Very sad

[sela]

I don't really post much, but do read a lot of the posts here and everyone seems to give great advice and be so supportive...so I kinda just wanted to express my feelings a little and perhaps ask for some advice.

Bottom line...my husband has never been supportive of my emet, never taken an interest in it, never even asked me about it, even when a year ago I was in full blown panic, housebound and had to start meds. He never cared...my support was my sister and I never told anyone else about it for a long time. Well, in the last year, things have improved tremendously with my emet and I actually feel ok talking to close friends about it now. So, last night we were at a friends place, having a great time and the topic of SV comes up, along with V****. So, everyone is telling stories etc. and I decided I could tell them about my phobia, since we may be travelling with them soon and they are both serious drinkers!!! So, I explain it and they seem confused but understanding of it. Well my husband pipes in and says, oh yah, some phobia, I got sick all over myself in a cab next to her and she was fine. Well, he did do this (from drinking) and it happened before I knew what my phobia was...but I was trapped in the car....and afterwards I did freak out and get mad at him for being so dumb as to drink that much. Anyway, he made me look like such a fool and basically told them I was full of it and my phobia was made up. I was very hurt, but did not want to spoil the night.

When we left, the first thing he says when we get outside is how embarassed he is of me, that I tell our friends about this made up phobia and make myself look like a fool. He proceeded to tell me that my phobia is fake and something I use to get attention....he says I have an attention seeking disorder. I am just so sad and hurt and this is just one of the many issues we have. I guess I just wanted to get it out and I apologize for making this so damn long.

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far and I guess I just wondered if anyone else has had to deal with this type of reaction in a partner, or even a friend and how you dealt with it. I know its most likely time for me to move on and not put up with this anymore.....it is just so hard to get over the fact that my husband feels this way about me and says it openly to my face.

Vent done......

[Galadriel]

Hey Sela,
I am so very sorry that your husband is treating you this way. There is no excuse for his acting like that. It sounds like he doesn't even care to try and understand. I don't know what to tell you regarding him just simply because with the way he is acting he seems bent on not listening to you.

I've had to deal with this sort of reaction from family growing up. No one really took my phobia seriously growing up, and immidate family reacted very similar. My mom and dad just didn't even care to try and know about it. I guess I dealt with it by just keeping it all to myself which is a horrible way to live. The thing is though this is your husband (not like a child/parent relationship) so its the 2 of you together. Have you tried getting him to counseling? If he won't go it wouldn't hurt for you to go, because it sounds like youve had a real hard time.

Just please know that you do indeed have a very real phobia, and try and not let his comments make you doubt yourself. Believe me I know how hard living with this can be, and its really sad that he is acting like that. I don't think anyone with this phobia would endure this just for the sake of "getting attention", that is the biggest crock ever.

Once again I am sorry he is treating you liek that, you shouldnt have to deal with that kind of abuse.

[confusedgirl]

*hugs* When I was living with my parents, they thought I was making up this phobia for attention, too. [img]smileys/smilies_12.gif[/img]You could try to get him to read some of the information about it that's online, or maybe he should talk to a counsellor who could explain that emet is real and that you have it. Either way, I hope he becomes more understanding, that must be so hard to live with.

[virgo_witch]

my mother thinks that it is something that she is allowed to use against me...she used to retch and threaten to v* in front of me if i didnt do what she asked me to do. in fact, my best friend thinks i should just do exposure therepy...even though ive told her i am unable to do such a thing. the only person that ive met in my offline life that has shown any sympathy is a friend of mine who has a phobia of feces...lol...its pretty interesting, but sad as he told me how he became so afraid of feces. but yeah, you aren't alone and i honestly have to say that your husband sounds down right MEAN. im sorry, but he does.

[angles]

having someone who is very close to you not understanding this phobia is such an awful thing, especially your husband of all people! he should be the one who is there for you through all the bad times and be the shoulder to cry on. when i first explained my phobia to my ex he was very adamant to understand and even now i dont think he ever really understood why it affected me so much but he learnt to put up with it and eventually supported me when i needed it because he knew it was important to me. i explained to him that its not just me that has this phobia - there are thousands of people out there who suffer from it too. perhaps if you showed your husband some of the support sites that are set up online or even just sites that explain the phobia, he might become a little more supportive. what i did was find similar stories to mine and say "look! see im not the only one who feels like this.." apart from that i dont really know what other advice to offer. good luck

[tcsarah]

Your husband is being so insensitive and downright nasty really. He obviously doesn't understand the first thing about anxiety disorders or phobias. Don't ever feel bad because of his attitude, and don't start bottling things up again - it's important to be able to confide in somebody close for support.It would be nice if that somebody was your husband but unfortunately our partners are not always the best supports. I would talk some more with friends who you can trust.


My fiance doesn't understand this phobia at all, and sometimes says things that are horrible or even makes a joke about it now and again. He does protect me from v* scenes when we are out, but then again seems to also make light of it at other times. The problem is he's not afraid of anything - he's never had any phobias and doesn't suffer anxiety or panic attacks, so the way I feel is totally alien to him. One of his best friends suffers from anxiety and phobias (he has problems with social phobia) so when we get together we have a good natter about things, and my fiance sits there looking totally bewildered! I also have a good friend who can relate and who is a good support, and my dad is too (he understands as he has suffered from anxiety and depression himself). I'm sure you will find as you open up to friends there will be somebody who understands and will give you support.


