boyfriend issue

[lil_trooper]

sorry for the sexual topic, but you guys are great with advice and listening!!!


ok, so i ended up with a UTI (urinary tract infection a.k.a. bladder infection... OUCH!!!) Obviously I'm not going to be sexually active during this horrible ordeal. My boyfriend has a high sex drive and since we haven't had sex in the past week and a bit, it somehow came out during a conversation that he watched porn to get off during this "deprived" time of his... I couldn't help but feel a bit hurt. Am I wrong to feel this way? I mean we have a really strong bond and I guess it bothers me that he went to something else outside of our relationship to "get off". I don't know, maybe it's because our relationship in the bedroom is something intimate and special and I don't want to know that same intimacy he has with me he also haswith something that has nothing to do with me. Am I over reacting? I mean all guys are into porn aren't they?

[hippychick]

I don't think you are because you view it in your own way but I see his point, as respect to you he's not bothing you but the "urge" for release will still be there and he seeks a quick fix to that in the form of porn. It's not the same as what you guys have. It's like if you are super hungry and eat a burger (teehee) it's a quick fix but maybe not what you enjoy ya know? I don't think he will have an intimacy with porn, he see's it as a way to release his tension as it were and it can't ever be compared to the bond you two share. I know you may wanna be the only thing that ever turns him on and I have no doubt you do, but he can't touch you right now because of the pain so he's having to seek something probably not anywhere near as good. Does that make sense? just talk to him and get some reassurance.


xxxxx

[rubysoho120]

First of all not all guys are into porn, and some don't even like
the people they watch, its purely just to help relase that sexual
urge. I know I would feel hurt too, but at the same time I can't
blame him too much. I would hope my boyfriend would ask for
my help, not with sex but to get him off. There are other
intamite things. Just talk to him and let him know how you feel.

[lil_trooper]

thanks, i kind of understand now... i guess it just sucks because i'm in pain and i feel incompetent that i can't give him sex... but you guys are right, there are other ways to please him than just sex.

[crimgoddess]

I don't have a problem with porn at all- in fact my porn collection would probably be more impressive than that of my boyfriend's- hmmm.....we should probably pool ressources. It's not that I am particularly turned on by porn- I'm more fascinated and amused by the completely absurb situations. Early 80's porn.....now there are some classics.


Would you have been less hurt if he has masturbated without porn? (another one of those activities that no one wants to admit to but everyone does) To me porn is no different that masturbating to a fantasy in your head- only with porn you don't require as much of an imagination- all the work is done for you, lol.


*amber*

[stella9]

Your boyfriend is incredibly immature. Using porn to "get off" (as you put it) because you can't have sex due to a urninary tract infection is not acceptable. The reason you are hurt is because you should be. This is not how all guys react. A decent human being who has love and empathy for his girlfriend would be concerned about her illness. His time would be spent caring for her. As far as sex between you two being special ---- well maybe to you. He does not have a high sex drive, he has his priorities confused and right now, he is thinking of himself and his needs (wants) only. Quite frankly, not the foundation for a lasting and loving relationship.


Stella

[trinity_13]

No offence but I do think you are being a bit harsh there Stella. Previously this year i was unwell for some time and couldn't have sex with my boyfriend and there is no way on earth that i would have expected him to abstain from masterbation with or without porn. He wastotally supportive of me and very concerned while i was ill but he still has needs to. It would be the same for me if the roleshad have beenreversed i know my boyfriend wouldaccept that, no problems


lil_trooper as for him useing porn please do not worry, it is perfectly natural for a guy to use porn when they masterbate, it is a very poor comparison to the real thing but at the time it will do![img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img] Men are stimulated visually whereas women are stimulated emotionally and that is probably why men have more (and usually use more) porn than women!


I'm with amber on the porn issue, it is fascinating, especially the old porn ( German is best hehe)and i am not ashamed to admit that i do get turned on by a good porn movie[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]


Trinity

[crazybeautiful]

Your boyfriend is incredibly immature. Using porn to "get off" (as you put it) because you can't have sex due to a urninary tract infection is not acceptable. The reason you are hurt is because you should be. This is not how all guys react. A decent human being who has love and empathy for his girlfriend would be concerned about her illness. His time would be spent caring for her. As far as sex between you two being special ---- well maybe to you. He does not have a high sex drive, he has his priorities confused and right now, he is thinking of himself and his needs (wants) only. Quite frankly, not the foundation for a lasting and loving relationship.


Stella

I don't think that's immature Stella. LOTS of guys/girls watch porn. I think your words werea bit harsh to this girl, you basically told her that her relationship is doomed!!!


Anywho, guys can be a tad inconsiderate without realizing it. He may have been concerned, we don't know all the details!


