OT: Really depressed

[samara's on tv]

Okay guys I know you probably don't care but I have to talk/rant for a little bit and hope for advice.


Okay ever since last night (I know it hasn't been a long time but bare with me) I have totally spiraled into a pit of depression. I mean it's so bad I feel utterly hopeless. Just so you all know I'm bipolar and it's not unheard of for me to slip into a deep depression and then come out of it...but usually the depression only lasts like 12 hours and I'm fine...no such luck this time.


As maybe 2 or 3 of you know I've been battling my thoughts about an ex emotional tease for a few months now. I found her again she tells me she loves me and two weeks later she hates me and will have nothing to do with me. I thought I was doing fine, I mean the past few weeks I haven't even been thinking about her but then something went wrong. I watched the season finale of ER last night and it just hit me, what the hell am I going to do without this girl over the summer? I have NO one to talk to about ER...(Okay I know that sounds stupid but it's depressing me)



So I had an emergency meeting with my therapist today. This was the second time this week I saw her. Anyway she asked me about all of the people or things I have lost in my life that still make me sad. I listed about 12 things ranging from people, to animals, to even fantasies that have been crushed. See my problem with things is the fact that I don't get "SAD" over losses, I get angry. She told me that I need to take time and feel SAD this time, not angry, and just ride it out. I don't know what I'm going to do. Making that list just made me MORE upset, now I'm dragging up old wounds that I thought were healed. I know she was just trying to help me so I'm not blaming my therapist.


So now on top of missing this girl that I mentioned before, I miss my 2 cats, one of which is probably still alive and well somewhere but I'll never know because my parents gave him away to punish me. I miss my dog, I miss highschool (weird huh? most people hated highschool) and I'm even upset that I wasn't allowed to go to Prom my senior year. I know all this stuff seems petty and stupid to all of you but it means a lot to me. I know in the grand scheme of things my problems aren't that bad, but to me...right now...at this point in time...they are the worst.


I just can't stop thinking of things that I used to have, should have, or SHOULD'VE had. I really don't like this feeling...I don't feel like doing anything, I don't want to eat or sleep or read or write, or really do anything. I just want to vanish off the face of the earth...go somewhere and curl up and die. If anyone has any comforting words, or words of advice they would really help me right now.


Thanks for listening.


~Monica

[daffodil]

I have dealt with emotional teases a few times in various forms, and I don't blame you for being pissed. It is the ultimate mindf**k.
That being said, I think your therapist is right. Anger is sadness in disguise, a lot of the time. It sounds like you need to do some grieving for all of these losses in your life. By staying mad, you are not able to put them to rest. Do you keep a journal? Sometimes getting the feelings out on paper helps. It might sound stupid, but making a big messy painting or drawing of how you feel can help, too. The point is just to get it out. So cry, scream, write, draw. Channel the bad feelings into something that is good for you. Take all that energy you get from being angry and use it to work on a project, or exercise. That's my 2 cents. I hope you feel better soon!

[Galadriel]

Hello Monica,


I am sorry that you are feeling so down. Bipolar is really tough, my mom has it and I know it can just be horrible. Your ex sounds like she is mean and just enjoys stringing you along. I am sorry she is acting like this, believe me she isn't worth your time to be around if she is like this. I had a "friend" like this who one day it was all good, then the next she was treating me like I was some insect. I don't get it why people do this, but I realized she wasn't worth it.I know its hard when you don't have someone, but she isn't worth it. I agree that its okay to feel angry about what she is doing to you, and to feel sad because what you had with her isn't there anymore.


Sometimeswhen I feel depressed I just try and tell myself it will pass. Granted I don't have bipolar, and so I don't want to sound presumptious or anything. I don't fully know what you are going through with it, but I know I've felt real down before, and I just didn't do much but slept more and just rode it out. I also agree that sometimes it does help to try and write about the things or get it out somehow. I've written fictional stories just to try and play out things that I had been going through, and I think in its own way it helped.


Definately keep in close contact withyour therapist. Its good you have her, they can be a big help. She'll be able to keep you grounded and offer help. Biggest thing is don't do anything rash. I've almost done some real stupid things when I was real angry and depressed, and its too easy to do when you aren't thinking quite straight. It will pass.

[tcsarah]

My heart goes out to you Monica, believe me I know what it's like to feel so depressed.


I have to agree with your therapist, I think for you to start to feel better and heal you have to work through your past losses and not keep them bottled up. It's good to have a good cry, whenever you feel like it. I also agree it helps to write things down - I used to keep a little book and write down all my fears, worries and thoughts. I also wrote a little poetry putting all my emotions into it, and being an artist, also found painting helped.


Your ex sounds like bad news to me. I know what it's like to miss an ex, but when it's all over and we sit thinking about things we tend to only concentrate on the highs we felt when with them - we should also remember how bad they made us feel and all the pain and misery that came with that relationship. Is going through all that turmoil again really worth it for the few good times? I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but you will meet somebody else one day who will make you feelas good asyour ex did when things were going well, but with none of the misery or messing about. She sounds like she has a lot of problems, and if I were you, as hard as it may seem, I would try and steertotally clear of her.


