Marriage problems..don’t know what to do.

[silver]

Hey guys,


This is completely unrelated to anything that we talk about here, but I need some guidance. My life with my husband has been a living hell lately and I don't know what to do. A little bit of background...he has been drinking a lot lately (which runs in his family). He has a lot of problems with work that he is dealing with and old issues from his childhood that he is having a hard time with. I am trying my best to be supportive and listen to him, but its not enough. Last weekend he got really drunk and then came home and yelled at me and basically told me what a piece of s*** I am. He pinned me down on our bed and yelled in my face. Then he started shaking the gun cabinette (he bird hunt.) and was half threatening to kill himself (which I know that he never would.) He keeps telling me that if I left him he would kill himself. I haven't been able to talk to anybody about this, and it has taken me a few days to sort this out in my mind. He is angry with me for not having sex with him lately. I haven't wanted to because of all of this s*** going on. The other night I didn't want to and he kept pushing me. I finally told him to just go ahead and do it if he wanted to...he went ahead and did it knowing full well that I didn't want to. He just did it anyways! Stupid of me, I know, but I wanted to see if he was actually selfish enough to do it. I feel so uncomfortable around him right now. He is like a bomb about to go off. He has NEVER hit me before, but the other night when he was drunk I actually thought that he was going to. I feel so stuck right now. We just got married a year and half ago and it is falling apart like everything else in my life. I am really trying to be the right person and help him through his s***, but I can't take him being abusive towards me. I know that I have these stupid anxiety problems and such, but this is making me worse and he can't see that. I am tired of everything being my fault...Guys, I am so sorry for this vent, I don't know where to turn for help right now and I am not sure if I am the messed up one or not in this...any advice is appreciated.

[kate1966]

OMG I am so sorry you are going through that. I can kind of relate, but my husband used to be very cruel, and not physically abusive, but mentally abusive to me and my kids. I think you need to sit down and have a good talk with him when he is sober, tell him your concerns, and tell him he needs to get some help with his drinking and his other past issues. If he will do this, then maybe things can work out. If he refuses, you will have to ask yourself, is it worth sticking around for, b/c in reality, if he's a drinker, and he's abusive now, if he doesn't want to stop or get help, then the behavior will continue and likely just get worse. I know you feel stuck, but you have to think about yourself now...i have stayed married for 17 yrs. and now i regret it b/c i have lost all respect and any love/feelings i used to have for my husband. Now i stay for the sake of my boys, who are 16 and 13....which he is verbally abusive towards them as well. He has been in therapy and on meds. for over a year now, and it has helped alot...but i have to say, i should have left him along time ago. However, you have to make the decision as to weather you will continue to put up with his behavior or not.....i wish no one had to deal with these kinds of things, but unfortunetly we do sometimes...you have to be strong and be true to yourself first and foremost. I hope some of what i have said makes some sense to you...i wish you luck, and pm if you like...Kate

[suze]

Silver, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think his behaviour has been deplorable - the sex incident made me shiver a bit...you know, what he did, when you really didn't want to...that's not right.

I don't know what to advise here, but most of all you must focus on your own emotional well-being, that should be your priority. If, emotionally, you cannot deal with this, then you need to distance yourself, if only to get your own head together.

I also think you need too question whether, at the end of the day, do you really love this guy. And I mean REALLY love him...f**k the fact that you're married, marriages end all the time, but if you love him, then things can work out for you.

Have you thought about counselling...the two of you together? Might be worth a shot and it will address some of your husband's issues too. Talk to him when he's sober, but if you can't get through, then put some distance between you. Your own safety, physical and emotional, should be your priority.

Good luck and take care.

[Girlygirl1980s]

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I can definitely relate: I've been married for a year and a half to a crack addict. He does work and pay half his bills, but instead of ever saving any money, he blows it on drugs, and I'm talking probably close to $15,000 a year! He has never hit me, but he too, also had me pinned down on the bed last weekend during an argument. I'm sorry I don't have any real advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know I can empathize with you. If you want to, e-mail me at [email protected].

