I’m new and would like to share my story.

[michellen131]

Hi, my name is Michelle and I have suffered with Emetophobia since I was very young, 10 years old to be exact. I'm 24 years old now and I suffer with this phobia every single day. I'm nauseated at least every other day, to the point where I am absolutely miserable. I'm a mom and made it through my pregnancy with just nausea, and very thankful for that. I'm tired of living my life like this. No one knows that I have this phobia and I'm at my wits end and how I found myself here is because of the guilt I feel, I called my husband to see what he would like to have for dinner this evening only to find that he had been throwing up and had the symptoms of a stomach flu, it's been going around so I hear, and I just so happened to be at my mothers home with my son, I let him know that I didn't want to catch what he had and that I didn't want my son too either, so we were going to stay the night at my mothers. He was very upset and angry about that, this is the third time since my son has been born that I have stayed here at my moms due to him being physically ill (throwing up). I am currently going through medical tests for my chronic nausea, I've had a sonogram done for gall stones, test came out normal, had an MRI done, came out normal, now I am going to see a Gastro doctor to get a scope done (where they put you under and stick a camera down your throat) I refuse to let them do the procedure because I am scared to death that I will vomit due to being put under. I'm too ashamed to tell my doctor that nothing other than having emetophobia is causing my chronic nausea, and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone, even my mother whom I tell everything too. This phobia has caused me to become somewhat reclusive, I'm a stay at home mom, which makes it even easier...I don't like to take my son who is 20 months old to a store where he will have to sit in a cart (grocery store, Target, ect...) becauseI am scared to death that he will catch something, and if I do take him I carry Lysol wipes in my SUV to wipe the cart down, I am fearful of him playing with other children who may be sick and if they are they are not aloud to come over and after every play date I Lysol everything that may have been contaminated with germs, and I mean everything. I bleach everything, even my hardwood floors, which has almost ruined my floors. I use Purrell hand sanitizer after I touch anything and when I say anything, I mean anything even the gas pump after puting gas in my car. I wash my hands raw, and I avoid cooking in fear that I wont cook something properly. I check the dates on everything and wont eat or drink from others. My phobia has progressed this bad since my son has been born. I fear that he will be the same as me and I fear that I will ruin his life if I continue to be this obsessive. I know my actions are not rational, however I can't change them. It helps to know that others out there share my phobia and that I am not alone. I am so glad that there is a place like this where I can come to share my fear. I feel terrible about myself, rediculous and ashamed. If you can offer advice, or to just share your story, I'm here. Thank You for taking the time to read my story. Sincerely, Michelle

[blondie90]

hey Michelle, welcome to the site! it's really easy to feel ashamed of this phobia. most of my friends and familyknow i suffer from it, but they usually make light of it because they don't know how else to react and they don't understand how serious it is. if it will be beneficial to your health, you should really try your best to tell your doctor that it's become a burden in your life. just taking the inital step to tell someone will make you feel better. it may also help to talk to someone like a social worker. there are plenty of members on this site who have overcome this fear simply by talking to a psychologist. i, for one, am only 18 years old and i know that in the future when i have children i will seek professional help as well. you shouldn't feel terrible about yourself; you're not alone! i'm sure all of us here on this website deal with people in our lives who don't understand emetophobia, and as a result they may get angry and fed up with us. that's what this site is for. just know that you have no reason to feel ridiculous. i'm sure that you're a wonderful mother and wife and with time your family will learn to accept the phobia for what it is. please don't get too down on yourself. with some effort we can all fight this fear. if we work hard enough it will pass. keep in touch and let us know how you're doing!!!


-kristina

[ameize]

(((((((hugs to you))))))))))))
(I'm new here today too!)

Here is a little about me: When I was 8, I woke up to my dad yelling "I'm going to die" while vomiting... and guess what the result was? ding ding ding - we have a winner! fear of vomitting for me! I came to beleive you are going to die if you V* - and if you don't, it's b/c someone saved your life (my dad didn't die - but my mom was with him -so I concluded she saved his life) - this is tough stuff for an 8yo to figure out.

24 years later, I V*d for the 4th time in my life. My mom was on the phone w/ me b/c I was alone and through a series of events, I recalled that night when I was 8 - and finally figured out where my fear came from. I never knew - I had supressed that memory. I lived my life for 24 years just like you - avoiding sooo much, trying to predict and prevent it and missing out on lots of great stuff b/c of my fear.

The day I finally figured out where the fear came from, I started a 2 year search for a psychotherapy program to help me get over it. I was done missing out on my life. After 2 unsuccessful therapist programs, I found one that addressed the anxiety I had and the fear. And I learned soooooooooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!

