OT, i need some relationship advice:

[sassenacch]

hokay. normally, as i am very superstitious about EVERYTHING i would think that in this case, i shouldn't say anything because i might jinx my life & god knows it's been hard enough up until now. but i'm kind of longing for someone's advice & unfortunately, my friends & family just aren't very supportive of this & they aren't going to like it.


last night i was at my boyfriend's house & we were dozing off & he rolled over to face me & said "hypothetically...if i were to save money up & buy a ring, what would you say?"


i must have had a shocked look on my face because he said "hypothetically, i mean."


i said, "i would say that i hope if you did that that you would mean it & that you understand that if i did something like that, i'm only going to do it once, & by once i mean..."


& he said "yeah i know, once & it lasts forever, i feel the same way."


& then he kissed me & rolled over & went to sleep.





now: background? i always just kindof assumed i would never get married. my mother was married twice & twice got left with two little kids to raise. both men were good fathers to me (i love my dad a lot, but my stepdad was cool too) but they ditched my mom & neither tried to work anything out. i've seen few marriages around here last & ialwys just thoughtit waseasier to live together because if something really went horribly wrong you don't have to deal with the legality of sorting everything out. it scares the hell out of me.


BUT. i love eric very much, we've been through some really tough tough times, & somehow everytime we wind up back together & we're always able to work though whatever the problem was. my parenst & family & friends don't like him very much because they don't think he treats me right. but i am happy with him, he makes me smile & laugh & all that mushiness. he's been after me to marry him for the entire time we've been together. but he knows how much it freaks me out so he usually just teases me by calling himself my husband or changing my last name to his.


so what do i do? i mean, he DID say hypothetically, but he's pretty transparent, he wouldn't have said anything about it if he wasn't going to do it. i'm not scared of losing my family & friend's support if this happens; (i know they wouldn't like it)i'm just nervous in general. maybe i'm just asking for a "it'll work out fine" kind of response? i don't even know, i know i want him, i just am a little jumpy about it!





oh god i hope i didn't just jinx my life. feh.

[kellybean]

You should do what YOU want. If you don't feel ready, then don't do anything major. Tell him that you like things the way they are for right now, and see where it goes from there.

[Babydoll]

what I would give to be in your situation....


I agree with kellybean - do what's in your heart. don't jump into anything before you're 100% sure. he sounds like a sweet guy, and if he loves you, he'll understand whatever you decide.

[aguerra29]

Well, you need to think about a few things. Where are you both in your lives and where do you both envision yourselves in the future? Do you want the same things out of life? Are you still in school? Love is not always enough - as you are well aware of based on your mom's experiences. Marriage is hard. You have to work at it and not give up at the first sign of trouble.

Also, I know that you said you were not afraid of losing the support of family and friends, but you need to evaluate why they don't like you with him. Are you telling me there is absolutely no merit to anything they say? Sometimes it's hard to see something when you are all up in it. I was with a guy I "loved" for 6 and half years. All my friends and family hated him. But I loved him! Anyway, I finally saw what they were all talking about and left him!

After you have thought of all these things and still feel comfortable with the relationship, then you need to talk to your boyfriend. Talk to him in hypotheticals. Talk to him about the state of your relationship. If you are happy just letting things be as they are - tell him that. Tell him your reservations about marriage. Tell him that he may change your mind about marriage (if that's true)

It takes awhile to save up for a ring, so I wouldn't be expecting to get proposed to tomorrow You need to do dome soul searching and have a good talk with your boyfriend.

[sassenacch]

never fear, aguerra29, i can talk to him about anything & he knows pretty much how i feel about marriage. the only reason it kind of freaked me out is because it came out of the blue! i don't expect to hear much else about it for a while =)


now: the reason my family & friends don't enjoy him very much is because he is rapid-cycle bi-polar & they don't understand & fear problems like this. i don't fear it & we work around any problems it causes in our relationship, just like we do around my emet.


& as far as marriage goes, i believe it is something you have to work at & if i ever DO get married it's gonna be for good, no matter what the struggles (unless he murdered someone or something weird like that, tee hee)


i asked my friend jess last month, rigth before she got married, if marrying her oyfriend is the best thing she can do with ehr life. she asked me why & when i told her what i thought about marriage, she said, "if you really love him, when it comes down to the moment, it won't matter if you're afraid because you love him & that makes it okay."


which makes sense.Edited by: sassenacch

[mitch04133]

To me if there is something telling you not too...then you should listen to that little voice. I was in a relationship where my family and friends did not like the way the guy treated me. I did what I wanted and moved in with him. All the signs I didn't see at first my family and friends saw. I refused to see them, all I knew is that I loved him and I knew I could always work things out. Then one day he got physical with me. I knew the warning signs were there, and I always felt that "is this who I want to spend my life with?" voice in the back of my head. So I finally left him. I left him and met a man who treats me with the respect I deserve, and for once there is no little voice saying is this right? I know in my heart, it finally is. We've been together for a year now and he has stuck by me through my phobia and all my health problems. And I finally know what it feels like to love and be loved back.


I am not saying by any means that you don't have that kind of love for him, but if you feel indiffrent about anything, listen to that voice. If he loves you than he will wait. It isan exciting time when a man brings up marriage, but it is also a serious one. If you have doubts.....All I am trying to say that sometimes listening to your heart is not enough, your head knows too....

[honeybee]

i would say that you have to remeber that yes alot of marragesa end in divorce, but you also hae to remeber that most last! it isr your decision, and not one that should be taken lightly, but you should think to yourself where do you see yourself in ten years time?

[sassenacch]

when i think of us in ten years, i think of us, happy...hopefully i'll have finished school by then, haha, (6 years & running) & he will have been able to go back...i would hope that we could stay in this area but i'm sure we'll have moved away from it eventually. i see fights because my python, colby, has gotten gigantic, & i see trying to get him to do the dishes being a major issue & i see him & i together.


one day at a time, this is how i like to think.


but thank you all, for your input.