My Story

[pierschrisian]

Hello all, my name is Piers. I am 22 years old and from Surrey (just outside London). In 2007 I had a norwalk like virus. I lost nearly 10 stone over 3 months due to being scared (I was previously 22 stone). It was totally horrible.

After a couple of weeks I was mentally ok, that lasted for about 3 months until I was attacked by dogs. When I say attacked, i mean being dragged 20 meters by my leg by a dog the size of a horse, then being thrown around for good measure and having to go to A&E for treatment.

Anyway, after this I started to get worried about the virus from 2007, I researched, Google'd, used Yahoo Answer's and then got more worried. I have a history of bipolar disorder so went to see my doctor. She just gave me some more pills and said try that. I hate pills.

I then started using industrial grade Alcohol Hand Cleaner from a cleaning warehouse, I was using about a litre a week. My hands soon became raw, this is when I learnt about gloves...

For the last year and a bit I have been using appoximately a box (100 gloves) per day. I use gloves for everything, from going to the toilet, smoking, walking, in the house, out the house, sleeping, showering, EVERYTHING. I have never trusted soap, and when I learnt about how it works I stopped using it (using only alcohol hand wash instead). I am currently recieving CBT which is very hard but im trying. They have diagnosed me with Severe OCD.

I have always been a very logical and sensible person, this is so scary and I just want to die sometimes. I have a points system, sort of like a risk factor for everything I do.

I do breathing exercises when I can and listen to relaxation tapes.

Today I had diarrhea (not sure why). This made go from being totally calm to being shakey, sweaty, very nauseas and wanting to die. I drank a bottle of pepto and took a sleeping pill, hoping it would calm me down. I then went to sleep for 7 hours and woke up a couple of hours ago.

Anytime I get prescribed meds I check in depth the internet and labels for side effects, if it mentions vomitting then I wont take them.

I have gone from being a popular, succesful, life of the party (not that i like parties), outgoing person to being incredibly depressed, miserable, jobless, anxious person and i really hate it.

I have had IBS for years, and ulcers and already take loads of medication for those, the fear just makes life...well....crap!

Anyway, My name is Piers, im 22 and its nice to meet you all.

[pierschrisian]

Forgot to add, after exercising yesterday my we went to the pub (I only drink bottled water and insist that I open the bottle, i do this very carefuly making sure that I dont touch the drinking part of the bottle). When we got there we were standing outside and he threw up, I instantly ran away and shielded myself behind one of those bus stop enclosures. I waited there until he said he felt fine, I then walked home and tried to be calm, I called him to make sure he was ok and he said he was fine and he is fine now. He just put it down to having a very big, fatty, greasy lunch about 30 mins before exercise (which makes sense) and the fact he hasnt done any proper exercise for months.

Also I forgot to say that becuase of the fear, I only eat prepackaged supermarket ready meals. I unload the dishwasher, making sure that only I touch the head (prongs) of the forks and have my own glass and plates.

[pierschrisian]

Also forgot to add (is there an edit button?) that I use bleech to clean myself sometimes

[kelley]

Hello Piers! I am so sorry for how this is affecting your life. I think
you will find great sympathy here as all of us cope with this often
debilitating fear in different ways.

I have suffered from this for quite some time. But usually it only
manifests itself if one of my kids are sick (which sends me into panic
mode). Although I do, at times, panic at work when I am confronted
with the seemingly endless stories and graphic details of other
peoples illnesses (why is it necessary to describe being sick???).

Please be careful with the alcohol cleaners. They can be very
irritating to your skin (especially if they are already cracked and
bleeding). Washing your hands with soap is still a VERY effective
way of preventing illness, but I can understand your distrust. It is
hard to know what to believe.

Hopefully you will find some relief (at least emotionally) here!

[tink]

Hi Piers, and welcome to the forum! It breaks my heart to read your story. But know that you will get the support you need here, because we really understand what you are going through. We have people dealing with all levels of the phobia here, I used to be pretty bad, but I have gotten better over the years. It is a difficult thing to train your mind to think a different way than you are used to. Sounds like you are trying to get help, and that is a great start! I have to mention that i thought the way you reacted to your friend getting sick seemed brave to me. I would have started running and not stopped!

--Kim

[pierschrisian]

Thank you both for your kind, warming replies. They made me smile.

My family think its a joke, my friends (ones i have left) sort of understand but just think its stupid and even my doctor said 'its irrational, get over it'.

I have spent hours on this forum reading and everyone seems so friendly and supportive. I have also managed to read a few articles poeple have spoken about.

[pierschrisian]

Forgot more info lol. I also discovered that I have a half sister, brother and neice which I knew nothing about. I spoke to my sister for a bit then since then have been very anxious and not managed to talk to here again.