One kind of cool (?) thing I learned is the phsyiological impacts anxiety has on us - let me break it down the way it was for me:
Vomit (or anything we have a phobia of) = Danger (just like being chased by hungry lions - think of them as the same level of danger)
Danger = PANIC! (sudden, intense fear for your safety)
Panic = release of chemicals in your nervous system = fight or flight
fight or flight = preparing your body to defend yourself against danger (lions, vomit, whatever)
This defense includes: blood moving to your major muscles/organs to prepare to run/fight etc; digestive systems starts to slow down (to allow energy to go to muscles); lungs start to use oxygen differently (which throws off the breathing rythym - shallow breathing or hyperventalation can result) (there are more symptoms, but those were my big ones - so I know more about them than others). Blood movement and dig. system changes result in the feeling of nausea - which for an emet makes the anxiety even worse and the cycles goes on and on....

Learning this helped me understand my body so much. I also learned about the tricks I use to avoid V*, came to understand the emotions I've wrapped up in the fear and learned how my thouhgts and actions were related. Part of the program also involved exposures. Nothing - NOTHING - seemed more horrifying to me at the start than this - (but I powered through it for my husband and the children I hope to have soon). I started by looking at pics of V*, then I listened to the sounds of someone getting sick on CD, then I watched video clips of people V*ing - and then - you won't beleive it (I didn't) - I actually took Ipecac and vomitted myself (all with a therapist and/or nurse there). This was just last week - but I can't even tell you the freedom I am feeling already.

I shared this with you Michelle - b/c I see a lot of myself in your post and want you to know things can change - with the right program at the right time. Also - I hear you on the shame part - but I'd bet that you didn't just wake up one day DECIDING to have a fear that interrupts your life like this - I'd bet you did nothing to deserve the fear (like I didn't either). I always felt like "everyone dislikes V*, why do I get to hate it more? just get over it - everyone else can cope - I should too". I judged myself and have learned that I don't have to. Damn, I learned so much and see myself and my life so differently now. The journey isn't quite over (it may never be) but it is a different road now. I'd encourage you to look for something like this (the program I did was in Boston, at a large University) - dig deep for the courage to tell your DR - s/he could probably help you find a progr

[kel12347]

Hi Michelle, welcome to the site. You sound just like most of us! As far as getting the endoscopy done, I wouldn't worry about it. I had it done, and the worst part was when I woke up, I had to pee soooo bad but I was dizzy and had a hard time walking to the bathroom. No n* or v* at all. And I had it done 10 years ago, so the technology is probably better now. Also, ameize's got an excellent point - find some treatment (finding someone who understands and is willing to help is probably the hardest part of this whole game). I'm in therapy and am currently working through exposure therapy. I've made so much progress!!! I am also taking medication. Talk to a doctor to see what options are best for you. Oh, by the way, congrats ameize for getting through the exposure therapy. I tried ipecac three years ago, and it was hell. Now I'm working through much smaller steps on the exposure scale, and it's working much better.


Welcome, and best of luck to you!

[michellen131]

Hello all that read my postI appreciate your words and advice very much!! Thank You!


It's 9am and I'm terrified to go home, my husband has been sick all night long and there's a snow storm coming our way and he told me that if I get stuck here at my mothers that he will be very angry...I wish it would have snowed during the night, so I wouldn't have to go home. I read that he can be contagious for up to two weeks, but usually only 3 days. I feel so guilty, but my fear is overcoming me. I told my mother about my phobia this morning, thinking it would help make me feel a little better. She understood very much and was very supportive, but I don't think she grasps the whole ordeal that I go through. I don't know where this came from, it's awful. Well...I have to start getting ready to go, I'm terribly nervous. Everyone, take care and again thank you for your replys.

[lgood22573]

Hello Michelle, I too am a mom with emet. I would strongly suggest
some counseling because 1) you are affecting your son's life in every
action you do. You are affecting his self esteem, his ability to have
friends, his ability to have fun and go places, and to even eat food. I
am NOT trying to be cruel, I suffer from this too. But it is not fair to
your child to put him through your fears and phobias. You must get
some kind of help for the sake of a normal child hood for your son.

I don't think being away from your house for 3 days is irrational.
Sooner or later, no matter what you do, your son will get a sv. It is
going to happen. You cannot live in constant crippling fear of it. Don't
get me wrong, I'm carrying around those hand wipes right now too,
and I would NEVER put my daughter in a grocery cart without wiping
it down, but we still go every where. By the way- you sound like you
live near me! We have sv going around and were supposed to get a
snow storm. Your not in TN are you?

[michellen131]

Hello Lgood and all


No, sorry I'm not in TN, I actually live in Maryland. After reading your reply, I went back to what I had written the night before and realized that I may have given the wrong impression. I still, but I do make an effort. As for cooking, he is at that stage where he is extremely picky about what he eats, but still a very healthy little boy, he wont eat red meat, take my son places, we go out a lot infact, even sometimes to the point where I surprise myself. My fear is still there, but I do it for his sake. He is the last person on the planet I want to know about my phobia, simply because I don't want him to suffer with the same phobia or something worse. I just don't like to go out oftenwhich I wont cook anyway, I leave that to my husband because I don't eat red meat, I am okay with cooking chicken, which my son eats more than anything else, thank God for gerber veggies other wise he wouldn't eat them. He's on pediasure because of his pickiness, which his doctor assures me is completely normal. I have these feelings only with myself, it's my fear, I don't fear others vomitting, I have been vomitted on, literally from head to toe thanks to my husband and his night of drinking two years ago, and my son caught Rotavirus and was throwing up every 10 minutes. I'm only afraid ifI do it. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be defensive, I just realized how my first post might have been taken wrong by others.


