Does society think emets are selfish?

[emetophobicmale]

I would like to think that if my girlfriend was puking her guts out that I could be there for her in her time of need. I would also like to think that if I was vomiting my girlfriend would be there for me in my time of need.

But my emetophobia is so severe that I don't think I could be in the same room with my girlfriend if she was vomiting.

Is it selfish to panic and avoid your girlfriend or boyfriend when they are puking? After all, it seems logical that if two people really love each other they will support and comfort one another during times of sickness.

Thanks for listening

Darrin

[kommes]

To answer you initial qustion, i will have to 'yes' on some level. I would like to share one my experiences here..

In my case i dont fear seeing or being with someone who vomits. My fear is more based around me being sick in front of people and this absolutely terrifies me to the core. This has usually kept me from dining out and i usually like to have my meals at home. And it gets worse if im dining with a women. Their was this girl at my office who one day invited me to have lunch with her. I was already feeling a bit queasy that day and i knew if i went with her i would definitely end up vomiting myself. I made up some excuses and went off. Apparently she didn't take it too well. She thought i was being rude and selfish. I actually heard this from another colleague of mine. I didn't go out and have lunch with her because i was rude or anything. Sometimes emet forces you to do these things and avoid certain situations which for the other person might look like you are being rude or arrogant. It was absolutely not my intention to turn her down has i being feeling a bit ok that day. But i almost panicked when she asked me that day. i was absolutely terrified eating would upset my already upset that day.

[elaine]

Look at it this way- by not sitting in the same room as her when she is sick, you are protecting humanity by not propagating the virus any more. By avoiding her aerosolized vomit, you are less likely to catch it yourself and you, in turn, will be less likely to spread it to someone else. Society benefits.

[olschesky]

i cannot be in the same room when someone is getting sick.......not even in the same house if i can help it.

i've never been close to my husband when he is sick......he does just fine by himself........if i tried to help i would be a nervous wreck for the next month worrying about getting it........

does your girlfriend know you have emet? my husband didnt know until a few months ago......he never questioned me not "helping" him when he was v............

[elaine]

And why do grown adults need help anyway? What exactly are you supposed to help them with?

[Melrose]

My fiance had the sv today and that just made my emet even worse. I was going to go see him but I knew that if I went I was increasing my chances of obtaining this devil damned virus, and my anxiety would seriously go through the roof. I could barely sleep nights during this sv season as it is. I ended up not going, I feel terrible that I could not be there to comfort him, but he understands he knows about my fear. If I didn't care about him I wouldn't be calling every 5min checking up on him. I think both partners need to be open minded and see the whole picture and not just take it as "well I was sick and you didn't come to see me so you are a really selfish person"

[amarkham01]

I think most adults would prefer to be alone when v*ing. There really isn't anything you can do for someone who's v*ing, they can handle it alone...it's really not that complicated for a "normal" person. Maybe bring them a glass of water afterwards.

[PinkButterfly]

Knowing me, if I was getting sick I would want to be comforted because I usually panic so bad and shake and cry and for some reason I become immobile, I suppose from immediate weakness? I don't know. I haven't V* in along time and my boyfriend has never been there to see it. But once several years ago I did have it but I was at home with my mom and I called him all the time because I wanted comfort. BUT at the same time I wouldn't want him touching things and some how getting it himself from me. I'm very protective of him in the sense of getting sick as much as I am protective of myself. I'm always yelling at him to not touch his face hahha.

Soo I don't really know. But I don't think it is selfish.. It might seem so to outsiders who aren't close to us. Because when someone tells me they feel sick / was sick recently, I back off A LOT, and it might seem awkward to them, but I try to make it not so noticeable as possible. Its hard But i suggest letting close loved ones know

[ChibiGaku]

well, when my partner was vomiting I couldn't comfort at all, I freaked out completely at first. I can't be in the same room when someone vomits. I could only go to my partner and sit in the other end of the sofa some hours after the last sickness... I feel really bad because of this. I want to be able to help. Luckily my partner knows about my emet and can help me deal with it.

I think it's a bit selfish, yes, but because I'm an emet myself, I think the most important thing is to tell your close ones what you suffer from, and when they understand, they probably won't look at you as selfish.

And I think it's cruel of the society to think of us as selfish. This is a phobia. Nothing we can really do about it.

[crd08]

Eh, all humans are selfish. I'm not going to hold the hand of my vomiting boyfriend and risk getting it myself. To him getting sick is like taking a pee, it's just something you do to feel better. Unless it's a young child, they don't need help. I know most would prefer to be alone anyway.
Of course if I was sick, I would like my mom to comfort me but that's just because my phobia gets me all worked up. If I didn't have it, I would just be like any other adult and go and get it over with.
We are all selfish and for different reasons. I don't bother worrying about it. I do worry about when I have kids someday, but I hope to be better by then.

