lately my anxiety has been horrible. this past week i've been dealing
with pms. the emotional ups and downs made my heartburn terrible,
causing n*, the last thing i needed! thankfully i had a doctors
appointment and i got some great medication for it and no more
heartburn. lately my fear is all i've been thinking about. now that my
period has started, all i've been able to do is sit around in bed and
talk on the phone with my boyfriend. and of course, obsess over the
pain and if it means if i'm going to v* or not.

a couple months ago i v* for the first time since i was little, like little
little, maybe four. i always wondered how people knew if they were
going to v* or not. since i never had before, i didnt know the
difference between feelings. the morning i v*, i woke up feeling s*,
but didnt really think anything of it. i took something to calm my
stomach and drank a bunch of water. i sat in my moms bed, and
kept saying "it's just anxiety, i'm not going to v* don't worry" and
then out of no where i did, a lot. it was horrible. i've heard a lot of
emets say "when i do v*, it's not scary!", but for me it was.
afterwards i hugged my mom like a baby even though i'm an adult
now, and wanted to start crying but it just wouldnt come out, i was so
freaked out. i ended up v* probably seven or eight times. that
morning haunts me.

i feel like my life is controlled by my fear that it will happen to me
again. i didn't even see it coming. i did feel s*, but i thought it was
nothing more than stress or anxiety, even though i was so confident i
wasnt going to v*. i think about it probably once every five minutes.
"how do i feel, am i getting n* and just don't feel it?"

i want to tell myself over and over again "V* IS NOT NORMAL! YOU
DONT V* UNLESS SOMETHING IS WRONG! NOTHING IS WRONG
WITH YOU!" i want to just scream it and get it threw my own head. it
seems like everyday i hear about someone v*. i think it's because
i've created friendships with emets so we can talk about emet things,
but it turns out we only talk about negitive situations and how they
scare us.

i like hearing people say "yeah, i'm 35 and i've only v* three times in
my lifetime" i want to hear about people not v*. i want to hear about
people who never v*. lately i've been hearing stories like girls on
their periods v*, and walking out of really really hot heat, and then
walking into air conditioning will make you v*. today i heard sugar
makes you v*! now i'm going to obsessing if something has too much
sugar or not. i'm really really weird about over eating, or what i eat. i
only eat my comfort foods, and if i go outside of them, i feel as
though my stomach wont be able to handle it. thats turned into a
huge problem, because i've lost a ton of weight. sometimes i think
my dad just scares me by telling me reasons why people v*. he tells
me "it happens to everyone, even my brother, and he has perfect
health". it makes me feel like, "well, when is my day, is it today?".
every once in a while he will tell me a story about when someone v*
and why. like today was the sugar thing. when i was little i v* from
eating too much sugar (according to him, i was really young). and
another one was when this guy my dad was training v* because he
was too nervous. it completely freaked me out! next time i'm
nervous, i'll be thinking about it. it's just awful.

i've spent years and years an emet. when i was little, i had really bad
'stomach problems'. now i realize it wasnt stomach problems, it was
me being having panic attacks because i was afraid i was going to v*
all of the time. when i have panic attacks, i swallow air, giving the
feeling like i'm going to v*. once