Like many others said, there are other ways you two can be sexual without actually having sex. I had a yeast infection and my boyfriend and I coudln't have sex for about 2 weeks. Although he didn't turn to porn (when i was around anyways) I'm sure it was hard for him.


I hope everything works out for you.

[stella9]

One week without sex is not considered "deprived." I read the tone of letter as though he was not being very empathetic to her. She also said she felt hurt.Her feelings are completely justified and moreso by the way he made her feel, not so much being without sex.


I've been married for 20 years.There are plenty of times when you can't have sex, eitherbecause of pregnancy, birth, illness, work, etc. Being made to feel guilty and watching "porn" isnot a caring approach. Is that being harsh? I don't think so. Should he watch porn? Well, that depends. How is he conveying it to her? If its out of punishment to her - not acceptable. If it is because he can't go without sex for a week (which is bizarre) then it is up to her whether she thinks its acceptable.


Also, by the way, by all psychological standards, porn is not okay. Trinity 13 you are incorrect that guys usingporn is natural.


Stella

[krismerc]

Stella I couldn't disagree with you more!!!!!! You might want to ask your husband what he did during those times...I'm sure you will be very surprised! It is quite natural for men to masturbate to porn. I would rather have my husband do that then go somewhere else and get it from them!!! And by the way YES my husband does love me!


Kristen

[japa]

I believe that both men and women masturbate, and both men and women enjoy porn and/or sexual fantasies in their minds. I'm not saying all men and women but a large percentage do, and it is not something bad or evil or unhealthy.


Some people are quite conservative about sex and sexuality and believe that masturbation and porn are inappropriate or cheating. But I don't believe that because to echo what others have said, the person is not having a relationship with the porn video. The way that porn becomes a problem is if it is the only thing a person is doing to the extent that he or she is not engaging with the significant other at all.


It's true that there are other ways to satisfy your boyfriend or girlfriend than just penile-vaginal intercourse. Creativity comes in handy here.

[japa]

I'm curious about which psychological standards you mean. Do you mean the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders?


As far as I know, the psychology profession has been historically quite uptight about sex and sexuality. Being homosexual was, until the 1970's, classified as a mental illness in the DSM until gay psychologists started to lobby to have it removed.


Being a transgender individual is still classified as a mental disorder in this book. I thoroughly don't agree that it is a mental disorder.


That book also tries to stipulate a certain level of sexual desire and attraction that people are meant to have and labelslevels above and below that level as mental disorders. Again, I don't agree with that. There is a whole group of people on the internet at www.asexuality.org who call themselves asexual but feel that it is quite normal for them not to feel much sexual desire and attraction and that it is not at all a mental disorder.


The DSM-IV must certainly only classify pornography addictions as problems not just occasional and recreational use of pornography. And as with a lot of things in the DSM-IV, the final word on whether it is a problem is whether the individual considers it to be interfering with his or her functioning in life. So I don't think that there are any clear cut psychological standards on pornography being unhealthy.

Also, by the way, by all psychological standards, porn is not okay.


Stella

[tabycat]

I duno it doesn't bother me. And I mean I guess it depends on how
often they were having sex before to see if he was deprived. I
mean a week for me would be a long time. Seeing as my boyfriend
and I have sex about every other day....if you only do it once every
other week a week isn't a long time. And it's not like me and my
boyfriend haven't been together, we've been together for almost 2 years
and we still do it a lot. We're just sexual people and there's
nothing wrong with that. I say talk to your bf about it, that
should make things better

[SimplyMe]

I think it's probably an individual thing. If he knew she had issue w/ him using/watching porn and STILL used it than yeah that's totally wrong. If now that he knows he goes and does it again ... REALLY wrong. Different strokes for different folks tho. Personally I don't have/watch any porn but I'vehad friends who swore it enhanced their sex life. As for masturbation in general, I don't know if that was the issue or that he used porn? Personally I would be surprised if he didn't masturbate whether he was "getting some" or not. It's completely natural and actually mroe considerate than pushing for sex you know your partner doesn't want. Anyhow I hope you've been able to effectively communicate w/ him and work thru this in a way that is right for you and your relationship![img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[hippychick]

Stella she didn't say he was trying to make her feel guilty or put pressure on her, more that it came out in a conversation, and I'd agree with Tabycat, a week could be a long time depending on how often you have sex. I feel you are being rather harsh, Men just don't get aroused the same way as women and I absolutely see no harm in it at all. Also calling it "bizarre" for him to need to have release is over harsh too IMO, everyone has different sex drives. Just because someone masturbates either with porn or without doesn't mean that the sex they have is any less special or intimate at all. Again I say talk to him, get a lil reassurance but as long as he isn't trying to pressure you into anything I see no harm.

