I’m so lost...

[samara's on tv]

So okay I was just taking inventory of my life today and I guess I started to realize that I'm getting older and getting nowhere at the same time. My dad refuses to pay for me to start nursing school (he promised he would for this fall but has made NO effort to help me pay...oh and here's the kicker, he is the new vice president of the college I was supposed to go to...free classes? Hell NO! Screw that I have to pay!) So I'm going to have to wait till next year probably cause I have to file for grant money and that usually takes a while.


Then my sister and my best friend in the whole entire world is leaving for college on sunday. This is her first year of college and I'm not going to see her every week like I have been doing for the past 3 years. Then I realize, hey pretty soon she'll be off to law school, living in another state, in her own place, and I'll never see her again, or at least not as often as I do now.


Then, I write a lot, and I take a look at one of the characters I always throw into my fan fics. Her name is Monica, obviously based on me, and I realize she's nothing like me. I mean her personality reflects mine but I'll never accomplish what she has accomplished in my stories! In my stories she's always a best selling author and rich and famous and people love her. In real life I'm a recluse who is so afraid of my own shadow that I only go out to get food and see anoccasional movie. I'm not a good writer, and even if I was I'll never get published. I'm amazed people review and read my fan fics AT ALL.


I live alone, I have no friends, except for two online friends, one of whom I've never met and the other who I'm madly in love with but she has a girlfriend. I live alone and don't have friends for a reason, because they always screw you over. Or at least they have always screwed ME over. I was friends with a girl for 12 years and then she found out I was a lesbian and she just stopped talking to me. I had another friend get me drunk and then try to rape me. I've been molested, I've been raped, I've been attacked...what's the point of ever having friends?


I guess tonight I'm just having a giant pity party and I need someone to cheer me up. I know I'll never be as beautiful and as smart as any of my characters, but can any of you say anything about me that's good? Cause right now I feel like a total loser!


~Monica

[SimplyMe]

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I think we allget a bit contemplative at times and think "I will never be ..." or "I should be this way and I'm not" use it to help you become the best YOU rather than beat yourself up about it (it's hard, I need to take my own advice lol). You have alot of things going for you, in spite of what you say I think you are probably a very good writer or people wouldn't review you. They don't know you and have no reason to lie to make you feel better. You should be proud of yourself for not giving up on nursing school even tho you will have to do it w/o your dad's help ... some people would just say screw it and you're not. In the end him not helping you will just drive you even further and in the end the degree you hold will be completely on your own! It will be worth it. Hang in there ... if ya need an ear IM me on yahoo (thats where I am most lol).

[crimgoddess]

Monica- I am a big proponent of working to change what you don't like in your life.


Don't rely on your father to pay for your education. Yes, he is kinda being a tool not doing so, but it is entirely possible to do it on your own. You can apply for grants, as you already mentioned- and while you are waiting to see if those go through, why not find a job and work the crap out of it? Working fulltime somewhere, even if it is only fast food, you can make enough to put money away towards tuition or incidentals such as books. For four years of undergrad, I payed for rent and food by working at an Orange Julius and a Tim Hortons. Its wasn't fancy or glamourous, but it served it's purpose.


As for friends- yes, there are some incredibly messed up people out there who have been hurt so much themselves their only goal has become to hurt others in turn. But, you can't believe that ALL people are like that. I'm sorry that you were hurt so badly in the past, but using that as an excuse not to get out there and meet others just means that you are setting yourself up to be hurt more in the longrun. We have all been screwed over by people- in some cases ROYALLY. But, it doesn't mean that there aren't some nice people out there who won't screw you over.


What about even volunteering? I know my city has a gay drop-in centre that organizes activities and plans events- it may be useful to see if there is one in your area. It anything it will serve to get you out of the house more- you will also potentially meet some people to hang with.


That person in your fanfic- you CAN be that person. You are pretty, have a great sense of humour, and are talented (I have read some of your fanfic, and you indeed have talent). BUT- you have to WORK to be that person, even if it means challenging your comfort zone. But, if you continue to feel sorry for yourself and keep yourself in this rut you have created, nothing will change.


I think you are a good person, and have the potential to be an even BETTER person; everything and anything that you want to be. You just have to put the effort into achieving this.


*amber*

[samara's on tv]

Thanks, both of you guys, You are right, I have to work hard to change the things I want to do. My dad is a jerk and I can't stand him but I will get through this and laugh in his face when I succeed. It was so nice of you two to reply to me, you really made me feel a lot better about my situation. I'm just not in a good place right now but I'm sure it will all get better with time. *Big Hugs* Thanks again!


~Monica

[Galadriel]

Hey Monica,
What may help is think of things that you do want to achieve, such as going to nursing school, and then write a list of them, and how you can potentially achieve them. Sometimes I find it helps to have it written on paper, it makes it more "solid" than having the ideas floating around in your head.

So, if you want to go to nursing school, you're going to need money. Writing to get grants is a good idea, and probably a first step, also seeing what kind of financial aide you could recieve.

It sounds like you are probably going to need a job, so think of a place you can stomach working at (usually first jobs aren't that great, but think if it as a means to an end, it wont be forever). and apply apply apply! Then you can start saving money for going to college.

[Girlygirl1980s]

Monica,


I really feel for you. The others have already given you good advice, and just remember that all of us are your friends ! [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[tayda]

You know, I just typed a nice, long response, but I screwed it up by clicking "clear form"..


So the point was: When you get deep wounds, they heal, but leave scars. The scars are always there, but the new tissue is stronger than that before. Yes, you will always have the scar, but you are still alive and breathing. Grow stronger, and learn from your mistakes. Repeat the steps that you took towards any triumphs that you have worked for. And above all, don't lose faith in others. Yes, there are many scuzzy people out there, but the good outweigh the bad. Be yourself, and others will take it or leave it.


I hope that you are feeling better since you posted earlier.

[HDogg]

I don't have any wonderful advice, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone. Depression is a vile, evil disorder, disease (whatever you want to call it.) I am dealing with it very heavily at the moment and am basically taking an "inventory" of my own life. I know that something needs to change. That's why we feel so miserable--we are not content with the way we are running or not running our lives.


I am approaching 30 in a few years and to me, that's the biggie--you know, when you're "supposed" to "have it all together." I'm so far from achieving my goals and dreams that I don't know what the even are anymore. But what I do know is, that getting a lot of money, a nice car, house, etc. will not make me feel any better. I have to learn to love myself and be content to live in a cardboard box, if that's where I'm meant to be. Being happy, joyous, and free is my #1 goal right now. And changing my environment won't help. The change must come from within.


Do you have a counselor, trusted relative, or clergy you can talk to? I am finally going to "suck it up" and go to a counselor again. I'm ready to move forward now. Care to join me? [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]