Last night I was talking to my husband and I was telling about this site and I told him about Christianne's experience at the pumpkin patch and he said, "whoa, just imagine if that would have happened to you!" I told him, "i'd rather not". I know I would have freaked out big time! I said the good thing about my emet, it that I am super observant and I know when someone is not feeling well. I could sense things and I try to get out of the situation before 'it' happens.
We started talking about when my grandpa was in the hospital and my mom told me to stay with him. At that point in the conversation I was crying. I remembered that day clearly.
First of all, I HATE hospitals, they make me nervous! i cannot be calm in a hospital room especially if the person just came out of surgery. You know, anesthesia and side effects are not good for emet people. Well that day my grandpa seemed fine he was responsive and was still able to move, so I said fine. Later that night I was getting real anxious because I noticed my grandpa kept swallowing hard and his face was getting pale. I knew something bad was going to happen. I got up to walk to the hallway because I knew what was coming next and sure enough he ended up v*ing. Mind you my grandma and my aunt were in the hallway with me because they were saying bye to me.
I started crying and they asked me what was wrong. I told them, I had just heard grandpa v*. They thought I was making it up and my grandma went back in and called my aunt in with her after she seen he had v*ed. I was in the hallway still shaking and pale and the nurse asked if I was fine, I said I'll be okay and she told me to sit down while she took my blood pressure. The results were not normal especially for a teen.
My grandma came out of the room with the soiled towels and I flinched at the sight. My grandma was tired and I knew she could not stay, so my aunt, who know how I am volunteered to stay with my grandpa. I was so relieved and while I was driving my grandma home I called my mom crying and all she could say was, "how could you be so selfish, you need to get over it!" I apoligized to my grandma and she understood me. That me feel better to hear her tell me it was okay.
After talking to my husband about this I was sitting in the office and thought to myself. I could have spent more time with my grandpa before he died if it wasn't for this darn fear! I was so terrified to be in the same room as him when he died with fear of his body ejecting all his body fluids as a natural muscle reactionafter death. Why?! Why couldn't I just stay in there with him?! I get so pissed off at myself for being so weak.
When my mother had cancer, I didn't visit her for the first month of her treatment because I was so scared of her v*ing! God forbid, but what if something tragic would have happened. I would not be able to live with myself knowing that I could not see my mother because of v*!
These are two people that I love with all my heart and I failed them. I know people say when you have your own kids , it isn't gross or hard, but I am terrified I will fail them as well. I can't go on with this fear! I want it to be gone! I've missed out in a lot of things in life I don't want to miss out in my kids!
Who ever read this thank you for listening
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