running away from home...at age35

[swiftette]

I have'nt been on very often(except for the games)because of all the chaos in my life. I don't really feel I could be of any help to anyone feeling the way I've been. But now ,here I am asking for help. I want to run away. My mom has cancer and I(even though I have 2 brothers) have been the only one taking care of her. My days usually go like this: wake up, have a cup of tea,get dressed and ready. Get my kids fed and ready.Get my husband fed(he dresses himself)Take my kids to school, husband to work(one car).Take my mom to -Monday do laundry, Tuesday- bloodwork at hospital, Wendsday- chemo, Thursday- Nuelasta shot at onc. office, Friday- food shopping which includescarrying all the groceries up my apt. and moms' apt.(we both live on third floors). Everyday at noon,we go to see my dad at the nursing home. Every afternoon,ultraordinary.It's the typical"mom grind" homework, dinner, cheering, gymnastics, ect. and I have to bathe the kids and take them to pick up my husband from work about 7:00.My hubby is not very helpful-he works long hours and has little patience for any of us when he is home. Added to all this is my daughter's O.C.D which makes her VERY difficult to deal with. I 'm losing patience AND my sanity. Tonight, I have been on the computer checking bus and train fares and trying to figure out how to leave ALL of them.I have a 2,000.00 c.d.I could cash in-but that is ALL the money I have in the world and no job skills. Very little family or friends to speak of.My life as it is now is nothing special. I amnothing special. Not pretty, not tallented, a 35 yearold has been that never was. I want a life. As selfish as that sounds and I know it makes me a horrible person for even thinking it. I just want to runaway and start a new life for myself. Between feeling like I'm being smothered under the weight of all this responsibility and feeling like my family is screwed up beyond repair, I just want to escape! I know I won't REALLY run away. But to be honest with you, I'm not sure if it's because I love them allso much or just because I'm not brave. Please someone tell me there is still hope for me.

[crimgoddess]

Man, I am SO sorry you are in a rough spot right now.


I don't think running away is the answer, but I do think you need a few days away to re-evaluate and de-stress. Can you call one of your brothers, or even a close friend of the family, and ask if they can pick up some of the slack for a few days so you can get away? Even if you just get a hotel room for a few days where you can be by yourself and think about what's going on, and how to make it better. MAKE your husband understand what you are going through- he may not 'get' how you are feeling right now- or even know there is a problem. This is definitely an emergency situation, and he needs to know how you are feeling.


As for you saying you have no talent, no skills, are unattractive, etc- I doubt any of that is true. It seems to me that everything else that is going on has overwhelmed you, and you have lost a sense of who you are in the shuffle. It seems that you have a very busy life and a lot of responsibilities- is there any way you can move things around so that you have time to do something for YOU in all of that? Even if it's just taking a night class, or meeting with a hobby group a few times a week. Or having 2-3 hours a day where everything else is taken care of and you can head out and do something you enjoy- even if it's just going for a walk, or being able to sit somewhere in the quiet and read without anyone bothering you.


Please, talk to your husband about all of this- and tell your brothers how being the sole person taking care of your mother is affecting you.


And don't feel bad about what you are feeling right now- we have ALL felt that way at one time or another!


Take care-


*amber*

[shiva]

All I can think to say right now is that you are obviously selling yourself short. It does sound like an overwhelming life, but it seems like there are a lot of people who depend on you- people who probably wouldn't know what to do without you. The way you help your family is a thousand times more important than superficial stuff. On the other hand, it does sound like you need more 'you time' and that isn't selfish- that is neccessary for a healthy and happy existence. I am really sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, but I can see why. You need to somehow make more time in your schedule for yourself. Give that a shot before you run- please. Talk to your husband, a friend, therapist? Vent more on here more often. We're here for you. I hope things work out.

[punchbuggy]

I agree with what Amber was saying. I think you should deffinately tell your husband because he may not see that this heavy load is causing so much stress in your life plus everything else you are dealing with ( phobia).


It is not easy to be in your position but I know I have been in similar positions and its not very fun at all. I think you should talk to your husband and brothers arrange for them to get a grasp on things and give yourself a little break. You deserve it. Explain that you just need to catch up with YOURSELF. reserve yourself a couple days at the spa and feel like a new woman.


