feel ashamed

[mbs730]

You know I was thinking before, when I v'ed last month
both times my husband was so kind and sympathetic towards me. However
if the role was reversed I would be a cursing, raving lunatic ordering
him to leave the house and resenting him and being angry with him for
it! I think about it a lot because in a month he is going for his 3rd
CT scan that he has to have every 4 months and if any cancerous cells
are present, he will have to go on radiation therapy which will affect
the digestive area. He was told that n and v is a very likely symptom
if he had to do it. I feel so selfish and cant help it. I mainly want
his results to be negative so I wont have to face him v'ing and the
worst... possibly cleaning up after him. Even if I never would have to
clean up after him, just KNOWING that he is doing it, or has done it is
enough to do it for me. I hate this, I feel so horrible for
feeling that way. I mean yeah I care about his well being in general
but... unfortunately more so about him not v'ing!! What I am also so
deathly afraid of is, if he v's it could affect how I see him. It could
do a lot more damage to relationship and cause me to be disgusted by
him. I really dont get it either. Why am I so morbidly phobic of others
v'ing less than I am of myself? The tramatic experience happened to ME!
Its not like seeing someone v triggered this or that anyone has ever
been sick on me... I dont get it. I feel like a horrible person for
even thinking that way...I wouldnt blame anyone who would agree. I
really dunno.



Miriam

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Edited by: mbs730

[SullyMel]

You shouldn't feel like a horrible person. It's the emet, not you. You can't help it.At least, try to be there for him if he is even sick. Hopefully, he is fine, and I will pray that he is. My mom had breast cancer and had 8 rounds of brutal chemo and 6 weeks of radiation, and she didn't vomit once. She was nauseous, but didn't vomit. I hope everything works out for you. Take Care

[2jo2]

Ok, Miriam, you're not a horrible person, your feelings are symptoms of this phobia. Your phobia doesn't define you as a person, so don't let yourselfbelieve that it does.


I pray that your husband's tests come back negative for cells and that he's going to be just fine.


God forbid, though that he has to go thru treatment, isn't there medication they can give him for nausea? I mean, the last thing they want is for him to get dehydrated and sick and then not be able to continue treatments. It's a question I would ask of the doctors.


Also, you may feel differently if the time comes. I mean, be more worried about his survival and successful treatment rather than if he v*s because of it. Just like you're not defined by your phobia, he's not defined by his cancer. I hope you can talk to your therapist/councelor about these things so you have a plan for whatever happens. The key to successful cancer treatment along with medication is a positive outlook, and it may help your entire family thru this possibile situation if you had some stress relieving techniques planned for it.


I hope you are doing better. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to set yourself up to be mad at him for it when you don't even know if he has to have treatment or not.


Hugs to you!!!!

[Melikasa]

I pray for your health and your husbands. I know many cases where it doesn't come back. I know I HATED the thought of my husband getting sick and I did at first hate him wanting to cuddle me after I heard him gagging (which is from reflux) There was one morning he was in a lot of pain from it and I was able to step up to the plate because of concern.
Even if you can't it doesn't make you a horrible person. You are not selfish either. It is the phobia and as long as your husband knows you have the phobia he will be understanding about how you aren't going to be there when he is sick but you will be by his side once his stomach is better.
The n and v won't last for the whole time IF he has to have the chemo. Chances are you are working yourself up over nothing. Don't dwell on it till you the time comes. Prapare yourself then.
You may be worried about not wanting to be near him, I don't think you will resent him though. It isn't like he went out and got drunk and came home and got sick on you, by you, near you. It is something that can't be helped. I think your mind will realize this difference. Keep us posted on how it all goes.

[wing]

oh..you arent horrible..like everyone said its just the emetophobia. I hope your husbands results are negative. Dont feel bad.

[mbs730]

Thanks.. I just know how I felt about him after our
daughter was born and he got sick. Now mind you he did some lousy
things after that but has more than made up for it... I still feel
adversely towards him for getting sick that night. Antiemetics I dont
think eliminate n and v completely. Even if he does it only once, and
its not even around me... that will be more than enough for me to
handle!