[elysse]

I dont think it has anything to do with being selfish....I know when it comes to my emet, when someone v* around me I HAVE to get out of there....Its not even like I think about it, its like an animal instinct....I love my husband and would do anything possible for him...but one night he drank soooo much and was sooo sick and he kept telling me that he was done v* but he would keep doing it...so he got set up in the bed with a garbage can (thank you so much to the friend that was there to drive him home and wash him off and get him into bed) and I moved out to the couch....while he layed in the bedroom and cried for me to come in there and sleep with him....I felt so bad but I just couldnt do it...and I must admit it was kind of comical to hear a big army guy crying that he didnt want to be alone (AND IT WAS ONLY FUNNY BECAUSE HE WAS FINE AND WAS OVERREACTING BECAUSE OF THE ALCHOHOL) I finally fell asleep and he woke me up a few hours later when he was finally all done and slept on the couch with me. But like I said, I dont think it has anything to do with us being selfish....granted if I told a non emet about this they would probably think otherwise.....

[grenadexhopper]

My on-again off-again boyfriend ate some bad steak Monday night. Their house is flooded with v*. We got in an argument way before he got sick or even ate that night and I feel so guilty. We are off-again right now, and him being sick and miserable guilted me out of talki g to my guy friend. And since we were arguing, he successfully got back at me by texting me "I hope you're happy, my entire family has the flu" at 4am Tuesday. He knows it's my biggest fear. I haven't eaten or drank since he told me (minus lunch at school... mm soft pretzels <3). He's now apolgizing nonstop for freaking me out, which makes me feel worse. I feel more than selfish, and I think this fear can be selfish at times. I care about my health more than others.

Right now (at 4am... boy should I go to bed) I really want to be with him and there for him right now. And the best way for me to take care of him is to let him do what he has to do. Which is sleep... even though I'd love to call him like I usually do and panic...

[PinkButterfly]

What kind of statement is that? I hope you're happy my entire family has the flu? As if it was your fault?

[grenadexhopper]

What kind of statement is that? I hope you're happy my entire family has the flu? As if it was your fault?

I don't know. Just to stress me out because I made him mad earlier that night, I'm guessing? I finally managed to eat today though. Except I'm sitting in my class right now feeling sick to my stomach. :/ Boo, acid reflux, BOO!

[turbokinetic]

I would like to think that if my girlfriend was puking her guts out that I could be there for her in her time of need. I would also like to think that if I was vomiting my girlfriend would be there for me in my time of need.

But my emetophobia is so severe that I don't think I could be in the same room with my girlfriend if she was vomiting.

Is it selfish to panic and avoid your girlfriend or boyfriend when they are puking? After all, it seems logical that if two people really love each other they will support and comfort one another during times of sickness.

Thanks for listening

Darrin

Darrin, one way I can see this is by considering emetophobia (a years-long or lifetime issue) a more significant problem than a puking episode (a temporary issue).

Her sick stomach will recover in hours or days; but you might be disturbed for weeks from being closely exposed.

It is indeed selfish to neglect your partner when she feels poorly and would like to be touched; but it would also be selfish for her to expect you to stay with her and induce in yourself weeks of heightened anxiety.

That's my two cents worth!
David

[grenadexhopper]

I'm crying my eyes out right now. My mother and my grandmother are screaming at me because all I care about is myself and my stomach. Just because I don't want to eat or drink because I feel sick, I'm getting ripped into. I just got my phone and computer taken away over this!

[Jill in Apartment 413]

Darrin-

Before my ex moved in with me she knew about my emet. She managed to t*u twice during our 6 month relationship. THe first time I was asleep when it happened and she actually went and sanitized the entire bathroom afterwards, but told me she did it cause she thought I might have heard her and also because I told her if she ever v*s I wanted to know.

The second time she was switching medications and the side effects were making her dizzy and n*. One day she was eating a sandwich before I went out even though she felt n* (Go figure non-emets are so lucky) anyway shortly after I left she v*ed. Then later that day after I came home she said that earlier when she v*ed she felt LOTS better afterward and was going to make herself v* again. She went into the bathroom, shut the door, turned on the stereo we keep in there, turned on the dehumidifier, and turned on the water. God she was so good to me.

Anyway, I don't think that it's wrong to avoid them. I know you WANT to be there and she should be able to understand. Say she was scared of spiders and randomly throughout the year on some days you would be covered in spiders. It wouldn't really bother you but she would freak....would you expect her to be there?

[mindy r]

I think that society can see emets as selfish.

I have an example. My husband and I are teachers and we just moved to a small town for my husband's job. We moved here because we have good friends here. They know all about my "issue". But, being new teachers we have also met a lot of other teachers around here. Some know about my fear and say they "understand" and some don't know.

Our good friends had a St. Patrick's Day party and some of the teachers that we barely know brought over some jello shooters and also another teacher we knew even less. He brought his girlfriend. Anyway, she had A LOT of jello shooters. She was very drunk before we all left to go to a dance in town.

