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Thread: Faith..

  1. #1
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    The whole day today, its just been arguments, i've been crying on and off the whole day and i just feel so upset. I used to be a christian, and used to pray and ask god for help, look to him when i felt down and had faith in him, but when things got really hard it seemed to have killed my faith and i became worse. I just can't see happiness anymore, i want to get my faith back, but im finding it hard, i sometimes think, why won't he help me though the pain and save me from it, i honestly can't take being depressed anymore, i can't seem to stop hitting myself, i punched my stomach so hard earlier, i heaved and my mum shouted "don't you dare v* on the floor!!", when i couldn't even move. I just feel how much more do we have to go through, i got all my medication out and put it in a bag, i wrote a suicide letter and was going to go away and take them all, but i just broke down half way out, i understand other people have hard lives and i feel for them and i know im not the only one with problems, it all started on my 6th birthday, my dad got a knife out on my mum, after that they constantly argued and my dad would hit her and we where to small to help, my brother got raped at 14 and then became heavily addicted to drugs, then became really violent and used to beat us all up. My dad drinks all the time now which is making him violent, my mum is to scared to say anything and just goes out with her mate, and i just feel as if im left.

    I lost so much confidence in middle school, i used to get bullied all the time for having an overbite and i used to run home scared of being beaten up, and then when bullies did get me, they would hit me with sticks and throw things, why do people have to be so sick, i only recently told my mum and dad about these two boys who i thought were my friends, used to hit me and try touch me, one of them i had to see everyday at school used to slap me in the face and tell me to swear as i don't, and once locked me in is house and keot hitting me and trying to touch me, i was so scared to say anthing as he said he would hurt me if i did, in the end i kicked him off and stood up for myself and said if he touched me again or came anywhere near me i would ring the police, after that i didn't speak to him again, i got bullied in secondry school aswell, people in year 11 used to wait for me near my house and come and try push me off my bike, in the end i refused to go to school, then my dad used to hit me and drag me down the stairs, i also got locked outside the house when i didn't go and got told not to come back untill 3 when school finsihed, so i used to go down the shop and buy a pad and pen and just draw, untill my mum would then say i could come home. I understand they must have been confused themselves and didn't know what to do.

    I got told i could go college, which i did, i liked it there, thats when things got worse at home again, there was fights everyday, the police where always round. My brother was taking cannibis everyday, he also took ketamine and ecstasy(sp). I used to sit in my lounge all day and hide in my covers and just watch tv, thats when my eating went down to 6 bits of toast and about 6 biscuits a day, thats all i would eat, but it kept me going, then my ibs became a problem and i had stomach problems everyday, the doctor said i wasn't enough, but i though it was enough to keep me going. after that things were the same, untill then last year my eating became worse, to the point i ate the only the biscuits, i then got taken into hospital as my heart started giving up. Now im here, things still seem to be on the downside. I just want help, i've asked god, i don't know where to turn. I do have some close friends, but i think they don't undertand me anymore. I don't have anyone to turn to, i just need to get away from everyone, sorry for the whole story, i hope i don't sound selfish or anything, as im not trying to be.
    Edited by: xroofusx
    TEA!! IS AMAZING!!
    indeed it is! :]


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  2. #2
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    Hey Roofus,


    I'm really sorry to hear that things have gotten so bad for you and your situation at home has become pretty unbearable.


    I am really worried about the fact that you took that medication with the intention of suicide. No matter how bad things may be, that should not be an option hun.


    I have PM-ed you!! Please keep your chin up, you're so brave and strong and you have so much going for you, please don't do anything silly!! x

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    Don\'t regret the things you have done - regret those that you haven\'t!
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  3. #3
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    Its really hard to try and accept that God is watching over us sometimes when we see things so bad and go through so many bad things. You have to trust totally in Him and believe that he will help you though.
    Know that he is that whisper that made you stop yourself from taking the pills, know he is the hand that has been gently guiding you toa better direction so you havn't given up.
    You should be selfish. Ask for guidance, ask for help. If you have a church close by you can find your hope again and people there to help you though everything maybe even some friends that will be there for you.
    It wasn't till, my now husband came into my life and reintroduced me to the faith I had almost given up on, tht things started turning for the better.
    God does small things that we sometimes don't see small things that lead us to places we can't see atm.
    I look back if I didn't have emet in school I may have been a worse student because I KNOW I would have been out at parties, if I didn't have emet I would be with a guy still that used me and didn't understand me.



    God, grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    the courage to change the things I can;
    and the wisdom to know the difference.


    Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you\'ve never been hurt and live like it\'s heaven on Earth.

  4. #4
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    Het thank you both for your replies!! i know i have to try and stay strong, thank you for your advice and support, also for the pm, im just about to read it[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]. I do have a church near me also, maybe going to one would help me understand a bit more and give me some help. I used to pray to god about my emet when i was afraid and i used to watch the god channel which used to calm me down. Thanks again[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img].

    Ruth x

    TEA!! IS AMAZING!!
    indeed it is! :]


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  5. #5
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    I agree with Melikasa, it's the small things, that little voice inside you...
    I'm so sorry things are so bad for you at home. I wish there was more I could do to help. I am always here if you need to talk, feel free to PM or email me. (((hugs)))

  6. #6
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    Hey Ruth,
    I am also so sorry things are so bad, you have had one hell of a time I can tell you that, and the fact that you are still here and fighting to get better just shows how strong of a person you are.

    I know when things get bad it seems like they will never get better. Before I met my husband my life was pretty awful, and I had major issues that I couldn't get around, and just seemed to be stuck. I agree with Melikasa, that its probably God that stopped you from actually going through with the pills. To be honest I had a time when I almost did something like that, and something stopped me and I think it was God that stopped me. I would ask myself the same things, why do I have to go through this, why can't things get better? Things did get a lot better, but only in the past 3 years or so.

    Don't apologize, and you are certainly not selfish, you've been through a lot and sounds like you're at teh end of your rope. I know it sounds cliche, but don't give up, sometimes you can be so close to a breakthrough and not know it. I think things will get a lot better once you get out of your home environment. Its real real REAL hard to get yourself better when everyone around you is fighting and trying to drag you into it and making a horrible living environment. I only really started to see improvement in myself when I was away from the stressors in my home life causing havoc. Feel free to pm me anytime. You're in my thoughts, and prayers.



 

 

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