Miriam

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[2jo2]

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why did your husband v* the night your daughter was born? Was he sick, drunk, motion sick, overeating, or what? You've mentioned it a number of times, but never elaborated. I hope I'm not being too nosey.


I'm going to put on my "home psychologist" hat for a second here, but could it be that you're so mad at him because you feel he let you down? I mean, the only reason I can see why you'd be mad at him for v*ing 2 years ago is that the birth of your daughter is supposed to be a great day, not a day for you to always remember that he v*d. He tarnished the day by v*ing PLUS he knows you have a phobia and still he v*d and let you down by "ruining" the great day. Is that how you think of the day? Do you think of your daughter's birthday and automatically think of your husband v*ing?


I hope you can figure this out and move past it so it doesn't eat you alive. There's nothing worse for a relationship than resentment. I'm thinking of you, hun! [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[Melikasa]

That's funny 2jo2 I was thinking the same thing. I have been wanting to ask as well.

[mbs730]

He let me down by doing that, he let me down by not
coming to visit us the day after BECAUSE he v'ed... he let me down in
so many other ways... guys I am so scared. They said there is a chance
if he is fatigued then the cancerous cells are returning. He has been
very tired for the past few days... I cant deal with this. I would
rather lock myself in a dungeon than have to be around him if he v's. I
cant deal with it!!!! i CANT DEAL WITH IT!!</font>

[mbs730]

Oh sorry I didn't answer... well why did he v? Well the
poor guy (sarcasm) was sooo stressed (and he didnt go through the labor
and pain! HA!) that it just got to him! I cant help but keep on
thinking of him as a wuss for it too! My friends husband's were with
them 100% and never got sick when their kids were born....And yes I
admit I do blame him for making me think of my
little girl's birthday the day he got sick!!!! Uggh, its probably wrong
but I cant help how I feel. I KNOW that was a trigger for me having
post partum depression, funny I didnt get it with my son and my husband
didnt get sick the day he was born. I am wondering no matter WHAT he
does to make everything up for me and he has done a lot to make up for
the other horrible stuff he did, I dont think I can ever really let
that go.... everytime I look at him I think of him being sick
that night and..... its very hard for me to be close to him. Irrational
I know... but logic and phobia mix like oil and water!



Miriam

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Edited by: mbs730

[kswanson]

First of all, you ARE NOT a bad person! I can sympathize with you here. When my 5 year gets sick, I should be a good mommy and hold her and tell her it's going to be ok, instead all I can think about is "Oh great now I'm going to get this" and I run. No one in my family understands this, in fact they make fun of me for it. My husband doesn't understad this irrational fear, and he thinks I'm being ridiculous.

[Melikasa]

I do think that him being sick the night of your daughters birth is a lot different than chemo sickness. I think (even though YOU don't at the moment) that come the time (heaven forbid it does) you will handle it different. Even if you can't be with him it doesn't make you a bad person.
He isn't alone though on being sick or passing out from child birth. A lot of men do. I am also sure that you are not alone in resenting him for it. Especially when he is suppose to be there to support you. Just think though that he was SOOOO excited and in tune with you that he was sensitive enough to be sick. Some men can even have sympathy pains. Especially when it is the first.
He could be tired because of the stress of it all. Imagine all the thought going through his head. Stress even when it isn't about something AS serious as cancer can tire a person out A LOT.
Keep us all informed and stop dwelling on it (easier said than done) it would be too bad to make yourself sick from the stress as well.

[2jo2]

Melikasa is right, his v-ing the night of your daughter's birth due to stress isn't uncommon, I've heard of alot of men feeling woozy. Think of it like this, you v'd a couple weeks ago from stress too, so it can happen. Sure, you had way more to deal with from the birth than he did, but the first child, your life is changing, never to be the same again. That can stress alot of people out. That brings us to now, and the stress involved in waiting and wondering about his next CT. I can't even imagine what that's like to wait and wonder if you are going to have to face your own mortality, face endless sessions of chemo and radiation... it's scary. His being tired could just be because of sleepless nights thinking of these sorts of things. Try not to get too worked up about it because you just don't know. Like Melikasa said, you don't want to make yourself sick from stress too. Gosh, I sure hope things work out for you.

