Small steps...my story (Long!!)

[carrie_281]

I guess I've had this fear my whole life, but the first time I actually remember it affecting my daily life was back when I was 14 years old. I don't remember what triggered it, and frankly, at that time, I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that everytime I ate something, anything at all, I had horrible stomach aches and was terrified to throw up. I began seeing doctor after doctor and they ran tests after x-ray after more tests, and they found nothing. They looked for everything! Chron's, Colitis, IBS, acid reflux...everything, but to no avail. According to them,I was an average, healthy, 15 year-old girl, who may be suffering from a secret eating disorder (i dropped about 40 pounds during that time, and I'm a slim person to begin with) No one understood that the weight loss was not because I wanted to lose it, but because I was terrified of eating anything that would make me sick. Then, one doctor told me it may be stress related, and that I should just relax, change my thought process, be more positive, and the stomach aches should stop. I thought to myself wow, this guy must be a genious!! why haven't I thought of that!! just think positive!! (note the hint of sarcasm that may not come across the written word!) After that visit, I got so discouraged that I just stopped seeing the doctors and talking about how I was feeling. I buried it, and after a while, I even started forgetting about it. My life went on normally, only once in a while did I refer to the time I was having stomach problems and ulcers, and only once in a while did the fear rear its ugly head. I put the weight back on, I was happy! I really thought I was free of this problem...boy was I in for a surprise. About 4 years later, around the time I entered University (I think I was 19 or so), I was licing with my then boyfriend and his roommate. His roommate and I didn't get along very well, but we were moving in a few months, so I chose to stay and deal with it. Until one night...I don't know what was wrong with him, but he got up in the middle of the night and was sick...over and over again...moaning, and crying, and basically sounding as if he was dying. Then, the next morning, I heard him describe every gory detail to my boyfriend... I was horrified. Low and behold, I starting developing my stomach problems again. But this time, it took over my life swiftly and effectively. It wasn't long before I dropped out of school for fear of catching something, I would spend hours and hours cleaning and disinfecting everthing, I cried all the time, and was dealing with an unhealthy amount of anxiety. I was killing myself. I no longer saw my friends, I became somewhat agoraphobic, my boyfriend and I were having more and more problems. He didn't know how to help, and I was mad that he couldn't save me. I quickly spiraled out of control..dropped another 45 pounds, my family and only friend left kept accusing me of being anorexic, and all this time, I still did not know what was wrong with me. I thought it was physical, but all the tests came back clean! I tried to convince them that I was not anorexic, I want to eat...I'm just scared... Finally, after a particularily bad day, my boyfriend had enough and took me to the hospital. I thought I was going to see another doctor about my stomach problems, but in reality, my boyfriend had called ahead and made an appointment with the psychiatrist. They perscribed me Celexa and suggested I start some therapy to deal with my depression. That's when I finally admitted it to myself, I have an irrational fear of being sick (I still didn't know it had a name!). That's when treatment began. The first therapist I saw though exposure therapy was th best way to proceed...she wanted me to bring in fake vomit, throw it on the floor, and see how I would react. Unbelievable...I wanted to scream to her...it's NOT ABOUT SEEING IT!! IT'S ABOUT IT HAPPENING TO ME...feeling trapped, embarrased, disgusting, disapointing people because I have to cancel something because I'm sick,feeling like I'm going to die, etc. I'll spare the rest as I

[susie_q]

Great story, I read through the whole thing and could relate to a lot of what you were saying. I am glad you were able to find help and can function in your day-to-day life now.

Welcome to the site!