“CURED OF EMETOPHOBIA”
© 2003 A. S. Christie
(please do not reproduce without permission)
I have been successfully treated for emetophobia, which I suffered from to an extremely serious degree for 40 years. For twenty of those years, I searched for help and was willing to do anything to be rid of this gripping terror in my life. Finally, I succeeded. Here is my story.
I'm 45 years old. My childhood was quite traumatic with my brother dying in an accident when I was 3, and my dad dying of cancer (literally throwing up to death, it seemed) when I was 9. My mother was psychotic, and always sick and expected me to look after her. Once she went into the hospital "for a rest" when I was only 10 and left me home alone for 3 days, even though I was sick myself. Most of the rest of my childhood was spent in horror and terror every moment. Obviously I associated vomiting with dying - even if I only saw (or thought I would see) someone else do it.
As time went on I avoided things more and more. In my teens I went to university, and stopped eating almost everything but bananas and digestive cookies (you all know this routine). My fear of others vomiting was so intense that I started avoiding people altogether at one point. I remember sitting on the bed in my room, curled up in fetal position, crying and feeling so terrified that I wanted to die. I thought it would be better to die than to ever be anywhere near someone who vomited, or to ever be sick myself. I thought if I got some sickness that involved vomiting, I would rather kill myself quickly. As soon as that thought entered my head, I knew I needed professional help. I was only 18.
I got a referral to a psychiatrist from my doctor, and the shame of just telling him my disorder (the first person on the face of this earth that I ever told) sent me into a deep depression. I wallowed in grief for weeks. I had some limited success with this psychiatrist and a 10-week group therapy for emetophobes. At least I stopped obsessing about being sick, and learned some relaxation techniques that I’ve carried with me for years. I learned that I would not be sick just because I thought I felt nauseous. I learned the difference between nausea and anxiety. This kind of therapy is a basic “cognitive-behavioral” approach, and does not involve actually having to vomit in order to get over the fear. (That should be a relief to most of you!) That was over 20 years ago. The test came 9 years ago when I got cancer and went through chemotherapy. I was pretty scared then (of dying, not just of vomiting), but when I did vomit, for the first time since I was treated back in that group (some 15 years earlier), I couldn't believe what a simply "nothing" thing it really was. Since then I've never given being sick myself a second thought.
Miraculously, I graduated from university and went on to do a Masters degree. I met my husband (we've been married 22 years now). I adopted a son, and gave birth to two girls. They're 29, 21 and 19 now and they are normal, well-adjusted, successful young people. Praise God.
I still had a huge problem. Although I feared myself vomiting less (so long as I wasn’t “trapped” “in public” I was ok), I was still terrified of others. The whole phobia seemed to get “channeled” into this fear, and it got to ridiculous proportions. I thought I was completely crazy. I didn't have much success with therapists. Most misdiagnosed me, didn't believe me, tried to tell me I must have been sexually abused, etc. I thought I was the only person in the world now who feared seeing someone else vomit. The fear was so gripping and intense that it paralyzed me, and stopped me from enjoying a normal life.
When my children were sick my husband looked after them, as I would either run out of the house in terror, or lock myself in the basement and curl up in a ball crying. We never traveled anywhere ever. I refused to get in anyone's car, or take people in my car. Once I had to fl