I'm getting sick of this lifestyle. I hate this fear but I hate vomiting even more. I will NEVER allow myself to throw up. I can't do that ever. I don't want it to happen. But it just seems everyday, I'm one step closer to it.

I'll ONLY eat at fast food joints instead of restaurants or what we have at home. Why? Because frankly, my Aunt sucks at putting things away after two hours. She'll leave chicken, beef, and pork out for at least THREE hours before putting it up then will get mad at me for not eating it.


She brought home chicken express and my cousin went to tell me that she did. When I asked her if she just got here, my aunt replied "I've been here for a little while" and the chicken was barely warm. So I refuse to eat it.
Because she saw me pick up the chicken, I HAD to act like I was gonna eat it. I ended up folding the plate and throwing it in the trash when she wasn't looking. I hate it. I hate that I can't eat and that I have to deal with the fact that no one here respects my fears enough to at least try to put food up before they're at risk of perishing. They don't care if I'm at risk. I can't complain to her or tell her about it because I'll get scolded and ridiculed for it. I'm so hungry but I'm scared to eat.

I don't know what to do. Everyday something that potentially could have vomit-inducing germs in it ends up hitting me in the mouth. Be it my shirt, my blanket, my headphones, my hands after I hang out outside, either that or I'll end up eating food that I find out was left out for a while. It's like God/The Universe itself is trying to make me throw up.

At this point, I'm practically Bed-bound and starving myself. I'm mentally sick and making myself physically sick by not eating or getting out. Just 4 months ago, I was out &I about! I'd feel sick every now and then but I was almost always feeling fine! I was eating so much and going out often! And now I'm a mess.

I'm honestly having thoughts of suicide now. This practically is suicide how I'm slowly killing myself. I might as well speed it up and end it sooner.. I don't really want to die but I don't have anymore options! I'm too scared of getting sick! Please help..