I’ve decided...

[xmdslatx]

To quit this myself the best I can.

Today I felt TERRIBLE stomach cramping and my mind started racing..what if it's noro virus? i was so sure to wash my hands like a maniac.

what if something in my body is failing? what if i will have to go to the hospital?

I ended up having a bout of semi d* and everything was fine afterwards.

My mind is programed to think the worse Its pathetic.I programed it to be this paranoid miniature freak.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of going to bed at night with anxiety that I might wake up sick and not have a comfortable nights rest.

Im sick of avoiding friends and social events because of what *might* happen.

I'm sick of people in my life not knowing how I feel and why I feel the way I do about certain things.

I'm sick of not being able to go places with friends or family in fear that I might v* or have a case of d*.

I'm tired of the anxiety psychically making me nauseas alll the time.

I'm tired of my declining health because I am not eating properly in fear that I might get a food born illness.

I'm sick of the fact that I actually didn't want children because of the fear of noro virus when that is all I want for my life..it's been my dream since as long as I can remember.

I'm sick of the fact that I don't even know if I want to get married in fear that the guy I marry could not be clean and infect me.

It is driving me crazy.Literally.Sometimes I wish I could just leave it all behind and just die.

I want to live..I want to live a NORMAL life.It has been nothing but s*** for as long as I can remember..every single aspect of it has been crap.

I know that I cannot change everything in my life..but this disorder has seriously affected it.


Life is short..my youth is wasting away in my room on this computer while every other young person is having the time of their life.I've always wanted to be of age so I could hang out with friends at night and just have freedom to go places.Now that it is here...I am not doing anything with it and I want it more than ever.


I've decided that I am going to try my hardest to get out there and do things.It is going to be hard and it sure is going to suck at first..but hopefully if I force myself my body and mind will get used to it and become less phobic and nauseas.

I may never be able to eat at a fast food restaurant again, and I may never be able to ride a roller coaster but at least I can make it as best as I can.I am going to attempt to do this without a doctor and I will not take medication.I don't want to live my life based off of a psychiatrist and prescriptions.

I am pretty sure a doctor will not be able to help me anyways as I have done a crap load of coping exercises and I know where this comes from.Hopefully I can make it happen..and if I can.Anybody can.If I can't then I mine as well be dead because this life that I am living is useless.

I won't let that happen so I have no other choice to make it work!I am going to start getting social little by little..like going to the mall with my friends on a none crowded day and then work up to a crowded day..maybe even a road trip in the future (one of my dreams) and hopefully some day I will be able to visit Europe (another dream)

I am going to save money up to do hypnosis and see if that works.


One of my main obstacles is food.I used to eat because i enjoyed the taste.Now I only eat to survive.I don't eat that much and whatever I do eat is not healthy so I have to take vitamins and such.I cannot eat at restaurants or eat fruits and veggies from the store.Every time i eat food thats from a restaurant I get over whelming anxiety.I don't think this will change much.I don't want to have that feeling every time I eat because it will not be worth it!



So..that is my plan and that

[kyle1989]

[QUOTE=xmdslatx] To quit this myself the best I can.

Today I felt TERRIBLE stomach cramping and my mind started racing..what if it's noro virus? i was so sure to wash my hands like a maniac.

what if something in my body is failing? what if i will have to go to the hospital?

I ended up having a bout of semi d* and everything was fine afterwards.

My mind is programed to think the worse Its pathetic.I programed it to be this paranoid miniature freak.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of going to bed at night with anxiety that I might wake up sick and not have a comfortable nights rest.

Im sick of avoiding friends and social events because of what *might* happen.

I'm sick of people in my life not knowing how I feel and why I feel the way I do about certain things.

I'm sick of not being able to go places with friends or family in fear that I might v* or have a case of d*.

I'm tired of the anxiety psychically making me nauseas alll the time.

I'm tired of my declining health because I am not eating properly in fear that I might get a food born illness.

I'm sick of the fact that I actually didn't want children because of the fear of noro virus when that is all I want for my life..it's been my dream since as long as I can remember.

I'm sick of the fact that I don't even know if I want to get married in fear that the guy I marry could not be clean and infect me.

It is driving me crazy.Literally.Sometimes I wish I could just leave it all behind and just die.

I want to live..I want to live a NORMAL life.It has been nothing but s*** for as long as I can remember..every single aspect of it has been crap.

I know that I cannot change everything in my life..but this disorder has seriously affected it.


Life is short..my youth is wasting away in my room on this computer while every other young person is having the time of their life.I've always wanted to be of age so I could hang out with friends at night and just have freedom to go places.Now that it is here...I am not doing anything with it and I want it more than ever.


I've decided that I am going to try my hardest to get out there and do things.It is going to be hard and it sure is going to suck at first..but hopefully if I force myself my body and mind will get used to it and become less phobic and nauseas.

I may never be able to eat at a fast food restaurant again, and I may never be able to ride a roller coaster but at least I can make it as best as I can.I am going to attempt to do this without a doctor and I will not take medication.I don't want to live my life based off of a psychiatrist and prescriptions.

I am pretty sure a doctor will not be able to help me anyways as I have done a crap load of coping exercises and I know where this comes from.Hopefully I can make it happen..and if I can.Anybody can.If I can't then I mine as well be dead because this life that I am living is useless.

I won't let that happen so I have no other choice to make it work!I am going to start getting social little by little..like going to the mall with my friends on a none crowded day and then work up to a crowded day..maybe even a road trip in the future (one of my dreams) and hopefully some day I will be able to visit Europe (another dream)

I am going to save money up to do hypnosis and see if that works.


One of my main obstacles is food.I used to eat because i enjoyed the taste.Now I only eat to survive.I don't eat that much and whatever I do eat is not healthy so I have to take vitamins and such.I cannot eat at restaurants or eat fruits and veggies from the store.Every time i eat food thats from a restaurant I get over whelming anxiety.I don't think this will change much.I don't want to have that feeling every time I eat because it will not be worth it!



So..that is

[kendall]

oh god you sacred me i thought you were going to say something like
self distructive or something


but good plan!!

[xmdslatx]

lol @ kendall, nah.

Well...the first night kinda sucked.I woke up a few times nauseas from dreams but not anything too serious.

Today I went to the store a little ways away from home (couldn't do it the last few times because I got myself worked up) and I was perfectly fine.No nausea or anything.

Later I ate something that didn't really agree with me and I had a bit of a stomachache but didn't panic and it shortly went away.

I've caught my brain wondering throughout the day..such a crappy habit that I cannot seem to break.For example, I seen a commercial for a buffet and I was like how can those people eat there! ew!

all in all..all went well and hopefully I can defeat my brain.

[psykokat]

Hi, there. I just wanted to mention....it sounds from your post like you still live at home... I was really bad like this when I lived at home as well. When I moved out, I gradually improved quite a bit...something about control, I guess, and your psyche realizing you DO have some control. I would say I am about 50% better, and that sure helps!

I applaud what you are doing (I am as well). Emet exists in your mind, and I definitely believe that your mind can conquer it too.

Good luck to all who are on this journey!Edited by: psykokat