Breakthrough!! (I’m so proud of myself)

[lyntess]

--May be graphic for some--
--and wicked long--
--end disclaimers--

Having children has always been a looming fear for me, because of my emet. I've been worried that once I had kids, if and when they got sick, I wouldn't be able to... cope, basically. Or even look at them, you know? I have a DEEP aversion to people that vomit, and I have actually gotten angry-- like, REALLY angry-- at people who do it around me. (I know, I'm a horrible human being, being angry at sick people.)

But this afternoon at work, I endured a common nightmare for many emets: whilst in a stall in the restroom, I heard a child come running in (Mom right behind) and start vomiting. I had a flash of horror-- the mother exclaimed, "Oh honey, not in there! Well, I guess there is fine..." and I thought oh HELL, not the sink, pleeease not the sink!

(It wasn't the sink. THANK YOU GOD)

Debating whether to hide in the stall until the "threat" had been removed, I craned my neck to try and see if there were any splotches to dodge or if the child was moving around or anything. He seemed content to stay at the trash... and I was supposed to be working, after all. I steeled myself, and trotted out as calmly as I could to wash my hands.

I chanced a glance over at the "offender"...

And oh my God...

The poor little thing!

He was so pitiful, and sweaty and miserable-looking! My heart broke. He'd gotten every bit of vomit safely into the trash, and was trying very hard not to cry. Divine Miracle!! I was able to look directly at him, and say in comforting tones the, like, normal things people say to sick kids: "Aww, sweetheart. You feel any better now? You're so brave. I'm so glad you didn't make a mess, I hope you feel better now. Do you want a glass of water?"

And I was so... SINCERE!
Like WOW.
Normally I would have either hidden, panic-stricken, in the stall until someone came to save me, or dashed straight out to a different bathroom to wash my hands! I feel reeeally really really proud of myself, but more than that, RELIEVED that maybe I won't be a horrible mother after all, even if my kids DO puke! (Maybe :-P)

I was even able to change the bag in the trash can with relatively little freakoutage and frantic handwashing... and though I kept a wary eye on the child when he was walking about in the store, I didn't dissolve into fits or have to get out of there. I just... handled it.

Yeah, so, super pleased and really hoping that this little bit of real-life exposure therapy will help even more. I'm even eating dinner right now, without any qualms! Hope on the horizon. :-D

[alwaysafraid]

That's great! Good for you for being so brave facing what most of us would consider a nightmare! I'm happy for you

[carrhart]

That's really good!
I can't really speak from experience, considering I don't have kids... but I
know that it's very different when it's actually YOUR child, and you love them
with a love you've never felt before. So at those times, you'll be feeling the
same thing, the "aww you poor baby, are you alright? oh no." and want to do
anything to help them. So I'm SURE if you were to have children, that you
would be able to handle it beautifully! You did so well!

[moggs]

lyntess I am sure you will be fine as a mother. I have been a single mother to 2 children & coped when they were sick (it is different when they are your kids) but I could not have done what you did then. you are braver than me.

[lyntess]

Thanks, guys... <3

To those of you saying that it will be different when it's MY kids and everything, I see how that can be-- but I have been so angry, frightened and disgusted by family members (even ones that I got to choose myself, like y husband :-P) that I wondered if it would hold true for me.

My biggest encouragement was the genuine feeling of compassion and caring I had for the kid. I've NEVER felt that towards anybody being sick before-- it's always just been twisted fear + loathing. Fear + compassion, I can totally handle!! :-)

[moggs]

Trust me you will be much better with your own kids than you are ever going to be with the rest of your family and your hubby.

[lyntess]

I sure hope so. :-)

I told my husband about the incident at work (he's English and we're going through the immigration process right now-- almost 2 years into it, in fact... his interview at the Embassy is in 11 days! but the point is, he doesn't live with my emet every day right now) and he was all sweet and I-told-you-so at the same time. "See, honey? I knew you'd be fine, you're going to make a perfect mother. You could never hate your own child!"

I really, really hope that this experience is going to help me deal with him, too. He's an average dude, finds vomiting unpleasant but it doesn't terrorize him like it does me. Through my own methods and self-control, I am confident that I'm never going to have to vomit again (unless by some miracle I decide it's not an issue after all. UNLIKELY.)-- but him... it's just no big deal. *urp* and it's over, you know?

After being with him for 5 years, and waiting 2 for this visa to be done... I don't want to spend the rest of my life on tenterhooks around him.