things with other friends, try to tag along. Meeting friends through friends is usually an easy way to increase you friends group.

Do you have any hobbies, or potential hobbies that you'd like to start with? Maybe even exercises classes, dance classes, art classes, etc. where you can get involved doing something you love and also meet others who share your interests. That's a good way to make friends at our age (I'm the same age as you.) It's more low key than bars and clubs and there's not a ton of pressure to socialize either as you can just focus on the activity your doing. Basically anything to get yourself "out there" and exposed to different groups of people will help you meet your new potential friends.

[emetafraid]

Thanks so much everyone for replying. It's nice to feel understood. I guess in a way being single, I am missing that kind of connection more than anything else. I'd seriously be the happiest girl in the world to have a wonderful partner and a couple of close friends! That's all I need.

I think social media sucks too. People give the impression they have a zillion friends and are incredibly popular and well-liked and that just makes me feel even crappier.

I plan to join a gym and also take up french lessons so hopefully this is a little step in the right direction. There's a meetup site in my area too, but a lot of the gatherings are of 25, 30 people and that's just a little overwhelming to me right now. One day maybe!

[Afdpt]

Social media is so fake! It's so easy for people to make their lives look so much better, happier, eventful, perfect, etc on there. I used to feel the pressure to do the same thing until I realized it was fake and pointless and just holds you to an even higher, unrealistic standard then we already were trying to achieve. We're all stressed, have insecurities, struggle, don't always look perfect, etc. but nobody chooses to talk about that on social medial (because most people don't want to read the negative really.)

I've heard it said that people who make the greatest effort to make their lives look perfect on social media, often are the more insecure/unhappy. Same with relationships - those who brag about their perfect relationships on social media are the ones who typically have the weaker relationships. So try to take those who "brag" on social media with a grain of salt because you're only seeing the version of their life that they want you to see.

The gym and french lessons sound like a great start to getting yourself out there! And the meetups could be a good goal in the future. Maybe you could even get one friend to go along to those things with you that way you don't feel as overwhelmed because you at least have one friend already to ease that.

[Bebopy5]

I agree with Afdpt social media is extremely fake!! The only reason why I have it is to keep in touch with my family in Europe otherwise I wouldn't have these accounts.

That is great you are going to join a gym and take French lessons. I used to be a member of gym and you get to see people on a regular basis and some you can connect with real easy. This guy used to be at the gym around the same time I would go and we would help each other out with our work outs. We got to know each other fairly well, we'd discuss family, what we did for a living, schooling, etc. Give yourself some time and you will see you will be happy you chose to get out there more.

That meetup site sounds like a great idea too! Don't discourage yourself!