First v* (while sober) in 12 years

[x hannah x]

I posted this on the other site, but I thought I'd put it up here as well.

I posted in September to say that I'd drunk far too much at a friend's 18th and v*ed ALOT afterwards. It changed my outlook on everything to do with this phobia, but I know a couple of people told me not to jump up and down until I'd actually done it soberly and rationally.

And this weekend I did. This description might be graphic, you have been warned.

I was at a b&b with the boyfriend, and on the first day at 5.30am I woke up with really crippling stomach cramps. I'd had similar things happen before but usually not as bad, and I'd always just taken painkillers and tried to get back to sleep. I hadn't taken any painkillers on holiday with me though, so I spent half an hour lying on the bed crying and writhing about. It wasn't dignified at alll.

I was feeling n* too, not massively, probably 6/10 (as opposed to the pain which was definitely 9/10 at several points) but I knew that whatever was upsetting my stomach was causing the cramps and the nausea, and I wanted them both gone.

I went to the bathroom and waited for it to happen (with my boyfriend worrying in the background) but it wouldn't. In the end **bad bit** I actually put my fingers down my throat and forced it. The pain was that bad, I just wanted it to stop. After the first time only a tiny bit came out, and the pain did subside for a little bit, but it came back and I had to do the same thing two more times. There were a couple more bouts after that but they happened on their own, which was good. I'm glad my body managed to take over and do what it needed to.

After that I felt so much better. It was a bad experience, but the v* was definitely second to the pain, and it was a real revelation for v* to actually be something that made me feel better.

But anyway, I thought I'd let you know. And tell me if you have any questions etc.

[jwavrek]

Oh, Wow,, I woulda been in a hospital before I woulda done that.. Good job on getting through it though..

[x hannah x]

I've got a Drs appointment for next Tuesday, I'm hoping I can find out what caused the cramps because they killed.

[heretohelpx]

WOW!!! so you can pretty much call yourself a non emet then?? barve brave girl!!

[twilightrose]

Good for you! Sounds like you coped with it really well.

[icicledreamz]

Wow you have alot of courage.
I've felt like doing the same a couple times..but never dared to.
Just shows you how brave we can be sometimes when we need to be. Sometimes the rational mind just takes over.
Good for you. Although im sorry you were having those cramps.

[xxsophiaxx]

wow, good job [img]smileys/smilies_03.gif[/img]
lol I could never do that and even IF I did, i could become bulimic, knowing me.
it's good that you're going to see a dr. just in case, because from what I remember, sv* doesn't cause pain that's THAT bad, it's more like n* waves but not crippling pain.

[paulinek]

Ewww you muist must have been in some serious pain to put your fingers down your throat, I just could never ever in a million years contemplate that.

Maybe it was food poisoning you had but you're doing the right thing getting checked out at the docs.

So would you now say you consider yourself cured, like if someone in your house got an sv* would it now not bother you at all or would it still freak you out emet style?!

[x hannah x]

I think a lot of the emet was gone already, from the last time I was ill. I think this time was just the last hurdle.

A few weeks ago in my house at uni, 3 of my housemates did have the SV. I think it hit me a little but but I never v*ed from it. I wasn't scared to catch it, but at the same time I did stay out of the way of people when they were v*ing.

Thats the weird thing. I'm not scared for myself, I know I could handle catching an sv now and live through it fine, but yesterday my mum put on some real life ER programme and I still found it really difficult to watch people v*ing on tv. I think its just a case of old habits dying hard, I'll have to be strict with myself about it.

But I think I'm on my way to saying I'm an ex-emet in recovery yeah I don't think I could ever say non-emet, it seems like its something you always have to be working on.

[wackydeli]

Congrats! That's so great. You are really brave, you must be proud of yourself!

It's weird though, it scares the crap out of me imagining that you're not scared of yourself v*ing, and I get scared imagining myself NOT being scared of it either (if I ever get over it). Weird.

[x hannah x]

Why does it scare you to imagine not being scared? With other people I guess it might make you worry that they would be less careful about not v*ing, is that the same with you?

[sdfl]

Did you ever find out what caused the cramps brave girl?

I am very proud of you! I had cramps that severe once, they caused me to
cry, but my mother took me to the ER, where I had severe diarrhea. I never
once got ill though. after the diarrhea I was fine. God knows what it was.
They would not tell me.

[jools39]

wow that took a lot of courage! im so glad that you feel better!

[wackydeli]

Why does it scare you to imagine not being scared? With other people I guess it might make you worry that they would be less careful about not v*ing, is that the same with you?

It's not that. I'm not sure. I just get scared imagining myself doing something like taking care of a sick child and not being scared. I feel like, "Oh my god, how could I do that and not be scared???" Almost like watching someone else do it. Idk.

[emeraldrose]

Hannah, were the crippling pains just under your ribs? If so, it may be your gallbladder. I had gallstones last March, and I thought I was dying. I, too, felt like I should v*, and I had my head hanging over the porcelain bowl, but I couldn't do it. The pain was really bad, but I couldn't make myself v* so you are one tough cookie! Anyway, I would definitely bring up the possibility to your doc.