living with someone with emetophobia

[epphobe]

i've read about many relationships that have been destroyed by emetophobia. i don't want the same to happen to me and my partner. honestly, it wasn't until yesterday that i've directly felt the effect of her having emetophobia. i won't go into details now that i realize, maybe she really can't control this. i should understand, being a victim of ptsd, that there are some things we just can't control but it took a while to sink in. i felt very hurt because i felt abandoned then i start to think more about it as she tries her best to explain herself to me. of course, it doesn't change the fact that it hurts, but i'm sure being more informed about emetophobia will allow me to cope and be there for her as well.
besides my little rant, i did have a question.

is it possible to develop emetophobia due to being with someone with emetophobia?
and are there any suggestions as to how someone that's chronically ill can still have a successful relationship with someone with emetophobia? is it possible?Edited by: epphobe

[lyntess]

First of all, big kudos to you for being open to learning more about this, and trying to educate yourself and expose yourself to what she's going through. Welcome to the site, and I hope you find a lot of helpful information here-- not just about emets and the phobia itself, but how you can work your relationship around it.

Secondly, PLEASE understand that there's no "maybe" about her really not being able to control it. If she's truly emetophobic, her fear is no less irrational and uncontrolable than any other phobia-- like spiders, closed in spaces, or clowns. It may seem silly, but it's very very real, and there's nothing she can do to change it no matter HOW much she wishes she could.

My husband has what most people would probably consider a normal abdominal life. He sometimes gets a touch of food poisoning, runs into the occasional tummy bug, overindulges on alcohol now and then. No big deal, right?

For me, it's a constant battle of will just to sleep beside him when I know he's been feeling lousy. And if he so much as breathes a little differently, I'm instantly on alert and TERRIFIED, ready to run. Run where? I don't even know. The trash can, to bring it to him? The light switch, certainly. The other room, the car, the next state, just to get away? They all cross my mind. It's totally irrational and it makes me feel like a HORRIBLE person for wanting to get away from the man I love...

But I can't control it.

I don't *think* emetophobia is "contagious" any more than any other phobia. Most people have a mild to moderate aversion to sickness anyways, and are "grossed out" by it, and of course a mob mentality quickly breeds hysteria if one person starts freaking out. But the heart-stopping TERROR an emet feels, just watching that scene from Sixth Sense (you know... under the blanket... *shudder*), let alone being with a person being sick... I don't believe that's transmitable unless an actual trauma were to occur for the non-emet, with association to v*ing.

That said, losing your spouse over a bit of v* could be quite traumatizing indeed. :-(

With regard to a chronically ill person + an emet, you'd have to be very very careful. I believe there is ALWAYS a way to do something if you want it badly enough-- in this case, if BOTH of you want it badly enough. A few questions come to mind.

1. Is the illness relatively predictable? In other words, does the non-emet KNOW that at certain times during the night or day, or after eating certain foods, or taking certain medicines, he's going to be sick?

If it's possible to limit both triggers of sickness and contact with the emet during sickness, and to know ahead of time what is going to happen (and thereby have the most objective and practical approach to it), that may help.

2. Is the non-emet able to bear his condition with utmost respect and understanding for the emet? Not talking about v*ing, for example, not mentioning feeling sick, cleaning up after himself religiously...

Someone who's chronically ill, I would think, NEEDS somebody there who can take care of them when they aren't well enough to take care of themselves. We've heard story after story on this site of mothers who have to leave their sick children, for example-- they just can't handle it, maternal instincts notwithstanding. They bear HORRIBLE guilt because of that. So not only do you have to bear in mind the phobia itself, but also the guilt that goes with it when the emet physically CANNOT help the person they A) love dearly and B) know can't take care of themselves alone.

3. What sort of therapy is the couple open to?

Relationship counseling, phobia therapy, hypnosis-- depending on the nature of the disease, different homeopathic remedies... how far is the couple willing to go, to stay together through this?

