I'm almost over it. (This is very long and maybe a bit TW!)

[BarnOwl]

Hello everybody!

I am writing this not to gloat, but to update you on how I am doing. This would have been in the Triumphs bit but no one really looks at that. Because I believe I have almost gotten over my emetophobia.

In March of this year, my best friend was violently ill right next to me. In school. Right near the Headteacher's office...eek! This made my already existing emetophobia sky-rocket into a whole different territory of horrible. I legged it as far away from that spot as I can. After being sent home in hysterics, I starved myself for the 48 hours after exposure. I was fine.

A few weeks later, I started to lose my appetite. I remember the last full meal I ate before this was a plate of chips (British chips), and even then I wasn't hungry. And I love chips, so that was pretty weird. The nausea started a few days after, when I got a nasty cold. But even when I got over that cold, I still felt so sick that I couldn't eat. I didn't eat a full meal or drink a full drink for over a month. I went to my GP, she thought it was all in my head. Bear in mind that the nausea and stomach pain was so severe that I couldn't eat more than a mouthful of food even on a good day. I even got taken to Accident and Emergency because I developed severe depression with very unwanted thoughts. They thought the sickness was all in my head as well. They put me on Sertraline, which made me feel even worse. And then it was Risperidone because I started to get irritable. No one actually believed that I felt this ill.

I thankfully started eating again, even though right now I can only eat small portions of things. 4 months after the first symptoms, I went to see a different GP who actually took me seriously and referred me for tests. They believe that it's either Inflammatory Bowel Disease (either Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis - not to be confused with Irritable Bowel Syndrome) or something wrong with my pancreas. The latter is a bit worrying as pancreatic cancer runs in my family. Now I'm looking forward to an upper GI endoscopy and a colonoscopy in the same surgery(!) That means I have to do the "dreaded" prep. And somehow,

I'm not as scared as I once was.

Yes, the prep is going to be rough. I may well even vomit. I might vomit after the colonoscopy. A few months ago, this would have sended me into a huge panic attack. But now, whilst it still scares me a little, I'm not as bothered by it.

I've learnt that vomiting isn't the worst thing in the world. Whilst it isn't pleasant, by any means, it isn't dangerous.

I think that actually being ill and possibly having cancer has put the phobia into perspective for me. Sometimes I think we get so lost in the tiny, trivial details of everything that we totally forget the bigger picture. Totally going against this phobia and what it makes us think, vomiting is not the worst thing to happen to us. Have you ever watched Threads?

But I did say "almost" in the title. I am still scared of it. I would not like it to happen to me anytime soon. But I'm getting there. And I think being away from the forum helped me a lot.

I'm not trying to offend or berate anybody on the forum. I understand that it can be good to network with people you understand. But I don't really think it's for me anymore. The time I did spend on here making "help me" posts actually made me feel more paranoid about illness. And I made a lot of posts. Whenever I felt a funny thing in my stomach, or ate something questionable I'd be straight on here. For me, it only made the fear worse. After my last panic post, I told myself not to make another one. And I felt so much better. I started to talk myself out of the panicking. I haven't had an emetophobia related panic attack since September, when I stopped panic-posting. I learnt my own ways of coping with nausea and panic attacks. Posting on here prevented me from this. This is what's called an unhelpful behaviour. Again, I am not trying to berate, belittle, or offend the forum or anyone on it. I just feel that posting on the forum every time my stomach twinged didn't help me at all.

I will still be here. Not to post panic posts, but to try and offer advice to those who need it.

Sincerely,

A clinically diagnosed severe emetophobic 14 year old who is now a moderately-to-mild emetophobic 15 year old

(Tl;dr - My lifelong emetophobia caused a mental breakdown in March after my friend was really ill next to me. I also had horrible nausea and stomach pains which stopped me from eating properly for over a month but everyone thought it was in my head. Now I might be actually ill with IBD or cancer and I don't feel so bad about vomiting anymore. What helped was the CBT and not posting constant hysterical panic-posts like I used to. Always here to help, peace out )

[alex.j]

In March of this year, my best friend was violently ill right next to me.

That's a horrible situation for you and your friend I would have also fasted for 48 hours.

The nausea started a few days after, when I got a nasty cold. But even when I got over that cold, I still felt so sick that I couldn't eat.

This sounds exactly like my case of labyrinthitis. I developed it after a cold, and it lasted me months. Nausea, and I could barely eat. Some days I would straight out skip meals and the next day would eat less than a snack-size portion of food. Was in so much pain and was miserable.

No one actually believed that I felt this ill.

Same for me! Everyone thought it was because of my anxiety that I was feeling the way I was. An ENT confirmed I was right, it wasn't in my head. Have you also considered checking with an ENT? The fact that you developed these symptoms after a cold, it could be labyrinthitis. And most of the effects are curable with physical therapy and time.

I've learnt that vomiting isn't the worst thing in the world. Whilst it isn't pleasant, by any means, it isn't dangerous.

Awesome way of thinking! Sounds like you're really close to completely overcoming emetophobia

[AoD]

Pancreatic cancer at your age would be very surprising, even if it runs in your family. I know it worries you, but try not to dwell on it, it's much more likely it is something else. I'm sorry you have so many digestive issues! I just have IBS and I wouldn't even wish that on anyone... It's good to know you're doing better with your phobia though

My phobia is very manageable right now, and I try not to panic post too much myself. I mostly come here not for reassurance, but more to whine to people who understand what it's like. Because I have no one to complain to when I feel well (I live alone, don't have any close friends, and my family isn't near). So when I'm alone and unwell I like to post here to get some comfort. But the main reason I stick around even though I don't really "need" to, is that I like to reply to people when they are freaking out or wondering about the finer points of epidemiology of stomach problems.

Best of luck on your upcoming medical tests, I'm sure you'll do very well! Keep us posted on the results if you can, it'd be nice to know it's nothing dangerous after all.

[tiredofitall]

I have to agree that spending a lot of time on here can make the emet situation worse in some cases. I have seen so many posts about things I would never give a second thought to. If I worried about all that I read on here I would have some type of mental breakdown. I hope you get to the bottom of your digestive issues. And by the way-your post was very well written for a 15 year old. I'm an English teacher and I wish my students could write half as well as you.

[thecheesecake17]

Love this post. You were careful not to miss the consistent postage that goes on here but was honest - I also got so bad from reading stuff on here last year that I couldn't stop thinking about IT as it was all I thought about. Now? It's actually hard for me to think about...unless of course I feel really n*.. I had a dream two nights ago that someone was getting sick in my bathroom and I managed to shake off the horrible fear after ten mins of waking up.

Anyway, so happy for you, you have a fantastic mindset for someone so young - you're gonna feel so much better after the endo, let us know how it goes

[Beeleybaby]

That's great news! Especially at your age. I'm 34 and had it my whole life. I do try and relax myself a bit when I panic. I can usually cope unless there is a stomach bug and then I'm back to square one. xx

[Wynter Loveless]

I am so happy to be reading this right now !!! Im 33 and have had it my whole life.. i have been doing the cure your emetiphobia and thrive program. For the first time ive felt like u can beat this !!!.. btw ive had the upper scope and had zero issues with it . Also ask your dr for a soft prep . Ive asked hundreds of people on different sites about the lower scope and no one has said they were sick from it . And i have a friend who has rhem all the time for her issues. .. i need to have one this year too . Also not posting about whats going on with me and telling everyone like i used to has been a big help. U are on the riggt track. ! Im sending love and prayers your way that its nothing bad !!! Huggs from kentucky