I have made progress...

[laylamommy]

When I was younger and living with my family (2 younger brothers), sv* was ALWAYS on my mind. Every night, my heart would burst out of my chest at any small noise.

I'd sleep in my clothes "just in case" it happened at night. I'd put a mattress pad or blanket or towels beside my bed. If someone was sick I'd force myself to sleep on my side, at the edge of the bed...just knowing it would hit me in the middle of the night. I'd also go days without wearing my retainer for fear of that extra step of having to remove it. (It was horrible, a ONE piece thing, like football players wear almost only fitted to my teeth and with 4 tiny holes)

It was constantly on my mind. I had so many rituals, it's not even funny.

Now that I am older (and have Layla), I've made progress with my phobia:
<ul>[*]I don't spend all my time thinking about it, though I will never think about it normally.[*]When I do think about it, instead of thinking "please don't let this happen to me, I'd rather die", I actually say to myself "please, if it happens let me handle it well."[*]While I fear the sv* still, I'm not afraid of me throwing up. (It's the lack of control that comes with the sv* that scares me, not the act... (I've learned that part of the fear is a control issue, and by taking control if I feel sick and letting it happen I will feel better, then I am in control and so I no longer fear the act)[*]I fear other people more now, because it's twice the worry. First dealing with them, then worrying about everyone else (including me) catching it from them.[*]I will not panic if it happens...I know my heart will speed up, my body will have that panic reaction, but I will not let my mind contribute. I know I can handle anything, that is how I handled my pregnancy and that attitude goes a long way.[/list]

I know this is long and no one will read it but I just wanted to put these thoughts into words.

[laylamommy]

My biggest problem now is actually conquering the anger I feel towards someone who is sick. (Not Layla, she's different)

I have feelings of rage towards Layla's dad if he even says he's not feeling well. I am mean about it too. I can't help it. It's the way I feel. Anger.

I think it has something to do with my dad yelling at me for v* in his car when I was 3/4. I don't remember it, but my mom does and my dad did so it must have really hurt me, and I think that's why when I was a kid being sick was an 'embarrassing thing', so much that I could never imagine why someone would pretend to be sick.

I don't think it is the cause of my phobia, but one of the many things that contributed. (Times when I was sick, or someone else was and I was young and saw them, my parents divorcing (around 5) and my dad dropping out of my life. I think all those things probably added up to this anxiety I have surrounding v* and illness.

Also, I no longer assume the worst. I consider the possibilities, but I know that worrying will not help anything, but being prepared never hurt either. So instead of worrying, I just try to be prepared for something like this to happen, and have an action plan. If I hear someone in Layla's class was sick, it worries me, but I do not consider her doomed because she might have been exposed.

That is the kind of thinking I had when I was younger, if you are exposed, you are DOOMED.Edited by: laylamommy

[ankitchens]

Those are some really good points you made, and I deff think the way we look at things [such as v*] plays a huge role in this phobia.

"While I fear the sv* still, I'm not afraid of me throwing up. (It's the lack of control that comes with the sv* that scares me, not the act... (I've learned that part of the fear is a control issue, and by taking control if I feel sick and letting it happen I will feel better, then I am in control and so I no longer fear the act)"

This point in particular....sometimes it's not obvious that we have a control issue, and it wasn't to me until I talked to someone about it but my doctor said having anxiety in general is a control issue and I can deff see that! A lot of us don't realize it but the actual n* and bad feelings we have are the worst part of it, I myself still can't get it through my head, but the actual act happens so fast there's only time to panic before or after it does happen.

Anxiety in general is changing your thinking, and being able to relax yourself in times like those is a great tool to have. I've been n* all day but using breathing and relaxation methods i've been able to hold it together.

I worry about Emerie going to school one day and catching a sv* but there's honestly nothing I can do about it if she does. Like others have said before....I can't be with my child 24/7 to see that she washes her hands or stays away from sick children. At the same time, I know it's important for me to hold my composure as best as possible so my emet doesn't effect her, or god forbid, rub off on her.

You are doing a great job and are really making great progress. =)Edited by: ankitchens

[asianeko]

I love your list! And your attitude! Congrats on being able to cope with your fear

"I will not panic if it happens...I know my heart will speed up, my body will have that panic reaction, but I will not let my mind contribute. I know I can handle anything, that is how I handled my pregnancy and that attitude goes a long way."

That attitude really does go a long way. After I learned how to calm myself with relaxing breathing, it's like I can take on anything, even when I'm n*. It helps keep my mind settled while I work on calming my body down.

I also think you're very very brave to have a child, as well That's one of the reasons I'm trying to get over my emet, because someday I may want to have children, and even pregnancy scares me!

[paulinek]

I noticed you hadn't been around in a while! I'm glad you are feeling like this, this is how i want to get, i know i'm never ever going to rect to nausea and vomiting in myself or others like a "normal" person either and I don't care what anyone says, i'm not being negative, just realistic - but I DO want to get to the stage where it affects my life as minimally as possible in that everything I do isn't in someway ruled by emet and what ifs, i want to be able to accept an invitation to something months in advance and not spend those months worrying about what is going to happen on the day i.e am i going to be sick, i want to be able to buy any food i like from the supermarket without getting one from the back of the shelf so it's not been fingered, is the coldest, is the freshest etc etc and then worrying myself half to death about it cos i've not had it before, i want to be able to look after someone who is sick without freaking myself out and also making them feel worse (which is what i do, i actually make the ill person feel worse with my constant interrogation [img]smileys/smilies_09.gif[/img] ) but most of all i just want to not even think about let alone worry about vomiting until it is just about to happen - that would be bliss.

I'm envious you have got to this stage and i hope it continues for you x

[ejb199]

i read your posts and they are really inspiring. thank you for posting because its stuff like this that i think gives us all hope when we, well quite frankly, feel like we have none!!

lol pauline, i take things from the back in supermarkets too. yesterday we were in morrisons and jon wanted some of the tikka massalas they have on offer to pop in the freezer. anyway they didnt have any on the end and i went to the curry section and saw one, perched alongside the rogan joshs's - i told him he couldnt have it coz it looked like it had been slung back on the shelf after being sat somewhere else all day. (i used to work on the checkouts and know how long fresh food used to sit there sometimes! i used to call people to pop it back but no one gave a damn [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img] ) anyway so luckily, we found a stack of them which id missed!

[paulinek]

lol re the tikka masalas, i won't take anything that's not in it's proper place either or if it's the last one left, cos i'm like why? why has no-one took that one? what's wrong with it? It must be iffy [img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img] Paranoia at it's best.

[bryceryan]

I'm having a real tough day/night now. Thank you for all the positive messages. I am soo scared and have been pretty much having panic attacks all day, and now it's night so I'm afraid it's going to get much worse. There is a stomach "bug" going around and I'm so scared one of my kids will get it. Because then my other child will, then my husband will then I will. I just really want to get out of my head right now!!! I know it's totally irrational, but as you all know, it seems like the end! Stay positive, I'm trying