I wish both of you every ounce of strength, compassion and patience in conquering this together. Keep us posted on how thi

[epphobe]

thank you
i'm surprised and relieved at the same time that i had such a fast response to my questions.
i do try my best not to mention the unmentionable around my girl but at times, i feel guilty if i'm not honest with her when i don't feel so well. my illness is very inconsistent. i will go for a while without feeling so sick and then bam, out of nowhere, it's back again. as much as i'd love for it to be predictable, it's not. as much as i'd love to stop feeling the way i do so that both of us don't have to suffer so much, i have no idea what to do about myself right now.
i have tried my best to limit the triggers of my illness and i will continue to try. i know we're both willing to do whatever we possibly can to get through this. i've made it clear to her that when we have kids, i will take care of them when they're sick and it's okay if she feels the need to leave for a little while until they're better.
at first i was mad at her but then i saw how she felt knowing that she's turned me away when i felt like i needed her. of course i forgive her, i don't fully understand, that's true but just like it hurts for the emet to not be able to be there for their loved ones when they're ill, it hurts for me to see the self loathing and guilt that comes with the fear hurt her.

[lyntess]

I just happened to be online at the same time. Others with far more experience and wisdom will be soon to follow, I'm sure, with more advice and support. This is an amazing site and the people here are genuinely helpful and understanding. :-)

I know it hurts to see someone you love hurting, and especially to feel like you helped cause that hurt in any way. The only time I've ever seen my husband cry was when he knew he'd made me feel bad. As much as she doesn't choose her fear, you don't choose your sickness-- or her reaction to it. *hug*

Can I ask what chronic illness you have? If you'd rather not share it, that's fine-- I'm just trying to understand your situation better.

Do you actual v* every time you feel sick? Do you usually know when you feel sick, whether you're going to have to v* or not? Things like that can help you decide whether to tell her (and make her increasingly nervous and panicky about it happening) or not. I'd VASTLY prefer it if my husband never even mentioned feeling iffy, when he knows he's not actually going to be sick. Even when he follows the "I don't feel very good." with "But I'm not going to t* u*!", it automatically sends me into a spiral of fear, anxiety, contempt, annoyance, back to fear.

If it helps at all with your feeling of abandonment, do know that if she didn't truly love you deeply, she wouldn't have stuck around for even one SECOND, with you chronically sick. The fact that you're both still trying to find a way to cope is evidence that you're strongly connected and in possession of great determination and respect for each other.

[epphobe]

i've been going through renal failure for quite a while, causing me to feel..uh not so great when it's a bad day. lately, it's been much better though. it is irreversible but it doesn't necessarily mean i won't survive lol i know many people suffer from this and many end up living normal lives if their treatment works well.
i also happen to have anxiety which i am medicated for and constant migraines (which might lead to vertigo... now that would be horrible).
i don't t* u* everytime i feel sick. like i said, it depends on the day, but i do know when i'm going to t* u* and i keep away from my girl when i am. it really doesn't matter if i'm not going to do it again for the rest of the day, if i did it once, i can forget about seeing her that day or for a couple days.

[lyntess]

"Not so great" indeed! I'm glad it's been better lately, but I'm sure it's still no fun at all. I could say all the "at least it's not ____"s, but I'm sure you've both heard and spoken them already. You've got a full plate, in any case, between your emotional and physical health... not to mention that of your sweetheart.

How long have the two of you been together? Long enough to talk about having children (as you mentioned in your previous post) but not long enough to live together? Or does she live with you, but still leave for a few days when you get sick?

Let's not even THINK about migraines and the v*ing they can bring. Blech. You poor thing!

Are there anti-emetics you can take that won't interfere with your other medications/conditions? Have you spoken with your doctor about the situation, both your discomfort and her extreme reactions?

[epphobe]

we've known each other for about 6 years, i can say that almost 3 years of those years we've spent as more than friends. we don't live together yet considering i have to stay at home with the parents because of health insurance issues. who knows what will happen? but most of the time i spend is with my girl although we don't live together.. we might as well live together. we are a young couple and we're dreamers so yes, we've discussed our future and how we would deal with certain situations to work around her fear. i try to be okay with her not being there when i'm under the weather but at the same time, i can't help the hurt that goes along with it. maybe it just takes some getting used to?
i had to have three doctors confirm that i'm not contagious in able for her to finally slightly calm down about it.
naturally, as someone with kidney problems, my doctors suggest i take a lot of fluids and keep away from medications such as ibuprofen that would further damage my kidneys. it does help me feel a little better but there are times when i feel like nothing can help me feel better. i'm still looking for natural anti-emetics because frankly, i don't trust medications much. they always have side-effects that just doesn't make sense or sit well with me.
as for migraines, i've been prescribed some medications but they react with my other medications causing my whole body to feel numb and making me incapable of merely standing up or sitting up because i can't move my body.

