phobia causing marriage problem

[tinydancer75]

hi i am really suffering at the moment. my husband is the nicest kindest,most loving man i could ever ask for. we have been together for 16yrs, since we were both 16yrs old! we are married 2yrs and have 2 daughters (2 and 6). my phobia has been around for as long as i can remember, and is very severe. so this wk anyway my husband and i decided we would go to the new bar/resturaunt that has opened in our area recently this sat night. we hardly ever go out (finance, kids!) so this was a treat! anyway, my husband goes for a few pints every mth or so with a buddy of his and was due to go out last wk but buddy's child was ill so they arranged to go on last fri night instead. so off they go have few pints (i dont like it but he needs his time out too!), maybe 4 or 5, the usual. he comes in at around 1am not drunk ( again normal) . gets in beside me and off to sleep, only to wake around 3am, stagger to loo and v*.as most sufferers will know this causes me great distress, i lie in bed tossing,turning,blocking ears, shaking etc. he returns to bed and returns to sleep! while i lie there wide awake shaking, sweating feeling queasy,tossing turning etc. so morning comes(and im still awake!), kids wake and play for while then come in to drag me out for breakfast, (we have policy that we all go for breakfast together at wkends) but im so furious with him, i get up alone and take kids down for breakfast at around 9am. i stomp around trying to distract myself,afraid to eat anything. then at around 11am i sent him a text to say,long text short ,but basically that im very angry....and im not going out tonight and that ive cancelled babysitter!. he gets up not long after this is sent and im afraid to even look at him, after a while he tries to explain that he doesnt know what happened, bad pint maybe. obviously this makes no difference to me, it doesnt change the situation. we spend the rest of the day kinda civil with one another, him joking, me adamant im not going out etc. he buys me roses trying to make it up and although they were beautiful i am still furious with him. it gets to around 5 or 6 o'clock and he thinks maybe he has sweetened me and we can now go out as planned. but ive stated my case, cancelled babysitter and made my decision. we spend rest of night with me in front room and him in bedroom, both watching telly! today is no different, we talk but its not fixing the situation (he is mad at me for not going out last night and i am mad at him for v*!) am i normal please help me as i dont know how to fix this? my phobia is the problem, i know that but how can i not feel this way? i love my husband dearly and cant change what has happened but cant find the words to explain it to him either. please help me sort this out quickly [img]smileys/smilies_16.gif[/img]

[ontariogirl]

You are mad at your husband because he puked and he is mad at you because you cancelled the babysitter and not going out.
He bought you roses to basically say that he is sorry.
Does he know about your phobia? Does he know how your phobia can go to the extreme?
I would sit down and talk to him tell him why you are angry with him, you have been together for a lot of years, be open with him tell him how you feel.

[tinydancer75]

obviously he knows about it! he thinks im crazy for allowing it take over me. he doesnt have it so cant understand how something so small( in his mind!) can have such a huge effect on me.

[ontariogirl]

we all know that you are not crazy and its is hard for people to fully understand what people go through with ths phobia. Although i am over this phobia, i tried to explain how this phobia took control on me, everyday living, i guess all you can do is try your best , of course he wont understand completly but he can try to support you when the phobia is controlling you. I dont know what else to tell you.

[socitycourty]

You shouldn't really be angry with your husband because he v*ed. It's a bodily function that not everyone is afraid of.

I'm talking from experience. My husband t/up a lot because he has an easy v* reflex. I have just learned to deal with it. I usually just ask him if he's ok, does he think he has a bug, whatever. Then I deal with it. I get anxious but as long as you wash your hands, clean your bathroom, etc., you're doing the best you can and probably wouldn't get sick anyway.

It's not worth having marriage problems over. Have you been to therapy? I've been going and it helps.

