Can’t seem to shake this phobia

[feathermask]

I've been emetophobic for a very long time,I'm guessing since the age of around 4 or 5 years old. I don't tell anyone about it, and it's even difficult for me to write this post confessing to it, but it's gotten so bad of late that I'm desperate and need to tell someone.

Throughout my childhood, I had a horriffic fear of v*,and had full blown panic attacks whenever I felt sick, or thought I did, or when I was in an environment where people were likely to get sick (theme parks,hospitals,etc.)

My panic attacks were always very frightening because they involved n*, and the anxiety over the possibility of another panic attack eventually led to chronic stomach aches, loss of appetite and depression. I was taken to the doctor for my stomach distress as a child and every time , they found nothing physical and labeled it "nerves". For whatever reason, some years weren't as bad as others. I'd have months where I'd feel much better, rarely panicky. I'd eat well, gain weight, feel happy, then like some sort of monster from hell, the feelings would return and ruin my life again.Needless to say, school was utter misery. I attended public school until grade 7 then had to be home schooled. There were times when I could barely leave the house due to the panic. The teen years were rough for me, but then in my 20's I went through the best "remission" ever. I held a steady job, ate heartily, slept well, and felt healthy in general. I did have the occasional panic attack, but nothing unmanageable.

It all fell apart for me around 4 years ago. I went through a family crisis which I won't go into here but which turned my life upside down. I eventually ended up moving far from home with my new husband and having to try and rebuild my life. I'm much better off now on the surface and have more stability, but my health has taken a nosedive and the emetophobia and panic attacks are ravaging me. This past winter/spring has been the worst for me. Almost every time i leave the house, I feel some degree of panic or n* or both. It hits me when I'm indoors sometimes as well. It's gotten so bad that I'm really tired of trying to fight it.Nobody I know is aware of the emet. They know I suffer panic attacks, but not about my specific fear of V*. I have used every mental resource I have to play it cool when it comes to that topic and I think that's what's killing me. Growing up, my mother was very embarrassed of my panic attacks and anxiety and would become very angry and abusive with me if i didn't appear "normal" in public. I've learned over the years to hold every fear in, not let on when I'm panicking, and act as "normal" as possible (though I'm sure I probably don't always succeed).

I have a young child who will be starting school in september and I'm terrified of sending her. My memories of school are awful and I know that just walking her there will trigger attacks. Also, the fear of germs that could cause v*ing preys on my mind quite badly. Everyone tells me what a good mother I am, but they don't know the inner torture I go through just doing the normal "mom stuff'. I work from home, but I know that if i didn't, I could not hold a regular when I'm like this. Looking back, I see that emet and panic have severely limited my life. I could have had so many more experiences, gone so many more places, and enjoyed so many relationships had it not been for this damn thing that dogs me. I have many regrets because of it.

So, here I am talking about it finally to complete strangers but at least folks who understand and have been there. I'm not sure if it will help, but it can't hurt. Thanks for reading.

[asianeko]

You've come to the right place! The members on this site are amazingly helpful

I know that typing out my experiences has helped a lot. I've posted about what started my phobia, how I do on a day to day basis, and how far I've come in conquering it. It's made living with it SO much easier!

I hope that even just typing out this thread was helpful for you, and I know you'll find support within the community

[stromko]

Welcome to the community, I think you'll find a lot of other people with the same sorts of stories here.

I can sympathize with this thing kind of going into remission and then returning. I think what happens is we get a little stressed out, or encounter troubling stimuli (sometimes without even realizing it consciously), and it builds into a panic attack.

If the panic is bad enough, it makes us more prone to worry, and it can create a self-perpetuating cycle that takes time, sometimes weeks or months, to calm down.

Some of the stories of people who've gotten over this, the subject has kept up therapy or treatment or worked to minimize their phobia on a daily business, even once they're better.

In a way, emetophobia is just a response to stress, and everybody has stress in their life. People experience stress or cope with it in myriad ways, but for some of us, the way we channel our stress is to become deeply afraid of one thing, that is to become phobic.

Learning to deal with stress and anxiety, to cope with it in a healthy manner every day, goes a long way toward reducing the severity of our phobias. Since stress is just a part of life, we're not unique for needing to keep up with anti-stress techniques for the rest of our lives. Really it just gives us a reason to do something that everybody should do, because people in general feel too much stress and don't have a healthy way to cope.

[andee]

Welcome...I have been where you are many times through my life. I also hated school, felt the sick "butterflies" in my stomach, wanted to go home, etc. The anxiety can be crippling. I was hospitalized twice because I couldn't eat due to anxiety. It is definitely a LOOONG road.
Now, though, I have 2 kids, and a supportive hubby. How is your hubby with this? It is still hard for me when the kids are sick, and unfortunately they will get sick, but my hubby cares for them with that.
Hang in there and keep posting...you are in the right place.

[alwaysafraid]

Welcome! I am just speechless because your story is so similar to mine! I spent my childhood in and out od doctor's offices with "stomach problems" related to emet and anxiety abd I never told a soul what was really wrong. I missed my grade 7 year because I refused to go to school. My 20's were semi better for some reason then I also moved a long way from home when the anxiety returned with a vengence! And here I am on this site trying to deal with it. I also tell almost nobody about my emet...I find it embarrassing. I've found a lot of relief and info posting and reading on this site and I'm sure you will too. It really helped me to be able to talk about it with people who don't judge and actually do understand. It's great! Best of luck to you. If you want to chat go ahead and PM me through the site. Nice to meet you!!