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Hi,
Just when I thought I felt stronger about this whole emet thing and how I thought I could possibly get ready for it but just last night out of nowhere, boom, it hit me. Another panic attack after midnight. I feel awful because my husband and I had just been intimate and right after, I felt this warm swarm wave of disgust and repulse hit me. It nearly made me sick. I began to feel some movements in my stomach but I think it was only my food settling and or digesting and making those squeezing noises. Anyway, I left our bedroom and went to seclude myself in what I call MY OWN little bedroom. I had to be alone to panic alone out of embarrassment to do it in front of my hubby. I had had these feelings before but they were so mild and tolerable and I'd forget in a few minutes. This time it felt so dirty and disgusting. I love my husband with all my heart and this had nothing to do with him but it just brought back memories of my own childhood sexual abuse and well, it grossed me out. I didn't have the heart to tell my husband what was wrong this time because I know he would have taken it personally thinking I was grossed out by him when that wasn't the case. I just felt so screwed up last night and almost felt like it was a replay of back then. Since I had not experienced this to this degree, does this mean I have a setback? Or am I just messed up? I have seen some people but they haven't helped me yet. None of my counseling, therapy has helped. I'm currently seeking a new one. We'll see how that goes. You guys give me your opinion of what you think of this case.
Pumpkin
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pumpkin does your husband know about the abuse? If he does then explain to him that it isn't him at all. He should understand, maybe not completly but he should. I dont think this is a set back and your not messed up but I do agree that you should find another therapist. You have a lot to deal with pumpkin and my heart goes out to you. I am not positive but abuse may have happened to me. I went to see a counselor and next week I see a therapist who deals with anxiety and phobia's. I have been having flash backs and dreams and I will tell you I have been with a man for 7 years and maybe out of those years I may have touched him 3 maybe 4 times. I couldn't figure it out why I felt grossed out, that I wouldnt do it right I dont know but I think it has to do with possible abuse. He understands and he has to be frustrated! He is supportive of me as I see the therapist and there will also be hypnosis involved later on. I think within a couple of months I will find my answer. I have had this phobia for 31 years and finally I will be getting the answers as to why I have this phobia. I have never felt positive in my life as I do now. Get on the phone and find a therapist, if you dont feel that this therapist is right for you find another one, and be completly honest with this person. If he/she says something that ticks you off tell him/her! that is what I did and I am glad I opened my mouth.
