So, I think I've got yet another kidney infection - which makes me n* beyond belief.

The doctor finally gave me Zofran to help me cope until they can cure these for good. I felt really s* tonight, took some, and within half an hour felt great.

A few minutes ago I was sitting here and suddenly felt as though v* came into my mouth. No warning, no n*, nothing. I jumped up instinctively...of course I was horrified and scared thinking it was coming.

It didn't. But I realized - if I v* right there and then as soon as I felt something in my throat, I would have been ok. I could have handled it. It was the point AFTER, when I had time to think "omg, it's coming."

I think a big part of my fear is losing control of my body, if only for 15 seconds. Anticipating that something beyond my control could take over everything.

Doesn't help me if I get really n* again, I'll still freak out, but I think this is real progress, if only a small step! Really wanted to share with people.