[tinydancer75]

thanks for replies. today im a bit calmer and able to deal with things rationally again. this phobia takes over me and its very hard to deal with. as of yet i havent 'gone near' my husband. we are talking which is a good thing but he blames me and i blame him! i get what the others are trying to say but its just so hard to see past the v*. no i have never had any therapy, and ive never admitted to my dr that i have this either.my husband has said that as it was him who was sick and not me then what was i panicking over........obviously he doesnt understand this bloody phobia!!!!! [img]smileys/smilies_21.gif[/img]i can never ever see myself 'cured' of this and honestly dont think i could shake my fears. its one thing to admit you have it but another story to deal with it. ive only just become aware that what i think im having are panic attacks. could someone answer this for me?? its escalated over the yrs . i sweat,block ears,run a mile,cry,shake uncontrolably, avoid anything associated with the 'event'. thanks

[xmdslatx]

I can understand why you would be mad..but he really cannot help it especially if its never happened before when he drinks.(I would be pissed if he purposely drank and then v* knowing it was coming)

I think that you two need to talk things out.If he is going to be drinking or feels s*, then maybe he can go sleep on the couch and v* in another bathroom instead of freaking you out about it in yours.

Good luck

[sootywillow]

Years ago I remember my husband uncharacteristically getting really
drunk and coming home from work having v*ted over his shoes and tie. I
was soooo disgusted and angry with him. At the time it felt worse than if
he had committed adultery. He knew about my phobia and that I would
be really upset if he was s* and, despite not being a big drinker, he
suddenly went too far. I didn't speak to him for days as I felt so let down
even though I knew that was unfair as so many people get drunk all the
time and this was his first offence.
Here though your husband didn't go too far and you said he wasn't drunk
when he came home so the v* was due to something else so it wasn't
really his fault as others have said. I agree that it would be easier for you
if you asked he if he could sleep somewhere else if he is ill. Living with
people is difficult at times like this and I live in hope of ever being able to
afford a house with a bathroom out of earshot.

[tinydancer75]

thank you sootywillow. ya it drives me mad as we only have one bathroom! as ive said before my husband is a lovely, caring man and we have been together for yrs, but what gets to me is that he wont acknowledge the fact that it caused me great distress and the fact that it wasn't me makes no difference, infact it only heightens my phobia all the more. we are best of friends and i love him to pieces, so i have eventually forgiven( if thats the right word to use) him. but i have to admit everytime i pass the bar he was in, it sends awful thoughts through my head [img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img] association is the worst form of this phobia!!

[kristylee86]

hehe this reminds me of me and my husband.. when he has had a few too drink and when he is drunk and he v* hehe at the moment we still live my parents until our tenants move out of our house so when he does more than once and i cant handle being in the same bed as him i go sleep in my mums bed if dads still in the lounge...

Even the next day i dont like kissing him or getting to close to him because yeah he v*ed i know when its alcohol induced i cant catch it but it doesnt help my anxiety anyways... he used to get really s***ty with me for it and we'd always have arguments the day after etc but since i have been to a phsycologist (which was also a big drama with hubby too) and telling him how much of a problem it is for me with this phobia he is actually really understanding now, i always ask him how he feels everytime he comes back from the loo etc and now in the mornings he actually asks me how i'm feeling...

It has taken a while but its better now, so i guess what i'm saying is that if you can talk to your husband and get him to know exactly how it makes you feel etc ... he may think you're stupid at first but eventually he will get it....


I've already laid down the ground rules for when we move into our house that if my hubby is drunk and sick or ever sick then he has to go to the other toilet on the other side of the house and not in the ensuite cos i cant stand the sound! and hes not a quiet one either!! good luck

[keyda81]

If my husband plans on drinking, he can also plan to stay where ever he is! He is very loud. He also has acid reflux, and if he forgets to take his pills for a few days it will make him sick in the middle of the night. We've been together for nine years, and he's never had a stomach bug, it's either been from bad food, or the acid. He knows about my phobia, but still argues with me time to time about having people over for a few drinks. I simply don't allow it. One because of the phobia, and two I grew up around drinking, both my parents are alcoholics. So in the event of people drinking around me it just brings back bad memories. He understands this now, as he has seen both my parents drunk, and he knows I can't handle it. He doesn't fully understand the phobia, but he is tolerant of it.