THIS IS GOING TO BE AVERY GRAPHIC POST, SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEPROCEED W/ CAUTION! I DON'T WANT TO GIVE ANYONE ANXIETY! I KNOW WE'RE ALL AT DIFFERENT LEVELS, SO I JUST WANTED TO WARN YOU.....


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The title is right...I did "it."


So now I have <st1:date M&#111;nth="10" Day="28" Year="2004">October 28, 2004</st1:date> to add to the list of dates that I was sick. You guys, "IT" really happened this morning around 6:45 a.m., and I don't know what to feel right now...shock, relief, fear, pain, hurt, anger, frustration,betrayal, disbelief...maybe a mix of all of those. Probably mostly shock and disbeliefthough. I didn't think I had it in me! Good GOD!!! I was terrified!!!! I still am!!!!! I feel it can happen any moment again...I still feel that sickness/nausea feeling.


I had been up all night long fearing and awaiting "it's" arrival. I could not sleep nor rest.I would go to sleep, only to be woken up a few minutes later with this crippling nausea and really bad stomach pains. I camped out downstairs in front of the television set because I did not want to befar away from my parents.It was the night straight out of hell!! I can't tell you guys how horrified I was or how sick I felt or just how....you know...you know exactly what I mean. It's beyond words for me.It was my worst fear coming true. I'm sitting here crying right now, writing this post. I don't know why I'm so emotional. It’s over (I hope and pray). I still don't think it has hit me fully yet. I don't know whether I think I'm dreaming or watching a movie or what...but it hasn't dawned on me yet that"it" happened. I haven't fully been able to reflect on the experience. But I still have tear in my eyes.


I'll do my best to describe what I can minus the disgusting details.


You guys know I have been under tremendous stress lately with school. I haven't been able to be around as frequently as I was before, and I didn't plan on coming here until my quarter ended in two weeks because I have a lot of stuff to do still. But this happened, and I need some support. And you know the OCD has been almost worse than ever. I talked to the lady who was in charge of students with learning disabilities atmy school (I was very overwhelmed with school work and had tested a few years ago for a learning disability in math)and she strongly suggested I drop a class. (This was my first time taking 11 hours)(We go by quarters and 8 hours is a full time load). So I dropped math a few weeks ago and also got a few concessions if needed on my tests or assignments in my other classes. This helped some,but it didn'treally solve the problem. I was still killing myself for my classes, pulling all-nighters and stressing myself out and pushing myself to finish assignments on time. Itried my best not touse the extended time, butsometimes it was inevitable because I would work myself into such astress and suc