Feeling Really Pessimistic- College, Etc.

[csjones]

I really hate when I feel down like I do now. Much of my sadness comes from thinking about college. It hit me a few days ago that maybe I won't be able to get through it. I'm in kind of a bad period right now- sort of agoraphobic and clingy, having issues doing basic things, and I am just terrified that when I do leave home I'm going to flip out entirely and won't have anyone there for support..College is in the future right now- I am 17 but have not applied anywhere yet, mainly because I want to go somewhere neat that has my major of choice. People have told me that the life of a college freshman is REALLY difficult and it seems like it's going to be an enormous burden to handle all the regular college stress and homesickness, plus emet issues.

I have never been to therapy of any kind (or a doctor in 3 or 4 years). We really can't afford it, and my parents aren't too keen on the process anyway. My father doesn't think this can be cured though I have tried to convince him, and myself, otherwise.

Don't worry, I seriously would not miss out on an education because of this idiot phobia (I'm much too stubborn. Stubborness is always < than fear in my mind) but I do have that little voice in the back of my head squawking things at me about not being able to make it and I am envisioning myself terrified and holed up in a dorm room. I have looked forward to college my entire life. I fantasized about it, even, that I would love learning and making friends and living on my own, but it has sunk in now that my phobia isn't just going to vanish, and this is going to be HARD, darn it.

The biggest issue I'm going to have to deal with is leaving my parents, I think. I have been homeschooled and am so close to them. It will be so weird to have to live on my own and be independent. I just hope I have the guts to do it.

My phobia originally caused me, when I was 7, to be taken out of public school. The teachers thought I was too much of a nuisance and my parents got phone calls everyday. It was very sad for everyone involved. I have suffered from a form of post-traumatic stress disorder for years after my bad school experience and also worry that going to classes, etc will scare me too. This is incredibly out of hand.

I just feel kind of like I'm sinking back into a stage I was in a few years ago where I was terrified of everything and had issues with eating. It tends to happen when I'm under pressure about something. I really wish I could somehow rid myself or get control of this phobia but I don't know how. I'm sorry to bore you all with this long post. Thanks for listening.

Edited by: csjones

[silver]

I felt very similiar before leaving for college...I was so anxious that my emet flared up to crazy proportions, it had never been a real big issue before that at all. I worried myself sick before leaving for college for almost an entire year. I worried about staying in the dorms, getting sick, being away from my folks, etc. I moved about 800 miles away from my hometown to go to school and it was the best decision that I ever made...I LOVED college, rarely if EVER thought about the emet stuff, made tons of friends, loved what I was studying, loved my job. It was the best years of my life so far. I love this place so much that I ended up meeting my husband in college and getting married and working here. You will be sooo busy making friends, enjoying activities, you probably won't even have time to think or dwell on this stupid fear!! Being away from home is hard, but if you force yourself to do it, I am convinced that you will have a blast and a wonderful experience. You are thinking the right way by not limiting yourself because of this fear...don't do it!! Figure out where you want to go to school and do it!! Good Luck!! It will be such a neat chapter in your life!

[csjones]

Thanks Silver! That would be my ultimate favorite outcome- it all goes beautifully and ends up being the best thing for me. The funny thing is that I want to be a professor so I had better be used to it someday! Also...what a CUTE puppy you have!!!