[katsamsmom3]

i had a boyfriend like that. he was sweet and chamrming sober,,,then a monster when he was under the influence.


if he will not talk to you while he is sober....then the next time he pulls that crap with you...call the cops, file a report and then a restraining order. if he will not ge tthe help he needs to save your marrige...then save yourself.


i know this sounds harsh but it is time to think of yourself!!!


<3

[kimm992]

I agree that you need to think of yourself. Do you have any children with this man?? If you do then at least for THEIR sake you need to remove yourself and them from the situation.

If anyone, let alone my HUSBAND who is supposed to love and respect me ever held me down on the bed and yelled in my face I would leave him IMMEDIATELY without hesitation and then demand he got help before I returned.

I apologize if I sound harsh but everyone has a CHOICE. You either CHOOSE to leave the situation and help yourself or you CHOOSE to stay and be abused....

[katsamsmom3]

amen to that Kimm

[silver]

No, thankfully I don't have children with him. Last weekend while he was raging he told me that he wanted to start having kids to "give him something else in his life" and started yelling at me about not wanting to have kids right now. To be honest with you guys I do want to have children and I am ready, but there is NO WAY IN HELL that I am going to have children with him the way things are. I told him that too, that there was no way that I would have kids with him right now. I did tell him that he either needed to get counseling or I was going to leave. I always told myself that I wouldn't put up with this s*** EVER from a man...Its funny how things change when you are in that situation. I guess that I have started to believe all of the s*** that he has been telling me lately. Deep down I know that it isn't true, but I am questioning everything right now about myself and this relationship.


Kimm, I appreciate your honesty and you are right, it is a choice...its irronic because I work with battered women everyday and try to help them...not that I am a battered woman, but it is emotionally abusive and not right.

[Carolee]

As far as him changing, he has to do that on his own. As for you, my only suggestion is to go to al-anon for yourself, and get yourself help. Hope it works out


Carolee

[kimm992]

Emotional abuse is JUST AS BAD and CAN BE WORSE than physical abuse so don't think that because he hasn't hit you it means that his abuse is less serious.

If you are starting to actually question whether some of the things he's been saying to you are true then his abuse is obviously starting to take a serious toll on you. I'm glad you are able to look at this situation and realize it's not a good environment to bring children into.

Situations like these are never easy but just be aware that the situation WILL get worse until you make the decision to do something about it.

Edited by: kimm992

[ginger_saves]

silver, I am so sorry you are going through this. All of the members above gave great advice and hopefully, you can start anew somehow. These things are easier said than done, but just have faith and things will work out for you in the end.

[SimplyMe]

Geez, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I have a friend whose hubby is now recovered alcoholic/drug addict and he'd get pissed about her not wanting kids but SHEESH why bring kids into this kind of situation? Its not fair for them and adds another stress (and excuse to drink).


I agree you can try talking to him when he is sober, in a calm way and let him know how badly it hurts and scaresyou to see him this way and the things he says and does. Like has been said if he's willing to get help then excellent but if not YOU would probably benefit from therapy just for you to help you while you are deciding what to do.


It's such a difficult situation and very hard decisions need to be made on your part just remember that if he doesn't think there's a problem (on his part) and doesn't want to get better then nothing you say or do is going to change that. He is going to be exactly who he chooses and allows himself to be and where you play into all of this will be your choice.


We're all here for you so please no need to apologize about venting ... it's a necessity!

[kellybean]

I am so sorry you have to put up with this. PLEASE don't beleive anything he is saying to you while he's under the influence, he has no idea what he's talking about. I think it's a good idea for you to talk to someone who can help you deal with this. Hopefully he would be willing to get some help as well.


We are always here to listen.

[metallikat87]

Silver...please PM me if you need to. I'm going through the same thing right now with my fiancee. I need someone to talk to as well. We can help eachother through this.

[punchbuggy]

sorry your going through this , i read the entire post but im kinda short on time so im going to reply with some advice for you later. sorry again *hugs*