Good luck,hope things get betterand we're here if you need us

[Melikasa]

I think you have A LOT on your plate right now. Even as a mom some days are tedious. I need a me day myself and I only have a 3 year old. I work a full time job as well but compared to what you have happening i can say YOU NEED a few days to youtself to recoup.
Have you talked to a hospice agency? I was a hospice worker for a few years they are there to help you with things like this, not just there for the "last moments" I was with a young lady that wasn't going to die from her cancer necassarily her outlook looked good, but I went and picked her up, brought her around, even just set up her TV programs and lunch. This gave her mom time to get out and have a few hours a few times a week for herself.
Talk to your husband, he may not have any clue whatsoever how bad it has gotten. Not to put men down but they are sometimes quite clueless, being blunt and forthright is what it takes. Same goes for your brothers. If you broke up the chores over 3 people and a hospice worker it will make it so much easier.
As for the talent and looks thing, its easy to feel that way when overwhelmed on days that are stressfilled I feel like a fat, uselss, unattractive nothing, but you have to think positive about all that you are/ Look at all your are doing right now and for how long you have been doing it. You are a kind, thoughtful caring person, a wonderful daughter, mother and wife.
I wish you all the best and hope that this mountain you are climing levels out for you.
In my prayers and thoughts
Melissa

[tcsarah]

I thinkanyone would be feeling the need to run away if they were doing what you are with no time to yourself. Even the best mother/daughter/wife/carer needs time to themselves otherwise they end up running themselves into the ground and end up ill and miserable feeling unable to cope with life in general. You have been doing far too much without any help from anywhere else. You really need to speak with your brothers and husband, and make them see how hard it is doing everything and that you really can't go on like this. Also speak with cancer supportnetworks - find out about the support and services they offer. There are services out there to help in situations like yours. Over here we have Macmillan nurses who visit cancer sufferers at home and give help and support to themand their friends and family - is there anyything like that in the US? This site may help with info: http://www.cancerlinksusa.com/support/index.asp


I know how draining it is caring for somebody with cancer. I lost my mum to it many years ago now, and last year I supported a close friend and went with him for hospital visits, blood transfusions, chemo, helped with shoppingetc. Sometimes you just want, well, need a bit a you time, and if you can't get it you end up like you are feeling now.


And I know youwill in no way be all those negative things you say about yourself.It's just that you have so much on your plate, you've run yourself down and are feeling depressed and stressed. When we feel like this we feel totally negative about ourselves and have very little self-confidence in our looks, abilities, whatever.


Feel free to pm me anytime. Take care.

[swiftette]

Thanks everyone. I feel a little better today(although my stomache is acting up [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]). I try to talk tomy husband and he has been really understanding but with his workload, there i s'nt much he can do. And as for my brothers-I wish I had the nerve to talk to them but they have always acted like I'm a pain in their butts. They are both much older than me. They both have plenty of money and are away every weekend. I-on the other hand-am a broke stay at home mom. But, their kids are all grown so I really wish they would step up to the plate-especially the one who lives near by me.I noticed last week this pottery place is opening soon mabey I can see about joining up because a hobby sounds really great right about now. Anyhow, thanks everyone!

[christi0126]

One thing not to forget is that while you feel worthless right now, you are a hero to your entire family. You are a hero to your husband for taking care of the children, a hero to your mother for being there for her as she would be there for you if you were in need and a hero to your children for being a fantastic mother! Just by reading your post, I was thinking what a great mom you are! You are doing it all and even though you feel burnt out just like everyone does at there jobs....you keep on going and take one day at a time! I think you are awesome for everything you are doing for your family. They are very fortunate to have you!!! Don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like you are very important to so many people

[suze]

I agree with what everyone has said here. You have a huge amount on your plate right now, but from reading everything you do, you sound an amazing woman, so don't put yourself down. I really don't have much to add, but you definitely need some 'you' time; it doesn't have to be everyday, you just need something to look forward to. I'm glad your husband has tried to understand, but your day is probably as tough, if not tougher, than his - just because you don't get paid, it doesn't mean you don't work your butt off! Ask him to run the kids around in the evening now and then, or make his own breakfast! As a single, full-time working, mum I know how bogged down you can get in routine. Anything that breaks that routine feels great, no matter how small.

As for your brothers - time to get assertive! You could always tell the odd white lie and say this week you are unable to take your mum to hospital/visit your dad/do the shopping etc., but that they are 'chores' that need doing. Get them involved slowly, don't ask too much, and you might find that they start to help. If you don't ask, you don't get!

Anyway, try and keep your chin up, running away will only bring with it a host of other problems. Please try and get a break from routine, if only for an hour, and keep reminding yourself that everything you do makes you a hero not a failure.