Well I v*ed last night. I have been ruled by my phobia since I was 9 years old (I am 25 now) and lately have been feeling like I am ready to face this phobia and get over it because I am sick of being panicky all the time. Most of my adult life I have never drank and over the last year or two I do sometimes drink now and I enjoy going out dancing and having a good time with my friends. I have been wanting to try new foods and have been getting into spicy foods. I have been thinking of going back for a second degree in early childhood education, and the fear of kids or myself getting a stomach virus has been a huge factor in whether i should do it or not. I have been sick of this fear controlling what I do.
So anyway, about a month ago I had too much to drink at a wedding and felt quite sick for a few hours after coming home. I did anything I could to stop myself from being sick and trying to get my nausea to go away, including sitting in my shower with ice cold water from the showerhead flowing down on me for like an hour. I did not wind up getting sick that night but I felt nauseas for like 4 hours and nauseas all the next day.
Last night, I drank too much again and I felt so sick while trying to go to sleep. I felt so bitter, thinking of my friends telling me stories about how if they have drank too much they will go home and purposefully make themselves v* to feel better and not be huungover the next day! Oh, the freedom to do that so carelessly. I have been so envious lately of people who can v* and not think twice about it.
So anyway, I got a glass of water, some paper towels, and I decided I was going to vomit on purpose. I felt that sick and also I felt really angry. And wouldn't you know it but I could not throw up! I was trying to and I couldn't! I mean I was dry heaving and purposefully making a loud noise but nothing would come up. Finally I actually tried to stick my finger in my throat but maybe there was a little part of me that still did not want to cause I didn't do that for more than a second of time.
I finally did v* it was like a teaspoon of fluid and was more likely a loogie or something cause nothing barely came out but a little did so I know I did actually v*. Also my throat got sore from the acid.
So anyway that was it and that is my story. I am not sure how I feel. In a way I am glad I have now v*ed recently cause the last time was 4 years ago and it was vague how everything felt, I just knew it was something to avoid but talking with my psychologist I was not sure what I've hated so much about it in particular. Now I kind of have more of an idea, and what it is, is the feeling of chunks coming up my throat that I think I dislike the most about the whole thing. Nothing much came out last night and it was pure liquid so I don't know, it wasn't that bad. But I was hesitant to stick my finger down my throat much cause I really didn't want to full-blown v* my dinner up. Also the wrteching sound I make really embarasses me. I feel like I am louder than other people are when they are sick. I don't want anyone to have to listen to me doing that, I even had the shower running to try to mask the noise. My boyfriend said he is usually kind of quiet when he v*es and he thinks it is because he relaxes and lets his body do the work for him, he said it seemed like I was trying to hard to help my body along (he wasn't there with me but from how I described it to him).
Well thats all for now cause I see I really have talked a lot about this. I have some conclusions about it though that I am also gonna make a thread about.
By the way I did feel a LOT better nauseas-wise after getting sick and I haven't felt sick at all today. Much different than how I usually feel if I've had a few drinks. Also, please don't think I am an alcoholic or anything! In a way I think I h
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