[stella9]

Kristine - I have asked what my husband did at those times. He did not watch porn. I know he does not like porn, never has. That is his preference. Not everyone cares for porn whether you think it is acceptable or not. It is not something that ALL people do, whether you think so or not. Occasional watching of porn is fine. Watching it often, or having an addiciton to it is another thing and is not considered normal or okay.


Whether someone watches porn is strictly their business. What I was concerned about with lil trooper's post was the presumption that her boyfriend was punishing her for not being there for him. The words "deprived" and "getoff" were pretty disturbing. She also felt hurt by it. That leads me to believe that he presented this to her with an attitude attached to it. If he did not want to hurt her why tell her at all when she is so vulnerable. It could come up at another time. It was a passive-aggressive move on his part all the way around. What was the motive in telling her this? Personally, I see it as a red flag.


Stella

[madisonsmom]

I'm more fascinated and amused by the completely absurb situations. Early 80's porn.....now there are some classics.

[img]smileys/smilies_32.gif[/img]


Thats the truth!

[japa]

Well, that's a good point. It does depend upon what type of attitude her boyfriend had about this.

Whether someone watches porn is strictly their business. What I was concerned about with lil trooper's post was the presumption that her boyfriend was punishing her for not being there for him. The words "deprived" and "getoff" were pretty disturbing. She also felt hurt by it. That leads me to believe that he presented this to her with an attitude attached to it. If he did not want to hurt her why tell her at all when she is so vulnerable. It could come up at another time. It was a passive-aggressive move on his part all the way around. What was the motive in telling her this? Personally, I see it as a red flag.


Stella

[jamie24]

lil trooper, please understand that like everyone has said,
masturbation is normal, especially for a younger guy! IN NO WAY does it
mean he loves you any less, he just understands that you aren't
available at the moment, and went a perfectly NATURAL route for a quick
fix for his NORMAL frusteration.

If he had pushed you for sex, that would be a different story and cause for concern.

[californiagirl]

I think it's probably an individual thing. If he knew she had issue w/ him using/watching porn and STILL used it than yeah that's totally wrong. If now that he knows he goes and does it again ... REALLY wrong. Different strokes for different folks tho. Personally I don't have/watch any porn but I'vehad friends who swore it enhanced their sex life. As for masturbation in general, I don't know if that was the issue or that he used porn? Personally I would be surprised if he didn't masturbate whether he was "getting some" or not. It's completely natural and actually mroe considerate than pushing for sex you know your partner doesn't want. Anyhow I hope you've been able to effectively communicate w/ him and work thru this in a way that is right for you and your relationship![img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

I agree with this, it is a personal preference, as well as a mutual understanding between a couple. Honestly, I don't mind porn, and am guilty of using it for a quick fix while hubby's at work. He has masturbated in the shower too. We have told each other about this many times. Porn is very impersonal. The people in the film generally aren't even attractive, it's just the excitement of seeing them climax. I cannot watch it wothout getting aroused. In my situation, my hubby doesn't like it at all. I've tried to get him to watch it with me to spice things up, and he won't do it, so I watch them myself, and it's only maybe once or twice a month. NOW, if hubby were to masturbate while thinking of another woman he knows, I would definitely be upset, nut he says he thinks of me. If one partner knoews the other one is bothered by porn, then I think that should be respected and not violated. If the couple agrees it's OK, then that's their personal preference, and it sin't hurting anyone, UNLESS it becomes an addiction.

[floweralison]

I really agree with Stella. I don't think that your boyfriend should use porn as a way of release if he knows that it hurts your feelings. It was only for a week. Had he ever heard of self control? Even if he did do it, he didn't have to tell you about it. I would just be really careful about this. I dated a guy for 5 years and2 years into the relationship, I found out he was addicted to porn. It really kills your self esteem. I'm not saying that all guys are like that, but if he does it regardless of your feelings, I might give it a second thought. I don't want anyone to have to feel the pain I went through. Just be careful. I hope everything works out for you!

[redapple]

[QUOTE=SimplyMe]

It's completely natural and actually mroe considerate than pushing for sex you know your partner doesn't want.



i totally agree with this!

also, it sounds like maybe the two of you hadn't discussed porn in the
past. maybe, now that he knows it upsets you, he won't use it
anymore. it's also possible that you might change your mind about
it, given exposure to it. i've never been into porn, but i see
absolutely nothing wrong with it. just talk to him about it and
try and come to a compromise? maybe agree to watch one with him if
you've never been exposed, and if you still find that it makes you
really uncomfortable, ask him not to use it anymore?? just a
suggestion, do what feels right for you.

