new here and scared (long)

[strangesage]

Hey Everyone,


I guess I'll rewind to the beginning of how this all started for me. A year ago, last summer, I started dating a woman and around the same time I started getting really anxious. It got to the point where ever time I would see her I would throw up. I also got really sick that summer (not sure if I made myself sick from the anxiety, or if I actually had a stomach thing), but I ended up not eating for 4 days and puking whenever I would try to eat. This, in turn, caused me to make the irrational connection that whenever I eat, I will get sick. I started to fear eating because I was afraid I would throw up. There were even times I would throw up before even putting a bite in my mouth. I finally went and saw a psychiatrist (I was already in therapy) and the psyschiatrist put me on Remeron and a low dose of Klonopin to take as needed. This did help, but I was still getting anxious around the woman I was dating. It eventually got to where I would throw up every morning and I lost a lot of weight. We finally broke off the relationship (after6 months ofwhat felt likeanxiety hell!)and my anxiety disappeared. I started to enjoy eating again and found that I didn't work as much about getting sick.


Almost two months later, I started dating an amazing woman that is currently my girlfriend of eight months. The first 7 months were amazing and I was brought back to enjoying food and enjoying what is the first healthy relationship of my life. Then, about a month-and-a-half ago, I had two panic attacks within a week and got some sort of stomach bug. I ended up throwing up and feeling like I was back in that place I had been a year ago. I have a hard time eating now, and at times dread it. I know I am not eating enough, as I have lost quite a bit of weight over a short period of time. I find that the only time I am really comfortable with eating is at night, after I've taken one of my medications and am relaxed and sleepy. My psychiatrist has me taking the Klonopin either once or twice a day (.5mg pills)depending on how I am doing. It is the only thing that calms me when I start to freak out. I have had days where I do great and am okay with eating, but then a few days ago I started to spiral again and now I am having a hard time eating. I get so freaked out that I will throw up and then not be able to eat...it's a crazy cycle!


I already know a big core issue is that being in a relationship brings up a lot of fears for me. I don't want to transfer my anxiety onto my partner and get to the point where I am not able to be around her because I am so anxious. I love her so much and she has been so understanding. I'm just scared I will lose her and what we have. I'm scared that I will not be able to beat this thing. I'm so sick of the roller coaster...of having a few good days, and then spiralling down when I have a bad days..into this funk. I have been through hell in the past with mental health issues as a teenager(self-injury) and know that I am strong because I beat that...but this is so damn hard, because I have to have food to survive.


I'm seeing a new therapist who specializes in anxiety, ocd, depression, and eating disorders. I picked her because she specializes in mindfulness and meditation, and a lot of the Eastern teachings. I have only seen her twice, so I know there is a lot of work ahead of me. I just get so scared that I will not get better. My brain makes me so f****** crazy with its obsessive thoughts and patterns. I know I need to re-train my brain, but it feels so powerful compared to what I need to do. I know I shouldn't give it that power, but it's there... I feel so helpless and out of control...I just want to be able to really live again, without these fears. I'm tired of waking up and dreading the day...and worryi

[alwaysamber]

Welcome Sage. I hate the fact that this fear goes hand in hand with food. I know for most of my life I never really enjoyed food until I few years ago...I think medicine is a good thing and I believe that it helps a lot. Have you thought of taking an anti-depressant? Before being pregnant I took Klonapin too. It is a good drug and that’s great it works for you. I was also given Remron in the past...boy did that make me hungry... I would dream about food! I think seeing a psychiatrist is a great start....along with taking your meds. Just have to take small steps to get better. Maybe you can sit your girlfriend down and talk to her about what you have had to deal with in the past and even now. When I am afraid to eat I usually would take a Xanax..that would calm me down a great bit and allow me to eat. I don't think however it is good to become dependant on anxiety meds because sometimes they can quit working for you..that is why I say maybe you should try an anti-depressant and only take anxiety meds when needed. I know that I had anti-depressants and Klonapin also and those two helped me a great bit...I was able to enjoy life with not much panic..

Amber

[strangesage]

Amber,


Thank you so much for replying with your thoughts...I really appreciate it! Right now I am taking an antidepressant that works for anxiety as well- Remeron. I am going to actually be seeing my psychiatrist this Wednesday and I am going to talk to her about maybe increasing the dose. The Klonopin does help tremendously, especially in helping me feel calm enough to eat. It's just these negativethought patterns that I have a hard time breaking. My brain gets so obsessive and stuck on them!


I hope things are going well for you... Maybe we could pm or email sometime?


Take Care,


Strange Sage

[alwaysamber]

No problem...e-mail me anytime...my e-mail address is [email protected]

-Look forward to hearing from you...I have been there many times with anxiety so I am happy to help to the best of my ability.

Amber