Justtry not tolet that hubby of yours upset you, it sounds like he has a few issues that need addressing himself. Can I ask, if you don't mind, if he is an insecure man? That could explain the way he tries to belittle you by saying you are making this phobia up for attention. Insecure people can tend to try and chip away at their partner's confidence to try and bring them down to their level to insure against them leaving.


As somebody else suggested I think therapy/counselling would be a good idea, if possible for you both, but if he refuses, go for yourself. Have you ever spoken with your doctor about your phobia? If not I really recommend it, s/he will be able to put you in touch with a therapist.


Good luck with everything!

[sqil30]

Hey Sela,


I am sorry that your husband is acting this way. If he could only walk a day in your shoes when you hae a full blown panic attack I am sure he would feel differently. that is the trouble with this phobia, people don't understand. Is your husband afraid of anything? Maybe you could use that as an example. You can also tell him from me that THIS IS NOT A MADE UP PHOBIA! Makes me so mad when people assume that it is!


On the upside, you have found the right place to vent, express your fears and feelings and receive great advice! Everyone here will be there for you.

[sela]

Thank you all for your very kind words...I means a lot to me. In terms of your suggestions, yes I have suggested therapy for us, but he only agrees to go so he can go and tell the therapist what a pain I am and actually believes that he will be vindicated and the therapist will agree with him. It does not matter how many times I tell him that therapy should be about wanting to affect change and get help not about looking for a third party to take your side,he does not get it.

And yes, TCSarah, I really think he is very insecure, although he would NEVER admit this....he thinks he is the best and downright perfect in every way. I do know that a lot of what is happening between us is his insecurity and need for power and control. He has said to me many times, I will never change, you want more attention, love and affection and I will NOT give it to you, so you should find yourself another man. Ha....writing this stuff makes me look like such a fool for staying with him....its pathetic...but you know when you love someone, you really hope something will change. I really need to get a grip here!!!

Again thanks again for all your support and advice.....I think the bottom line is, I have to find the courage to get out, to move on....cause I don't think he will ever be able to treat me the way a husband should treat a wife and I DO realize I should not have to put up with this from anyone!

Hugs to all....thanks again!

[kutiekate]

My parents know that it is very real to me and concerned but dont understand why its so scary. They sometimes tease me and say things like "oh no, in gonna v*" or "dont eat that kate you might v*" b/c i get scared about eating things sometimes. They do it because they want me to see it as not a big deal and not to take myself so seriously, it helps a littlebut still. I dont know hang in there. Sometimes people just dont know how to deal with things.

[punchbuggy]

Im really sorry about your situation and i can understand why you would stay with him because of the love you have for him, i had a bf that used to treat me like a pile of crap but i did anything for him because i loved him , so trust me i know what its like. the thing is your husband it telling you straight out to find another man and tha he isnt going to give you any more attention, i think you deserve WAY better than this. I know it is not in my place to judge your relationship but it almost seems like he is trying to make you leave him so he doesnt have to do it. what a jerk. you can have someone who will reat you so much better and actually give you the time of day and try to understand you.


In terms of the way he reacts to your phobia , that is straight up obnoxious. He doesnt care about the way you feel and thinks you are making this up? im sorry but is he stupid why would someone make up a phobia like this for attention, i mean come on. he really need to get a good reality check, because obviuosly he doesnt know how to communicate with people especially his wife. what kind of husband would want to belittle his wife in front of people, that just isnt right.


I hope that you are able to get all of the support you need and deserve from us here and certainly hope things work out for you whether you decide to kick him to the curb or stay with him. best of luck ! feel better.

[crystalmom]

Wow...reading your post, I thought I had written something and forgot. You are in the same position as me. We have the same A$$holes to deal with.


Does he treat you this way in other aspects of your life? Do you have kids together? I ask b/c I know how it sounds when you are with someone who treats you like you're stupid, and continue to stay with him. Why do we do it?


When I met my bf, I was VERY upfront about my panic disorder, and my emet. I even printed off the sheets that sage made for spouses and family. I truely thought he understood. The emet, me, everything. Now, after 2 years (and a baby on the way) I realize he is an insesitive prick. In almost all aspects. Grrrrr.


Anyway, I guess the only advice I can give you is to try to talk to him, but if he is like my bf, it goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe we can get them on Dr Phil? [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img] See how vindicated they are there....lol!


Take care,


Crystal

[moonshadow]

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. This may sound flippant but it's not, I'm deadly serious - I dealt with a similar situation by leaving the a**hole.


It wasn't specifically about my phobia -he attacked and belittled and mocked every area of my life. I endured his scorn because I felt I must have 'deserved' it. When I finally realised I didn't deserve it, I knew I had to leave.


You sound very intelligent and self-aware and you know you deserve respect from your partner. HE was the one who embarrassed YOU, fer god's sake! You trusted him and your friends with your confession, and he betrayed you! Maybe therapy would help... because he's going to realise that the therapist is NOT there to take his side against you and it might be the nasty shock he needs!

[sela]

Thanks everyone for your posts...it means a lot to me.

Crystal...yah in most aspects of our life he treats me badly......it seems like our marriage is one big competition to him...like how he is so much better than me....it gets very tiring. It also makes me react in the same way, which I hate...I don't want to be this person, but I get so angry and frustrated, I end up at his level.

Anyway, like I said, I don't know what I will do, but I hope to gather enough strength to do what I know I NEED to do. You guys are all soo great...thanks again!

[dachshundlover]

My living situation is exactly the same as yours. I am in the process of going to counseling and making the decision on whether to stay here. I hate this and I wish more people would understand thatthis phobia is REAL. My only support is my sister (she has it too). Good Luck to you. I'm here if you need to vent...I do it all the time!![img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]