Need to Rant to People Who Care

[californiagirl]

Hi Everyone--I do apologize in advance for the pity party I'm throwing for myself here. I do need a little advice/reassurance/or anythong you can offer me?


Well, hubby (John) and I have had our share of crap over the years! I've shared some things on here in the past. Anyways, we've gone 2 weeks without arguing, which is GREAT for us!! Tonight ended that streak though.


I have a problem with his sis and bro in Boston (we're in AZ). When we lived there, we'd get together with them and I felt bad because I was their new sis-in-kaw, and tried very hard to fit into the family. When we'd get together, ALL THEY FRIGGIN' TALKED ABOUT were one or all of three things:


1) Boston Red Sox and the players' private lives (who friggin' cares?!?!??!?!?!!?)


2) New England Patriots and their private lives also


3) Their deceased dad and how hilarious he was because he was a hard-assed, can't have any fun, dictator. Yeh, funny.


Well, did they ever get to know about my life?? Where I came from?? My parent's/sister's names? NO. I was soooo nice to them, and helped out any way I could, but they still treated me as if I really wasn't there. My BIL said some rude things in my home, John's friend's (3 to be exact), have disrespected my daughter and I by either saying something mean or talking s**t about people of my race (God forbid, I'm not Italian like them, and I have nothing against them). So anyways, this all kind of hurt's my feeling's a little.


In February, I was stuck taking care of his daughter Jamie, she is a problem child, her mom didn't want her anymore, so they imposed her on me since I work from home.. Did they ask me if I wanted the responsibility of her? NO. I took care of her even after she s**t on me a few years back. I did special things for John's friends and one of their mother's when she goes through bad health stuff. Now I am caring for John's son who was hurt in an accident last week, which I don't mind because he is good with me. But, still, was I ASKED if I wanted to? NO. I make dinner every night, clean the house, work (at home), and make sure everything's taken care of. Also, all of the people that I mentioned above NEVER have sent me a birthday card on my birthdays, even though I did for theirs.


Anyways, my BIL called tonight. He hasn't called here in months, but he did tomight because the Patriots were on TV. I made a comment about it, and John gets mad at me. Never once did John ever defend me to any of these disrespectful people, but let ME say something about THEM, and he gets pi**ed at me!


So, I really got mad when he told me that I worry about this crap because I have "too much time on my hands"!!!! HELLO!!!! Am I not busy during the day, mainly catering to his hurt son?!?!?!? What an ass! So dumb me started crying and told him that maybe we should separate, since he can''t be f**king nice! Every time I talk to him or want hugs or something, he always has an excuse: "i'M NOT TURNING MY HEAD THAT WAY TO LOOK AT YOU", "I don't THINK about hugging you", It's late, I don't wanna discuss it", "I'm not gonna stand here and talk", etc. So, he said he doesn't wanna separate and that he has to "work on his problems". I've only heard this for years, but he is sstill insensitive and cold-hearted! Damn him! No matter how hard I try, I will never be deserving of his respect, let alone his hugs!!!!

[mee55]

It is frustrating when you feel excluded. I know the feeling. but at least your hubby recognizes the problem and says he wants to change.

[californiagirl]

It is frustrating when you feel excluded. I know the feeling. but at least your hubby recognizes the problem and says he wants to change.

Thank you


He SAYS he wants to, but then why doesn't he? It is so frustrating!! It sucks to be lonely, but not alone

[mee55]

I know what you mean!!! You should talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. tell him that it cant wait and you need to get it off your chest. also give him a chance to tell you have he feel in a none argumentative way. or write him a letter so you will not leave anything out

[californiagirl]

I like the letter part!! I will definitely try that---thank you [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

[daffodil]

Maybe he wants to change, but doesn't know how. I still think counseling would be a good idea, if you can get him to go.

[californiagirl]

Maybe he wants to change, but doesn't know how. I still think counseling would be a good idea, if you can get him to go.

Thanks DAFFODIL!!


Things have been going real good, but then his stupid brother calls and all hell breaks loose because of something I said. I just wish he'd understand why I feel so resentful toward him!


Counseling is a great idea, because he has issues from way before I met him, and I'm trying really hard to get him to go. If he agrees to go, I'll update this post, after I regain consciousness from fainting!! LOL

[mee55]

yea I think that would be a could idea also

[tcsarah]

If he has said he wants to work on his problems and try and change, and doen't want to end your marriage, then what I'd do (as he seems to never get round to it) is make an appointment with a counseller/therapistfor him or you both and then say, ok we have an appointment, this is it, make or break time. Either he makes the effort and goes or you will be left no option but to think he will never change, and things will never be any different, so there's only one thing left - and that's to seperate. Tell him that.