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[gumdropper1]

Melody &amp; Stella,


I think I'm the first man to weigh in on this topic, but I a lot of what has been said in this topic is very hurtful. You both ought to learn some basic information about male sexuality. Besides the obvious fact that it is very usual for someone to masturbate when their partner is unavailable, just about all men and many women do so on a routine basis even when they are actively involved with a partner. Melody, your bf obviously believes this because he wouldn't have volunteered it in a conversation if he thought it was something wrong or abnormal.


What might have been more fruitful than telling him you can't have sex for a week and then feeling cheated on when you found out he masturbated would have been to offer to do some sexual things would have satisfied both of you but that wouldn't interfere with your condition.


Doug

[crystalmom]

Ok...I haven't read EVERY post thouroughly, although I DID pretty much go through all of them.


Masturbation is very healthy. It is not a sin, it is not unnatural, it is not unacceptable, it is not a psychological problem. Children who do not understand it, do it. Men do it, women do it. It does not matter if you are heterosexual or homosexual....it is a NATURAL body NEED!


At least the b/f didn't go find it somewhere else....would that be more acceptable? Porn is not bad...in whatever form. Personally, don't really care for it. But my b/f brings home "hustler" on his days off (he's gone for 2 weeks at a time). Who cares?


Crystal

[tabycat]

like I've said time and time again to many different people, you just need to talk to him about it. I mean if he knows it bothers you he will probably stop, and he probably didn't do it just to make you feel guilty, he just wanted some pleasure. And if he did do it to make you feel guilty that's a whole nother problem you should address

[gumdropper1]

Maybe talking to him about it isn't what you need to do. The problem started because he was too open with you. If he had not said anything, you wouldn't have known, and you wouldn't be having this fit now.


Doug

[californiagirl]

Maybe talking to him about it isn't what you need to do. The problem started because he was too open with you. If he had not said anything, you wouldn't have known, and you wouldn't be having this fit now.


Doug

Don't agree with this at all!!!! You're saying that he should've not been honest with her, and do something behind her back that may bother her? That's not right, he was honest with her, and it bothered her, so now they need to talk about it, and if she is uncomfortable with the porn, then he should respect that and "relieve" himself without it, which men do all the time. If their relationship is strong andthey can have a mutual understanding, then he did the right thing by being honest with her, and they will come to a mutual agreement that they can both respect. Trial and error.

[mitch04133]

Wow, what a thread! I have to put my thoughts down on this. As most of you know I just had surgery, during those times, I was out of comission. I know my boyfriend "got off" during those times as well as he should. Most people feel a urge to gratify themselves, and who am I to tell him it hurts my feelings, or it's unhealty. What is right for them may not be right for me, but if he has a need to gratify himself, I have no right to stop it.


As for what gumdropper said, I couldn't agree more! At least your man feels very comfortable and open enough to express himself.I once caught my bf doing it, and I had two options, question him and be hurt, or join in the fun and that is exactly what I did. Masturbating is natural, and I don't think I have a right to tell someone what they can and can not do with your body. Plus, I am sure he is just thinking about you when he is doing it. As for porn, I like it, we use it all the time. It is just a visual to get the job done. Men are visual creatures.


Everyone here has different views on porn and masturbation, and itsnot fair to cut anyone down on what they like or dislike. If lil trooper is hurt than she should express that to her boyfriend. That is the only advice that she should take.

[PhilB]

Wow, what a thread!* I have to put my thoughts down on this.* As most of you know I just had surgery, during those times, I was out of comission.* I know my boyfriend "got off" during those times as well as he should.* Most people feel a urge to gratify themselves, and who am I to tell him it hurts my feelings, or it's unhealty.* What is right for them may not be right for me, but if he has a need to gratify himself, I have no right to stop it.*


As for what gumdropper said, I couldn't agree more!* At least your man feels very comfortable and open enough to express himself.*I once caught my bf doing it, and I had two options, question him and be hurt, or join in the fun and that is exactly what I did.* Masturbating is natural, and I don't think I have a right to tell someone what they can and can not do with your body.* Plus, I am sure he is just thinking about you when he is doing it. As for porn, I like it, we use it all the time.* It is just a visual to get the job done.* Men are visual creatures.*


Everyone here has different views on porn and masturbation, and its*not fair to cut anyone down on what they like or dislike.* If lil trooper is hurt than she should express that to her boyfriend.* That is the only advice that she should take.*

Aaah, somebody gets it! [img]smileys/smilies_39.gif[/img] [img]smileys/smilies_39.gif[/img]
Learn to know your man girls!

[crimgoddess]

LOL-


In the past when I have gone on trips I have actually left my boyfriend porn...or sent him dirty pictures curtesy of my webcam. Hell, even though we do have a great sex life and are together usually 1-3 timesa week (depending on the week), we both still masturbate. If anything, it makes our sex life better.


*amber*