The Shame and Guilt Factor

[domino2006]

Hey guys and gals,

I was just thinking about how much shame factors into this emet thing for me. Were any of you raised by a family member or members who made you feel bad or unworthy when you were s* or v*?

I was writing on another post but think it is more appropriate here that when I was ever s* at my home I would never wake anyone up. I would suffer through it by myself. I am still very much like that. If I give in to v*ing then I have failed. I don't want anyone to know and my worst fear is being somewhere and having to v* and someone finding out or hearing me. The worst would be at school and v* in front of my students!
Ahhhhhhrrr!

Just this week at school (I am a teacher), yesterday in fact, this happened to me. I have had a bad cold all week and have been weak and tired out with a sore and swollen throat, which can lead to that gag reflex thing and of course n*, right? So I was in class, trying to teach, and this terrible n* came over me and I kept thinking "Hey, this is a chance I can get over my emet. I'll just give in to it." But along with the fear of actually v* came that shame and guilt: I can't leave my class, where will anyone find a sub, what if someone walks in on me in the bathroom, how would I explain myself?" Who thinks like this! If you are sick you are sick and people should feel sorry for you. Why don't I give myself a break like that. I feel that if I v* then I am inconveniencing someone. I'm doing something wrong, something actually shameful.

So in class I did my breathing techniques and fought it and fought it for about an hour, through the next class, worked through it, and finally mastered it and it went away. Then I stayed home today, Friday, and was greatly relieved. So did I succeed because I didn't let my coworkers down and I worked through it, or did I fail because I let my fear of v* control me? I am so confused. I feel like there is no way I can win. If I am emet, it controls my life and prevents me from eating what I like, going where I like, doing what I like. But if I stop being emet, will I v* more often, feel miserable more often because I've given in, and let more people down? In some ways aren't we sort of superhuman? Why give that up?

HELP!

These things are so confusing and frustrating.

The other stupid thing is that while I would never want my family to hear or see or know of me v*, I don't mind asking them a hundred times a day "Do you think I will v*?" That really makes them mad! But I think if I actually did it they would freak out, I don't know.
Steph

[Galadriel]

I very much hear you. I feel very similar, I feel like if I give in and get sick then its something shameful that could be inconviniencing someone (say if I got sick at work), and people would look down on me for it, but then again I wonder how can other people just do it and don't have that with it? Its like I've got all this bad feelings attached to the act of v* that I've picked up somehow, and those feelings don't have to be attached to it (the shame, guilt, inconvinencing someone). I really get feeling like if I did get sick, then its something I must have done to make myself catch it, so its not as "valid" if I get sick say as compared to someone else.

I wonder if other emets have this as well, if they feel this way?

Edited by: Galadriel

[glitta_fairy]

First of all I think you did great fighting it like that- because you had a job to do and you didn't let your emet stop you. I think you're being too hard on yourself!! You didn't leave, you didn't panic- you went on with your day! [img]smileys/smilies_39.gif[/img]Don't stress over it- just think of it as the triumph it is! Any person in your position would have been begging themselves not to v*- emet or not.


I think part of our fear is (well definitely for me anyway) that because when other people v* I think they're disgusting that everyone will think the same of me if I do it. But it's just NOT TRUE!! To non-emets, it's just a normal part of life. Most people couldn't care less if they saw you v*.


Have you talked to anyone about this? You seem to have a million too many thoughts in your head [img]smileys/smilies_11.gif[/img]and it might help to work through them with someone else so you can figure everything out. I'm the same way- my bf is always telling me he wishes he could just turn my brain off sometimes when I start to over-analyse...


But don't beat yourself up!We all understand where you're coming from and can relate... trust me I'm just as confused as you are lol[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]


Kayla

[happyteacher]

Hey guys and gals,

Just this week at school (I am a teacher), yesterday in fact, this happened to me. I have had a bad cold all week and have been weak and tired out with a sore and swollen throat, which can lead to that gag reflex thing and of course n*, right? So I was in class, trying to teach, and this terrible n* came over me and I kept thinking "Hey, this is a chance I can get over my emet. I'll just give in to it." But along with the fear of actually v* came that shame and guilt: I can't leave my class, where will anyone find a sub, what if someone walks in on me in the bathroom, how would I explain myself?" Who thinks like this! If you are sick you are sick and people should feel sorry for you. Why don't I give myself a break like that. I feel that if I v* then I am inconveniencing someone. I'm doing something wrong, something actually shameful.

Steph

I've been there myself. I also feel shame and guilt when I send one of my students running out of the classroom when they tell me they don't feel well because I can't help them. I wish I could deal with that too.

[kasey]

WAIT!


I ask The Don and my Mother about 5,000 times a day if they think I am going to v*...get a sv*...or if I will eat, will it make me v*.


Domino, you do this?


I go through times when I ask a lot and when I don't ask at all...I am having one of my bad years when I ask all the time...Next year, I won't ask at all.


I feel so embarrased that I even do this...


And now it's habit for me...I sometimes ask and don't even realize what I am saying because I am so used to it.


I feel so sheepish.

[domino2006]

Yes, I ask people all the time. In fact, one funny thing I remember I was getting on a roller coaster (one of the last times I ever went on one) and I asked the really creepy guy standing at the gate "Will this ride make me v*?" And I will never forget he said, "No, but I might!"

Be careful who you ask

[johnlp]

I feel guilty because I get upset with my daughter when she ask me "do you think I'm going to v*, am I alright, do I feel like I have a fever"? When I do the same dang thing! i guess I hate that in myself so much I take it out on her. I feel like such a jack-ass when I do that too. She just wants reassurance. I seek it and offer it to others here but I get snappy with her![img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]


I really feel like a bad dad sometime![img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[domino2006]

John, I just read your post under "2 anyone who has cleaned it up" about what you do for your kids. You are an awesome dad! Really, you seem to go out of your way to not only be understanding but to make your kids feel better when they are sick. I wish my parents had taught me as much about v* and took as much time with me as you do yours.

You're doing a great job, it seems to me!

And for anyone who hasn't read Johns other post, it was very helpful and I will remember those tips if I ever have kids of my own.
Steph