Life's too short to be stuck in a marriage that is making you feel unloved and unhappy. You are a beautiful young lady, Charlene, and deserve to be treated better, and certainly desserve to be happy.

[kellybean]

I hope he decides to go to councilling for your sake. I know how much you love him. If not, you have to do what's best for you!

[silver]

I can relate to the same frustrations at times with my husband. I have honestly found that I have to S.P.E.L.L. things out for him. Sometimes it is just a difference in communication styles too. We expect them to pick up on the things that we see as simple (like what you said about getting a hug.) but they don't because they think sooo differently than we do at times. I agree with writing the letter, I have done that before and it helped a lot. I know that you have had some frustrations in the past with your hubby and I would encourage him to do something about working it out instead of putting it off any longer.

[californiagirl]

Thank you all so much!!!!!


I'm going to take all of your advice and will update you

[SimplyMe]

What silver said reminded me of one of my psych classes. My psych teacher said women respond to one degree changes while men respond to SEASON changes lol. (ya know like a woman is ready to board up the house at a drop of rain and a guy doesn't notice the change til the windows are blowing in w/ the wind). I agree that couselling would be good, you need a translator sometimes hehe. We're here for you in the mean time for venting ... we all gotta do it sometimes and I can just feel your frustrationwhen reading your post. Hang in there! Edited by: SimplyMe

[curly wurly]

I really hope your husband decides to go for counselling. It must be so hard for you when your husband does not treat you with the love and respect which you deserve. I hope things get better for you soon.

[punchbuggy]

I can deffinatly relate to you and what you are going through I am russian and my fiance is african, hes from the west part of africa Sierra Leone to be exact and they speak creo there which is a form of broken english mixed with portugese,english,french and german. Well I too do EVERYTHING I can to be respected and included and I feel so left out all the time because all they do is sit around and talk in thier language and make jokes in their language that I can barely understand and then get surprised when I am quiet. It really sucks to be left out and just being in that situation in general sucks too because you dont want to look like a b* in front of your husbands family but you constantly feel left out and taken advantage of , I really dont know how to approach this situation but my best advice would be writing a letter to him , going to counselling or (if you are really seriuos) not asking him to seperate but telling him you are seperating from him and not giving him the option by saying maybe we should.. . But i would only do this if you arecompletely serious about it. Good Luck with everythign and I hope things get better for you two !

[californiagirl]

Thank you all again!! I feel so much better now that I know people understand and care enough to write to me about this


I told him that I will be making an appt. for a counselor as soon as I find a reputable one. Also, that if he doesn't make even a small effort to change, I will be leaving him. I am also gonna write him a letter (he can read it while he goes to the bathroom LOL), because it is alot easier to express feelings in a letter, and he'll hopefully understand better as he reads it.


Again, my friends, thank you!!!!! **blows kisses**

[HDogg]

I can relate to a lot of that. I had a boyfriend in college, who was part of a huge Italian family. They were all close-knit, and I was from a small, dysfunctional European-mutt family. I would go to gatherings and wonder what the hell I was even doing there. And sports--well, I never had any interest in ANY sport. I was the "band geek" type. The only sport my dad ever watched was golf. zzzzzzzz So, I definitely felt weird on "game day."


Now, with my husband, I relate to the "having to spell things out for him." He doesn't seem to "get" women sometimes. If I am crying about something, he stands by looking like a deer in headlights. "My wife is crying and hormonal--what do I do?????" [img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img] Duh. All I want is a hug and him to tell me, "it's going to be all right!" Men. You would think it would be instinct to hug a woman who's upset. But sometimes, they really don't get it. He tries, though. He tries to be "rational," which I hate sometimes. But at least he talks to me. Or listens. He's mostly a listener, and I'm a babbler. We're like night and day. After 4 years of marriage, I get him now. And I'm okay with that. I just have to tell him how I feel and what I want. It doesn't mean he doesn't care--he's just clueless about women. [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img] But if I tellhim I need a hug, he always obliges (unless we're fighting, of course.)


I don't really have any real advice, other than what others have already said. But just know you aren't alone. "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

[tcsarah]

Good for you Charlene! I so hope he makes the effort and goes with you for counselling and takes on board the words in your letter. All the best x