A request for advice from Sage, or anyone

[x hannah x]

I don't know if many of you recognise my name anymore, I haven't spent a lot of time on IES recently, but I've been a member since this new site first started up and I always found it really helpful when I was at my worst.

I find everyone's stories of recovery so inspiring, I am constantly amazed to hear from people who had hit rock bottom but still managed to bring themselves back up to normal life.

I thought I had a recovery story too. I decided against entering it officially in to the success stories section because it felt like jinxing it, but I did mention it elsewhere. I'd been getting better and better at dealing with my phobia over about 6 months, it was a real case of "feel the fear and do it anyway" but I was coping. Then in September I went to a friends 18th party, drank too much, and vomited several times for the first time in about 11 years.

It was an unpleasant experience but it came at just the right time, and it helped me put everything in to perspective. I found that when I was watching vomit scenes on tv, I wasn't just breathing through the panic, I simply wasn't feeling it in the same way anymore. Sudden moments would give me a little adrenaline shot still, but I more or less didn't notice.

For nearly 4 months I enjoyed watching new films without having to ask around about vomit scenes, and going on nights out without worrying who was drinking too much and who wasn't.

When I started university in late September I felt like I was ready for anything, and for a long time it was great. I was in a flat where drinking was a big thing, and I dealt fine with having a room next to the bathroom and hearing a lot of things I didn't want to. I never quite managed to be there for anyone to hold their hair back. I think I would have if I'd needed to, but as it was there was always someone else there to help, and as soon as I was sure that was the case I would slip out of the room, but it was never a case of panic and running away.

But now I'm getting scared.

Because in the past couple of weeks or so, its got a lot worse. I can't pinpoint when it happened, I just know that it has. I was watching a film with my housemates, and I knew there was a vomit scene coming up. I was really shocked to feel that I was panicking about it for the first time in months. I tried to sit there and wait it out, but I just couldn't and I had to leave.

There have been a few other incidents like that, and then yesterday everything came to a head. Firstly I heard a man at the bus stop over-coughing, and I jumped out of my skin, it made me anxious for the whole time I was there, and the bus journey after, despite the fact that he was not on it.

Then I got back home and started trying to read, when I heard my housemates boyfriend vomiting in the toilet next door (he has the flu and he'd coughed too much) and I started hyperventilating and grabbed for my earphones to blast some music.

Later that evening I had dinner, and I thought the chicken looked a little pale so I threw it away, and later that night I had a twinge in my stomach that induced the first real panic attack I'd had in months.

I'm absolutely furious with myself. I thought this f*cker was gone. I need advice about how to stop this, I don't know if theres a way to nip this in the bud but I need it gone. I can't go back to being scared all the time, I won't.

I had a normal life for a few weeks, I want it back.

[use2bfat]

Awwwwwwww...that just sucks!! I so know what you mean. I have been there..and have been there recently. My phobia comes and goes with the levels of anxiety I am experiencing. I take meds to prevent panic attacks but I still have anxiety from time to time. It could be you are starting back in school or there is a lot of unknown going on in your life right now...so you feel less in control of certain things...making you hypersensitive to emet? NOt to mention you have heard and witnessed Ving...I don't know what you do to reduce anxiety but if you can get a grip on some of the other things making you tense..the emet will get under control...(that is my educated guess from experience)...I know its VERY frustrating

Take care
steph

[stella9]

xhannahx --

I think many of us have been where you are. We feel like we are making progress and then we backslide. Aside from Sage, who is amazing in recovering from this, I think many of us will have a long battle with this. I equate our anxiety to a drinker, gambler or someone who struggles with weight. While I hate being an emet, I also feel glad that I am don't struggle with other problems. That said, emet is my demon and I try to navigate around it as best I can.

I have found that trying to "fight it" creates more anxiety for me. I recognize that my problem is with v** and try to best live within the scope of my phobia. If the phobia would alter my life to the point that I would become agoraphobic or something then I would seek treatment because I would then recognize that the problem would go beyong the emet.

Be kind to yourself -- is all the suggestion I can make. We are in the middle of sv season and this year seems to be a bad one ----- everywhere. More than likely, by April, you will begin to settle down a bit. I think everyone here has their emet a bit heightened right now as we hear of it everywhere, our kids are being exposed as it ravages schools and they are bringing it home. Try to look at it this way (if possible) we are halfway through sv season.

Stella

[sage]

Hi Hannah! It's good to hear from you, and good to know you are doing much better. Please don't fret over this little set-back right now...it's very normal.

I think what happened was that while your anxiety may have been up for whatever reason, you chose to leave the room during that tv show rather than wait, breathe through the panic, and calm yourself down. Once we avoid, even once, it's a guarantee that the phobia will rear it's ugly head. But it need not be a demon. It's quite easily reversible. You just have to "tell it" to f-off (so to speak).

Seriously, all you need to do is to go to my website ( www.emetophobia.bravehost.com and look through the pictures, one at a time. Use all the good techniques you've learned and YOU CAN DO IT! I believe in you Hannah!

At the end of the pictures, go rent yourself the movie "Monster's Ball". The vomit scene is right at the beginning, and it's SOUND ONLY. Play it over and over until you can do it. Then watch some more and you'll see one with visual...but it's not that bad.

Then youtube "vomit"! (Trust me, all vomiting scenes are the same...once you've seen one, you've seen 'em all). Start with the sound off. Then work your way through it.

This will get you back to the "normal life" you had before. And then, my sweet Hannah....NEVER avoid anything again! Man, I have to tell MYSELF that a lot still. Cuz as soon as I do...I'm DOOMED ... to have fear in my heart again.

PM me if there's anything specific you want to ask, and let me know via PM how it goes.

Blessings!

[x hannah x]

Thanks for your replies everyone, and thanks Sage for spotting your name in the dozens of posts that get started every day

All the exposure stuff you just described is exactly what I did after I first vomited. I had it in my head that this was a very short window of time I had before I'd snap back to how things had been before, and I wanted to try and extend it as much as possible while my tolerance was so high. So I can understand it would be equally helpful, if much harder now.

I agree with you about not avoiding things, I hated myself for doing that, and I'm really going to work on it. Will keep you updated

Use2befat and stella, its good to know that you both understand and that there are people in the same boat as me. It means a lot.

[sage]

Good stuff, Hannah - don't forget you're doing really well! And much like re-starting exercise after a long break, you're never going back to square one. You only need a little update is all.

Take care!