Take care, hope you are feeling better soon.

[Galadriel]

Just wanted to add something else,


I had another "friend" (yep I've had lots of "friends" if you know what I mean) that well she would treat me okay and we got along, then she would treat me horribly for awhile, like it went in cycles. I could never just drop the relationship though, it went on for my whole school career (yep 12 years!), and I finally ended it in college, and I am very glad I did. Believe me these people aren't worth it, you deserve someone who won't playyou like that. Those kinds of people just seem to like to toy with your emotions and head, and you don't need that kind of grief.

[Babydoll]

awww monica, I'm sorry times sounds tough right now for you, but thats what we are all here for.


that "friend" of yours doesn't sound like much of a friend. I wouldn't waste my time on someone who wasn't willing to respect me.


I understand how you feel rightnow to a certain extent because I'm going through a break up as we speak. Its hard realizing that everything you hoped for is gone. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next while myself. Anytime you want to PM me, feel free, and we can chat anytime!

[samara's on tv]

Thanks guys for all the replies, I really haven't been on cause I went home to spend time with my family (When I'm depressed it's NOT a good idea for me to be alone so I usually go to my parent's house) This girl I mentioned is my soul mate I mean I knew it from the day that we met. I was instantly attracted to her and I wanted to be with her more then anything (I still do!) But you guys are right, I should try to think of all the bad things she did to me too, not just the good things. If she's going to treat me like one of her collectable ponies then I shouldn't be with her. It's just REALLY hard to give her up you know?


I had her picture engraved onto a necklace and now I wear it everywhere I go. So now you are all thinking "She's nuts if she wants to wear a necklace with that B**CH On it" but I have a different theory, LoL I can't really get into WHY I think wearing her picture as a necklace will help but I think it will get me over her faster. It's a long, insane explanation, and very personal. I don't mind telling about it, I'm just not going to post it here so if you are interested in a long boring story then PM and let me know.


Once again, thanks guys, I'm feeling a little better then I did on Friday! And thanks to Daffodil for suggesting art...I completely FORGOT I even used to be an artist...now I think I'll get back to doing it...it'll probably help.


~Monica

[HDogg]

Hey Monica,


I hope you are feeling better today! I just want to share a story with you. I work in a restaurant as a server with several high school and college students. Well, one of the girls I work with recently lost her best friend to suicide. This girl apparently had a boyfriend who took advantage of her and controlled her to the point where she was codependent--and when he broke up with her, she took her own life. She was only 16.


I have been thinking of this poor young woman, and how her life was cut short because she believed she had no future without this guy. How heartbreaking! I remember feeling the same way as this young lady in college, when my first love broke up with me for another girl. I remember the devastation--the feeling like I couldn't go on. I swore I would never love again. But three months later, when I least expected it, my future husband showed up.


Anything can happen. Even in the worst heartbreak, the love of your life can show up! Or even if she doesn't--it doesn't mean your life is not worth something! We all have a purpose, and no human can ever change that! We are who we are--and if someone can't appreciate that, then they aren't worth having in our lives! You are valued by someone! No man, woman, or being is worth taking your own life for! I have learned that lesson well. Be strong and embrace your power, beauty and love. Someday, someone will appreciate it. Don't let that opportunity slip away.


God bless! Heather

[crimgoddess]

Hey Monica-


Sorry you're in a bad state right now, but I agree with Heather. 3 years ago I met the guy that I thought I was going to marry and be with for the rest of my life- we even met each others family, and had our families meet over Christmas that year. However, then he started to get really short with me and moody, and out of the blue breaks up with me. I was devastated- then, he starts coming back, saying that he needs me, is going through a depression and I am the only one he can talk to. So things would be fine for a little while, and then he would do something like not show up when we had plans because something better came up (ie- playing video games with his roomate or going out with other friends- won't invite me of course). But this was MY fault, because HE can't handle the "stress" of a relationship right now (even though all the stressful situations were created by him).


Essentially, he wanted to be with me when it was convenient for him or when he wanted sex, but if something better came up, or if I got justifiably angry for him doing/not doing something, THAT is when he couldn't "handle" being with someone. I have no doubt that he was going through a tough time mentally, but should that have been at my expense? After putting up with about a year and a half of that, I finally decided that I can't lose myself for the sake of making him better. A few months later, I met the man that I am with now and going to marry. He tells me that he loves me at least 8 times a day, that I'm beautiful, and do crazy stuff like drive 6 hours to my parents house after working a 12 hour nightshift (he took a 4 hour nap before we left) with 2 cats in the car so we can have easter dinner at my parents house.


Monica, there has been a commercial running on the movie channels here lately for a new show- they play a song, the lyrics of which are "You can't save everybody, but you're gotta save yourself". It's completely true. You CAN'T make someone into the perfect partner, or change them into a better person even though in your heart that is what you want. By doing so you will just end up losing yourself. And even though right now it seems as though there is no one else but this person for you- there are SO many other options. You WILL find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and not dick you around like this person is. You need to demand better for yourself.


*amber*