-
My name is Alex, and I am emetophobic.
I didn't realize I was emetophobic until recently. I always just assumed it was one of those "weird" things about me that no one understood. When I think of childhood, although I recall joy and laughter thanks to wonderful influences, I also recall terrible fear and anxiety. I was extremely afraid of my life. When I was really young, I was only afraid of certain aspects of leaving my comfort zone, like leaving town or going to amusement parks. (Both could result in me v******** or seeing someone else v****) But as I grew older, it got worse. In 5th grade, I had a fear of even leaving my house to go to school. I would check out of school everyday, because of "stomach problems." I eventually went to see a gastroenterologist, who told me at 10 years old that I had IBS. He prescribed me to a medicine that I saw as "the little white pill"; I learned just this year, however, that it was an antidepressant. (My mom, a pharmacist, told me that many gastroenterologists prescribe people with stomach problems to them because they are proven to help) I remember many episodes of panic attacks, where I thought that there was no way out, and that I was trapped in my own fear and was doomed. The scary thing about it, being a child with emetophobia, is not knowing. I had no idea what I had, or what was the matter, and why I spent everyday fearing the things that others could just do and have fun doing. I learned from a young age that I wasn't very normal, because I didn't enjoy things like other people. I was always afraid and I always deep down didn't want to go on church trips with my youth group, or go on family vacations. What made this worse, though, was that I felt guilty if I didn't do these things. So if something came up that justified me not leaving home, I would feel a secret joy and relief inside. I began to take comfort in being alone, in my room, watching TV and engaging in imaginative thinking to escape from my fear. That was a habit that carried over into even today, where if I begin to feel unsafe, I engage in "safe thoughts" where I make up stories that distract me from what's in front of my face. I began to establish a "safe world" and the "real world." I would interact with the real world when neccessary to be what others wanted me to be, and then would escape to my fictional world to give myself all the excitement and love and safety that my real world didn't give me. My way of living was so unhealthy, and I didn't even really realize it until I grew older.
Today, however, I am at a better place. I am a senior in high school who writes for the school newspaper, and is the photography editor. I go out with my friends weekly. I am a musician, a writer, a photographer, and an independant person that I thought I'd never be. How did I get here?
As cliche as it sounds, I'm going to tell you the truth. God changed my life. Looking back at 5th grade, my life crumbled and I felt very unsafe. It was at that moment that I remember for the first time exploring a relationship with God because I didn't want to do this scary journey alone. My relationship with God began with fear, as terrible as that sounds. I remember being very young, and every night reciting the same prayer, "Help me not to throw up." I think, however, when I said that every night, I knew inevitably that to get over the throwing up fear, I had to face it and conquer it. God, however, didn't make me face it until this past year. He took care of me. He brought me through all the visits to the stomach doctor, gave me some pills to chill me out, brought me to places that gave me peace and comfort and love. He taught me things. He brought me to hard places, and showed me what I was capable of. He got me through 5th grade, and began a whole new world of 6th grade. He then brought me through the grades after that, until one day I looked back and said, "Oh, yeah, I used to be afraid of v******** everyday of my life." It became a thing that didn't disappear, but didn't dominate my life anymore. And finally,
-
That was very inspirational... great to know there are other people who believe in God out there!!
-
I am a Christian and I am able to do the things I can because of him. As I've gotten older my faith has not been as strong, I have to admit. But I also have the support of my families and husband to keep me thinking positive. By his stripes we are healed and although sometimes the words may not seem like enough to fight the panic, his love is the greatest comfort of all.
-
What a great post. I am so happy that you have found peace and a way to cope with this phobia. On day I would love to think, like you said "Oh yea I used to be afraid of throwing up" But for me I have had this phobia for more then half my life. I have gotten better but I still not good. :(
-
wow, how inspirational. Thank you Alex for sharing your story with us.
-
Alex; thanks for sharing your wonderful story! All things are possible through God and the people who he works through.
I know your story will bring inspiration to many here who fight the same battle.
Thank you!
David
