my story(very long, graphic)

[kspappas]

I've never told anyone my story, so i've decided to say it on here so that I can get it out. I'm sorry it is SO LONG, but i've refrained from talking about it for my whole life, I hope you guys will understand


It all started when I was six years old and came down with an awful case of what I believe was food poisening. My whole family had gone to a late lunch at a local restaurant and I had a burger and fries. I dont remember much except that on the way home we stopped at the video store and picked up Edward Scissorhands to watch when we got home. Part of the way through the movie I began to feel very ill, and went upstairs to lay down. An hour or so later I became extremely sick (I was deathly afraid of that movie ever since, thinking in my childishness that it somehow contributed to my being sick). I distinctly recall my Dad coming upstairs to find that I had t* u* on my bedroom floor, and then again on my way to the bathroom. I was sick the whole night, my Mom took care of me the entire time. She let me lay in her bed (bless her heart) and walked me to the bathroom every time I had to do you know what. I remember asking her to please make it stop, and feeling extremely frightened and powerless, like it was never going to end and I would be stuck in my misery forever. I think that was when I realized that parents don't have a solution for everything, and for this there was nothing anyone could do to make me better. I didn't sleep for months afterward, thinking that I would get sick again. My mom would get angry and frustrated with me. I remember once late at night she caught me sitting up with my bedroom light on and she immediately left the room and came back with a bucket, set it next to me, turned out the light, and told me to go to sleep.She wasn't terribly mean, but I don't think she understood just how deeply it had affected me.
I was always embarrased to say why I was afraid, or even what I was afraid of. I hid it from everyone as I grew up, and there were periods of my childhood where it was not that bad, and I actually lived in some semblance of normalcy. I still got sick periodically, but it never was as bad as that first time. I found that I could hide my fear pretty well unless I was watching a movie, and I would flinch and run from the room if a v* scene came on. My brothers and sister would tease me every time, and when we watched movies we'd seen before they would predict when i'd leave the room. There was even one time when I was 11 years old that my older sister and little brother conspired together to trick me into thinking my brother was sick. He said he had a stomache ache and then ran into the kitchen and pretended to t* u* into the kitchen sink. I ran out of the house and into the woods and did not come back for atleast an hour. When I finally returned they were laughing like they were so clever that they tricked me. I used to beg my sister to let me sleep in her room because I thought, in the unrational way of a child phobic, that if I changed my surroundings I would not get sick. This makes no sense, but I honestly felt safer if I did not sleep in my own bed.
I went for many years without getting sick and so my phobia actually receded quite a bit, and it no longer controlled my thoughts at night. Until I got sick again at the age of 17. It was January 30th, 2004, a few days before my birthday. And it all came back with more gusto than ever before. It didn't start controlling my life until about 2 1/2 years ago when I started getting nauseaus every time I ate, especially at night. I started cutting my portions at meal times and lost almost ten pounds from my highschool weight. When it got really bad I started getting really nauseaus late at night and it would get progressively worse until I was sure I was going to t* u*. I would shake and sweat and my mouth would water-all the signs that I was going to do it, but I never did. Finally the sun would sta

[abbi]

Hi Kristin. I'm new to the site too, though not to the phobia. A lot of what you said reminded me of myself. Anyways, welcome, everybody here is very nice. [img]smileys/smilies_13.gif[/img] Edited by: abbi

[susie_q]

Hi Kristin,
I read your entire story and it made me feel so bad that you have gone through so much. Especially, the fact that you have lived in this fear alone, for so long. I am glad you found out this is a real fear and you are not the only one. I hope you will show your doctor and he/she can direct to the right place for help. Just be honest with all of your feelings and never feel embarrassed. I think that is key to getting the help you need. If you are not comfortable with the person that is trying to treat you, tell them up front, what you don't like, and if they cannot accept your feelings, then I would try to find somebody else. Also, take the stuff you printed out to your doctor.

Good luck and welcome to the site.

[kspappas]

thanks so much for your replies! It really is helpful to feel like you can tell people on here about it and they completely understand and can relate. It still amazes me!