Eitherway, I am home now, and my husband is feeling fine, it was only a 24 hour bug, but I still bleached everything last time I vomitted when I was 10 years old I was very ill, woke my mother uthat he could or might have come into contact with. Already coming here on this site has helped me in some way, mostly to know that there are others out there who suffer from this phobia. I have given it much thought as to how or why I came down with this phobia, and the only thing that I can come up with is when I was small and would get sick my father would yell at me, leave the room screaming because though now I can probably relate his behavior due to his own phobia, which is only an assumption on my part, but when I was small I was made to feel like it was a bad thing to be sick, no matter whether it was a cold,flu or stomach ailment. The p in the middle of the night who hung out with me in the bathroom the entire time, but my father got so angry that he went screaming and yelling out of the house, which I remember leaving me feeling like a horrible person and wrong in some way. So that is possibly why I have this phobia, other than that, I don't know. I'm scared to share this phobia with anyone, so I'm not sure that getting help for it is an option right now, though I know in time through the help of some self help literature it will lead me to the right path I need to take to overcome this phobia. Right now the shame of it is a lot to bear, not only the shame that I feel inside, but the shame I wear on the outside, I'm miserable all of the time because of the neausea that I have,so it leaves me feeling irritable and angry, resentful thatI haven't been able until this point to talk about it. Since finding out not too long ago that this phobia actually has a name and that I am not the only one who suffers from it has helped quite a bit. Thank You to all of you for your support and understanding.

[gubba]

Michelle,


I could have written your post myself, but i have eased up a bit in the last 2 years. I have a 4 year old son and yes, I do use wipes on his hands constantly after touching or playing with things and I do let him in the carts at the stores, but he stands in the buggy part where they tell you not to put kids. He wipes his hands the minute we get in the car. He plays on playgrounds and he eats at fun places and he has a normal life so that he won't grow to hate me. I make him use the wipes and Purell/GermX a lot and you know, he catches a few things and we move on. I panic when he is sick and I hate it for him and me both, but I have grown to learn that he is a kid and I cannot ruin his life. My life is difficult enough trying to live and be an EMET, but I will not allow him to live this way. I think the wipes and GermX are ruining him enough, so I do not want to add more to it by not allowing him to live.


As for hubby...mine had an SV in the fall and I put him in a room with a bathroom and a T.V. and closed him off. He understood that I did not want to get it nor did I want our son to, so he stayed away. He came out, 12 hours after his last V* episode and I gave him soup that he ate at the table while my son played in the next room. I lysoled everything near his room, aired it all out and it was cool outside already, but I opened windows and sprayed it all down. I understand that he is angry, but if he knew your intense fear of V*, he would rather that you stay at your moms and allow him to be free at home. I know that myhusband would have wanted me to stay away if I had wanted to and I did want to, but I stayed in another area with open windows etc.


It is difficult being and EMET mom and wife. I too feel sick almost every single day at some point. I have my whole life. I tell my mom and my husband each time I get my wave of N* and they listen and then they tune me out. I have had my gallbladder out, and tons of tests done, but I have never known that this fear of V* had a name or was anything other than a problem for me until this past fall. I amthankful to have found the wonderful support here and I know it will help you to know others know EXACTLY how you feel...I sure do

[aar13]

You sounds just like me too. When I was 18 year old, 10 years ago, I went through a string of tests trying to figure out what was causing my chronic n*. No one could give me an answer and I was so convinced that I had some horrible disease like cancer, etc. I went to my regular md, then a gastro doc, then a nuerologist and had all of those tests just to come to the conclusion that my n* comes from ANXIETY.I totally agree with what ameize has to say up top to you. I feel for you because I am scared every day during the winter that I, my husband, or my daughter are going to catch a sv*.


Welcome to this site, this is a great place to come for support! I'm new too and I've been able to deal with my fear a whole lot better knowing that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

[michellen131]

I agree with you Aar13, It is very helpful to know that I am not alone in my struggle with this awful phobia. I just came clean to my husband about it and to my surprise he was very supportive and understanding. He also told me, that had I come to him earlier about this that he wouldn't have given me a hard time about being away and assured me that the next time, I was free to stay away as long asI needed to, because he loves me and understands that how I feel is how I feel and what I am going through is just apart of me. I was so happy to know that he understands, because afterall I was sure he was going to poke fun or think I was some kind of weirdo. I appreciate all of your support and hope that I too can be of some support to you as well. I thank God that I have found this site after so long of searching for answers. Take Care All.