[mbs730]

Thanks... see this is why I feel like a bad person. He
is the one going through this and all I care about is him possibly
going on radiation and being sick from it!! More so from anything else!
Nice of me huh? Well I hope his mother can take care of him, and
he can stay there and if he does get sick I dont have to know about it.
It would be best for both of us. He doesnt need the added pressure of
me being horrible to him if he is sick. I know its a totally different
situation from what happened the night my daughter was born and this...
but the fact of the matter is, since my phobia affects me in such a way
where I cannot deal with others around me being sick and it freaks me
out way too much... I would be anything but sympathetic and comforting
towards anyone, even my husband and I hate to know how I would be with
my kids if they are v'ing from no matter what reason it is....I just
dont even want to imagine it!! Thanks for your support.



Miriam

</font>

[Melikasa]

Does your husband know that that is what you want? If that is the case then don't worry about it. He will get the radiation and be with him mom and you won't even have to deal with it. You are REALLY working yourself up over nothing then.
I know there are people that have had it and not gotten sick as well. So again it may not have to be something you will have to deal with.
Then again he may not have it and it may be all good totally. No cancer, no radiation or chemo and no sickness.

[mbs730]

The only thing that is holding his mother back from
taking care of him is, well his father passed away from cancer back
over 7 years ago and she had to watch him go through all the treatments
and watch him suffer and everything... so she cant watch her son go
through the same thing which I guess is understandable but... she didnt
say she WOULDNT do it but she doesnt know if she could either. So I
guess I am selfish about everything regarding this...in that respect I
cant exactly be mad at her if she refuses to take care of him for those
reasons, it would be hard having to watch your child go through
something that your spouse died and suffered from.... if there are
cells present, what is going to happen if his mother says she wont take
care of him? Its not only going to be a bad situation for me, but for
him, and for the kids!! How are they going to react if they see their
mother screaming at their sick father like a raving lunatic??? Thats
not fair to them either. And please...please dont take this the wrong
way but I will scream if I hear anyone say one more time "oh you can do
it if faced with the situation because you are a lot stronger than you
think" NO I AM NOT!! This is how my phobia affects me! I am not just a
little more phobic of others being sick around me than I am of
myself... I am MORBIDLY phobic of it!!!!! And I am going to be very
frank here. I am not trying to be melodramatic by saying this because
its true. I would rather DIE than to have to take care of him if he
were sick from no matter what cause!!! I CANT CANT DO IT!! And even if
the CT scan comes negative this next time... it doesnt mean it wont the
time after that because those cells could come back at any time! We
have to wonder what is going to happen every 4 months...Thanks for the
replies anyway... I know you mean well.



Miriam

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[wing]

I'm not very good with words of advice so..*hugs*

[r311dude]

Hi Miriam,don't take this in a rude way, but it's not that you can't do it, it's that you won't do it. The human body is capable of so much more than we can imagine. Just try to to keep in the mind set that being with him is the most important thing to you and him and that could possibly cause the emet to be more recessive. I know when I'm put into stressfull situations with my emet, I always seem to come out ok, well first off because this phobia is just a way of our brains creating a falsified fear within ourselves, and secondly, because once you're in it and start noticing yourself surviving as each minute goes by, you'll get more and more calm. I can't speak for everyone or yourself though, this is just from personal experiences. I really hope that helps because I'm sure if your husband stayed home it would be better than staying at his moms.

[crazybeautiful]

You have to put yourself in your husbands position. Imagine what he's going through right now, worrying if he has cancer or (Hope to go that he doesn't though)


If he does get sick, it's not like you can get it from him. And I know it sucks even just seeing it or hearing about it, just imagine how he feels.


I hope it all works out.

[mbs730]

I do thank you very much but it still doesnt help me
regarding my emet, especially how it affects me. Again its not just
that I am a little bothered by others even him being sick... I am
deathly phobic of it! Well lets just hope this is all a moot point and
the results will come back negative everytime. To be honest I also have
other concerns about this too. If I state them, well you will really
think I am horrible for even thinking about this, especially under
these circumstances. Well I have to go for now.</font>