[lyntess]

The medication is a sticking point, no doubt about it. You said you were willing to to anything that's necessary to keep you two together... looking into anti-emetics could well be something that could save your relationship.

She can help you by helping you to drink fluids regularly, and help find creative and more palatable versions of "safe" liquids to make it easier for you to stay sloshed up. Giving her the task of coming up with alternative beverages may help take a lot of the anxiety away-- she's contributing to your treatment then, not just trembling as a helpless bystander just waiting for you to yack.

The two of you can look into natural medicines, holistic healing perhaps, different remedies if you're not cool with "modern" medicine. But do keep it in mind. Yes, pills come with side-effects... but is a bit of constipation or dry mouth worth the saving of your relationship? Try weighing it up that way.

I'm not trying to lecture, I'm speaking from the standpoint of an emet with a husband who hates taking medicine too. If he were as interested in finding other ways to keep healthy as he is in never taking a tablet, he'd be the very picture of vitality! Sigh. Silly men.

I guarantee, ONE week's worth of menstrual pain and you'd be diving for the Midol bottle, side-effects be damned. ;-)

[allypally.]

Hi epphobe,

Welcome to the site hun, and I have to TOTALLY echo what Lyntess has said to you, I have the upmost respect for you for joining this site in order to help your relationship and support your girlfriend. What an amazing person you are, she is a very lucky girl!! If only there were more guys like you!!! I think its just fantastic that youve taken this step, and im sure we will all try and give you any support or advice you need.
Lyntess has made some excellent points and given you some great advice, shes great isnt she??! [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

I love her idea about getting your girlfriend involved in finding new ways to help treat your illness. Im so sorry to hear that you have to suffer with this. I can only sympathize with what you have to go through, and especially being abandoned by your girlfriend. Im glad youve been a little better lately, but it must still be pretty rough for you. I hope you can find something to make you feel better. I can just imagine how guilty and awful this makes your girlfriend feel when she has to run away. I used to have a partner that had a condition that used to cause hm to v* randomly....nearly every day. And at first, I would literally run like a 10 year old girl!! lol. I was TERRIFIED!!! But once I accepted that it wasnt his fault, and I couldnt catch it, It got easier for me. I think maybe as time goes on, it could get easier for your girlfriend too. You guys sound so cute, im sure your relationship can survive this as long as you keep communicationg with each other.

Definately try peppermint gum or tea, or try some ginger ale maybe or ginger tea. Aparantly cinammon is also good for n* too. There are so many different types of therapy you can try to help you feel better, it might even be fun for you and your girl to try some new stuff together....like yoga, or acupuncture..etc etc, you get the picture!! lol.

I also echo that emet is NOT contagious and it also something that unfortuantely your poor girl cant control at all. Fear can bread fear. Like, when you see someone really scared or anxious, you can feel anxious or scared too. Reactions like that can spread so so quickly, especially amongst people we love. But you would not develop the phobia yourself unless you had a trauma that you yourself related to v*.Has she had any help or meds or therapy from anywhere to help her with this??

I want to tell you that it IS possible for an emet to have a relationship with someone who is really ill. My current partner has a stomach condition, and evn though it can sometimes freak me out and i can get scared (on a bad day), I love him so so so much, that I would never ever let him go. He means everything to me, and I cannot imagine my life without him in it. I am sure that your girl feels the same.

You are such an amazing guy, I just am so overwhelmed with admiration for you right now that I feel quite emotional!! (dont worry, im really soppy like that!! lol). Even the fact that youve talked about having children and reassured her you would take care of them. You really are a great guy, and I bet your parents are really proud of you. Youre a shining example to all men, and well done for having the balls to come on a forum like this and ask for help.

Please please feel free to ask anything at all, and we are ALL here for you ok??

Big (((hugs)))

Ally xxx