Hi all. I’m a fifteen year old girl. I could remember so vividly how those days were like when I was struggling with emetophobia. I understand that there are still thousands of people out there with the same trouble and problem, and I would like to share it with you, in hope of giving all of you out there courage to overcome it, because I, too, experienced the feeling of losing hope and the frustration of having to deal with it alone.

From I was six years old onwards, I couldn’t remember a single day where I wasn’t affected by simply a five lettered word “vomit”. Like most phobias, it all probably started with a traumatic incident that stays etched in my mind, traumatizing and affecting me so much that I start to suffer from emetophobia.

I remember vomiting in class when I was six, with the entire class looking at me like a freak, avoiding me, and the teacher hurling mean and hurtful words at me. It was bad enough that I had to throw up, and to make the matter worse, the teacher started to accuse me and told everyone in the class how I was ‘stubborn, stupid, dirty’. Instead of getting someone to help me, or clean me up, or anything as nice as saying comforting words to me, the teacher shouted across the room “Everyone, see how dirty and disgusting she is? GO TO THE TOILET AND VOMIT! Don’t vomit here, it’s disgusting! Why are you so stubborn? Everyone, isn’t see the most stubborn person you can find? Someone tell her to go to the toilet!” And then everyone starts to shout at me, and the cleaner starts to scold me for vomiting.
Even till now, the image of me being ostracized, scolded and accused just because I threw up still gives me the creeps. It was probably since then that the thought of throwing up starts to give me a huge panic attack. I don’t remember any time since then that I could eat like a normal person, behave like a normal person, and think like a sane person.

Ever since that incident, I remember myself practically starving to death, not being able to eat, and doing a list of weird rituals which I though could save me from any risks of throwing up.

I would first feel starved, and then when I look at the food, I grow sick. I feel that I would vomit if I ate the food, and start to have another panic attack. It happened over and over at each meal, every single day. And because of that, my parents spent thousands of dollars bringing me to hospitals all over the world just to find out what was wrong with me. And, I seriously mean, all over the world. They would feed me from things like medicine that cures gastric, tablets and pills that aids digestion and stuff, to chinese herbal medicine and other s***s. It was just insane. Even though I didn’t know that the root of my problem was emetophobia, I knew clearly deep down that what my parents were doing were not of any help at all.

I remember having weird behaviours. Like, I wouldn’t look into pails, plastic bags, toilet bowls or even sinks. I wouldn’t brush my teeth with toothpaste. I feel uncomfortable licking my lips. I look for the expiry date of whatever food I eat, I check for raw meat in things I might consume, I check up the internet for ways to avoid food poisoning. And I remember that even though I wanted to check on the internet how I should avoid vomiting, I couldn’t, because I was scared of typing the word in the search engine. I wouldn’t watch any TV shows that might have the slightest link to vomiting scenes. I get panic attacks sitting on buses, cars, trains, airplanes, boats or any form of transportation, feeling that I get car sick, air sick etc. even though I didn’t feel the slightest bit dizzy. There are a million weird behaviors that I had all those times, and I seriously felt like a freak.

From my own feelings, experiences, and TV documentaries that I watched, I knew that I had OCD, depression, and I knew I was scared of vomiting. I knew myself better than anyone else, and I know that there was something wrong with me. After many years, I eventually looked