[dipbomb]

hey piers. welcome! you are so NOT alone here, we all understand the anxiety, depression and hopelessness that derives from this phobia. i'm glad you found us. i'm always here to talk so any time you want to private message me feel free [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[kellybeth]

Piers,
Your story is so sad. I can't imagine the hell you must go thru on a daily basis. I have emet and panic/anxiety but I do not suffer from OCD. I hope you feel welcome here. I look forward to hearing more from you.

[paulinek]

Hi piers, I read your other post first (the title sort of grabbed my attention ha ha!) and only just remembered to look at this one.

yes I agree with the others, this is sad that your life is being rules by the emet to this extent.

Please have a look if you haven't already done so at Sage's success story (it's on the fron page) and follow th elink on their to her website, it's really very inspirational and reassuring and one of the best thing si learnt from it is that soap doesn't "kill" sv's it simply helps release them from your skin so you can rinse them away down the plughole.

Alcohol hand rubs do NOT protect your from sv's they are only anti-bacterial not anti-viral. There a coupl eof anti-viral ones on the market (one is called zapp-it and is available from their website, forgot what it is but google it and it will comeup) and that says it kills practically anything inclusing noro plus it's alcohol free and kind to your skin.

I get you now with the gloves, they're disposables...i know they're probably like your safety blanket right now but honestly soap and water for about 20 seconds (i read somewhere it's the time to sing happy birthday twice or something..) will clean your hands well enough.

get yourself some Dettol Anti-bacterial surface spray for doing your kithen and bathroom and some dettol aerosol spray for doing door handles, remote controls etc it's anti viral and anti bacterial.

CBT helped me loads, it didn't get rid of the phobia and i don't think anything ever will it just taught me to control IT rather than the other way round.

I have massive ups and downs and extremes of it but touch wood have lived quite normally with it for a few years now.

Could you maybe start taking your gloves off for really short periods of time and gradually extend the length of time as you gain confidence and realise that nothing bad is going to happen without them on?

I'm glad you found the site, you'll get loads of good advice and support here.

[alwaysafraid]

Welcome Piers....thanks for sharing your story. You will find you have many friends here that share your fears and understand. Please try and find a doctor that listens to you and doesn't judge. You can learn to deal with this phobia if you get the right kind of help. Keep searching until you find it and remember there's always someone here to chat with. We're all here for each other. Best wishes to you.

[kyle1989]

hi mate, i can relate to you a lot.

i had the same effect happened to me, i lost loads of wait over a 1 - 3 month period, but i was 13 - 14 at the time. i dropped to 5 stone.

the difference being though, is that i didn't even catch a norovirus, i just felt really really nauseas one night, really bad, i never was sick in the end, but i panicked and fought it for about an 30 mins - 1 hour. it traumatized me with fear, the 3 days after that, i tried eating, i was too scared of feeling that sick again. iv had emetophobia all my life, but that incident made it the hardest its eever been for me. anyway, after 3 days of trying to forget that night, and trying to eat normal, the anxiety, or something took over, and i felt like i wanted to throw up every morning when i woke up. like i had nausea every morning for about 2 or 3 weeks. that was the main reason i lost all the weight. the horrible nausea made me unable to eat. since then (it was in 2001 - 2002) iv mentally got over it, and managed to gain my weight back and eat daily meals, but i can't eat outside, and i can't eat meals in one go. im still scared and phobic of feeling sick. the way this phobia makes me a prisoner to the fear, and a slave to its 'life style' really depresses me. it depresses me that i can't do what i want to do in life because it might involve risking things that could lead me to catching a bug or being sick. i feel frightened to choose what i want to study at uni. because of all this, i have wanted to die to alot of times. so i completely understand you. im a unique emet because i drink very often, its my only mental medicine. i don't mean to 'promote' drinking, but its just the truth, and how i feel.

my mother is a suffer of bioplar, she has relapsed many times during my life time as a young child, so i can also understand your disorder completely.

i don't know how to make you feel better, i have a hard time trying to convince my self to feel better, but all i can offer is that i completely understand and know how you feel and where your coming from.

and if you ever need to talk or get things off your chest, im a good listener.

just thought it would be interesting to say, that i am from london, but i got to Nescot College, surely you know that college? its in ewell/epsom?

not far from you!Edited by: kyle1989

[moodyspasmodic]

hi piers, welcome, thanks for sharing your story

these things stuck out to me

I have gone from being a popular, succesful, life of the party (not
that i like parties), outgoing person to being incredibly depressed,
miserable, jobless, anxious person and i really hate it.

I have had IBS for years, and ulcers and already take loads of
medication for those, the fear just makes life...well....crap!

i can totally relate. my life seemed to crash when i had my last emet
"outbreak" this winter. i'm sorry you had to go through this.

also with ibs and ulcers, me too!