Why does it keep returning?

[bangzoom]

I have had several experiences with emetophobia throughout my life. The earliest age I remember being scared of V***ting was age 6. I have recently found out from my mother more things that may have lead up to this phobia for me. Here are things I know about my past:

1. At age 15 months, I would not eat anything for dinner. I kept telling my mom my belly hurt. She gave me a bath and tried to comfort me. ***WARNING: GRAPHIC!*** She was sitting with me in my bedroom and I had projectile v****ing. My father reacted in a very negative way saying how terrible and disgusting it was. She told him to get out of the room with that attitude.

2. At age 4 (I just found this one out yesterday), I had such horrible stomach pains that my mother said I was literally rolling on the livingroom floor in pain asking to make it stop. She held me in her arms while I cried. She took me to the doctor who checked me for appendicitis. It turned out to be "nothing".

3. First one I remember vividly...At age 6, the day before I had school pictures, I v****ed suddenly in the morning just before I was going to leave for school. Scared me.

4. At age 8, I had terrible stomach pains constantly. The doctor diagnosed me with food allergies, had me avoid 5 different foods (eggs, fish, nuts, chocolate, juices...all of which I can eat now without a problem). And he gave me Donnatal. My tummy got much better. Before it got better, I would tell my mother I was scared I would throwup. She told me not to worry or be frightened because it is just "nature's way of cleaning out your belly".

5. At age 9, I had a couple of v****ing bouts in the middle of the night, most likely stomach viruses. Hated it!!

6. At age 11, I went to dinner with a friend and her family. A few hours later my stomach began to hurt. I was sleeping over her house. Her mom told me I probably would not throwup (I was worried and had told her I was scared I would). I did anyway, but then I felt MUCH better and was relieved. The anticipation was MUCH WORSE than the actual act.

7. I went 11 more years without a single v***t, including going away to college. Went to a friend's party, came home and had the worst stomachache. V****ed a little bit, felt a little better and felt like I was not scared at all anymore. Started to feel horrible again, v****ed A LOT, then felt WONDERFUL, elated, happy, invigorated, better than ever before, like I was finally cured of this *stupid* fear that "no one else had or understood". To awake the next day, again thinking I was no longer afraid of this. By one week later I was afraid again. Avoided shrimp for a long time because of it (it was what I had eaten that night), and anything else associated with that night, including wine (for a while, didn't last too long), never wore that shirt again, waited years until I would reapply my lipstick after eating at a party or restaurant (this one is my favorite), made sure to at least taste dessert at every party I went to, as I did not touch the cake that night and then ended up v****ing. Of course NONE of these things had any logic, as most of my behavior associated with this phobia.

8. At age 22, about 6 months after what I wrote above occurred, was having constant stomach problems and was finally diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). The doctor told me that was my stomach trouble all along, even the time I remembered when I was 8 years old and had to take Donnatal. He said it was very common in the '80s for kids to be diagnosed with food allergies because of the symptoms I was having, and they know much more now and it is actually IBS. I was thrilled to finally have a diagnosis for my stomach pain.

9. At age 23, got engaged. Panicked at the thought of having children...morning sickness possibilities, children getting sick, etc. Did NOT stop me from getting married.

10. Also age 23, finally decided to take myself to a therapist to get help. O

[polkadots_008]

Its great that youve been able to get some type of therapy ~ I really need to work up the courage to do that. I go through the same type of cycle that you do. Whenever I v* I feel so empowered afterwards and realize how "nothing" it was, but then soon enough afterwards, I am back to freaking myself out and doing all of my old habits. Im sorry I dont really have an answer as to why it keeps returning, but sometimes its good to know that you arent alone.

[paulinek]

I think it's quite common for it go like that in cycles of good and bad, just through personal experience and from what i've read on here on other threads.

I used to be virtually housebound by it but now live what i think is a fairly nornal life, i'm still obsessive with hand washing, antibacterial/viral cleaning sprays and food preparation etc but I've got a job and can go out for meals and socialise to an extent.

The only two triggers I can identify for it getting worse are stress (like when my grandma died about 18 months ago i had to have a stiff drink and use rescue remedy spray and pastilles just to get to the funeral, which was in the morning, as i was panicking so much about having to sit through the hour long service because I had to be on the front row so couldn't sit near the door like i nornally would) and if I feel i've been exposed to an *sv or hear of one going around.

You definitely are not alone in feeling like this, and when people around you seem to be dropping like flies with an *sv it's hard not to panic.