The teachers we barely knew and their friends (other teacher and DRUNK girlfriend) walked to the dance. It was cold out and it was about 2 km walk. I drove since I don't drink. I felt really awful that I couldn't drive the other group. The drunk girl didn't look so hot while we were getting ready to do. I made the mistake of getting my shoes and coat on before the rest of my group was ready so I was trapped in the entryway with my husband and good friends in the dining room and the drunk girl between us! I knew that I could run out the door but, I was still very scared.

When we all got to the dance we found out that drunk girl actually got sick 5 times walking there! I was so shocked. I couldn't believe that the boyfriend didn't just take her home! I am thinking that she also got sick while we were there since her and the female teacher she walked over with went to the bathroom together. My good friend was sitting with us and she kept making sure there was a free pathway for me to run away if I needed too. (it is so nice to have someone who understands!)

Well, I was substituting in the school that the teachers works in last week. I apologized to her for not driving them to the dance. She said that they did think it was awkward but that they don't hold grudges - that right there told me that they were angry that I didn't drive them. I told her that I really can't handle people getting sick. She said that she was in situations before when a friend had gotten sick in someones car and it was weird so she "understood". I told her that it was more than just being grossed out. I know she didn't understand.

Also, about a partner getting sick. I could never be in the bathroom with my husband and I would never want him in the bathroom with me. He understands and he is ok with it.

[x...RaChE...x]

Um to answer the main question... yes... sometimes

Cos I have a aunt who is emetophobic and they make fun of her about it... they do with me as well... cos sometimes she'd avoid going to restraunts with the family... and one time she had to run out of the cinema cos she got so anxious, at one point she was housebound because of it... shes getting much better now but when I was younger I'd hear my mum and dad go on about how selfish and mentally unstable she is... and now they do it with me too... its annoying but true...

[x...RaChE...x]

btw when I said 'they' I was referring to my mum and dad... my baddd

[barbiegirl]

I don't think it is selfish to not be able to "help" your partner if they are sick. There really isn't anything you can do at that point, and for most people v* really isn't a big deal anyway.

I know for a fact that if my boyfriend was v*, I wouldn't be able to handle being in the same building, let alone the same room. I would like to think that a guy would respect my fear enough and understand about the situation. I know I would be understanding and respectful of his fears and do everything I could to avoid triggering anxiety for him.

[DoonDoon]

Hi Darrin,

I don't think that you being unable to care for and comfort your girlfriend in this type of situation is selfish at all. My boyfriend is very aware of my phobia, and he his extremely supportive when I'm having a particularly rough time with it. I've told him that I wouldn't be able to be anywhere near him if he was sick, and he completely understands. Believe me, I want nothing more than to be there for my man... but I know deep down that (as of right now) I would not be able to handle a situation like that.

It's funny... he has a serious case of arachnophobia (it's just as bad as my emetophobia), so we've decided that when we live together and start a family some day he'll be the "v* cleaner-upper" and I'll be the "spider killer" of the household.

[misplacedangels]

Heh, I think it may be looked at as selfish by some, but smart by others. Not wanting to get sick is not a selfish thing, IT'S A SMART THING! haha. Who wants to be around someone who is ill on purpose?? Now, I have to say, when it comes to kids it is a little different. I want to be there for them... it's my job! But my husband... he is on his own As I hope I would be. heh. If I got it, I would NOT want him to get it... no way. Nip it in the butt with the first sickie in the house... then be done with it.

[Jill in Apartment 413]

DoonDoon- My ex-fiance was as bad about spiders as I am with my emet. She would actually check the bedroom and bed for spiders each night. She would see a piece of lint move and scream. I was very protective of her and anytime she would freak out I would run and take care of the situation. We also had the agreement that she would clean up v* and I would kill the spiders LoL!

[DoonDoon]

DoonDoon- My ex-fiance was as bad about spiders as I am with my emet. She would actually check the bedroom and bed for spiders each night. She would see a piece of lint move and scream. I was very protective of her and anytime she would freak out I would run and take care of the situation. We also had the agreement that she would clean up v* and I would kill the spiders LoL!

Isn't it fun when things all even out?

[abbi]

i don't think it's selfish, i mean we can't help being terrified. i still feel guilty though.

[kyle1989]

this question reminds me of the end of 1984.

anyway, i know we arent selfish, and i know that if anyone thinks emets are less than phobic (selfish is one) then they are uninformed and mistaken.

[john f.]

this question reminds me of the end of 1984.

It took me a while to get what you meant, but that's a good comparison. Is it possible that our deepest, darkest, most terrifying fears trump the deepest possible feelings of love?

How depressing.

[2u4u4ever.com]

Our condition definitely needs to be taken more seriously by the medical establishment and the society at the whole!
I was just going to say that anyone telling us that we are selfish are the ones that are being selfish, , but it's just simply lack of education, knowledge and understanding really. That's all that it is.

[fayex]

kind of but at the end of the day we cant help feeling like this if we are scared wer're scared