Learning To Be OK with Him Going Out

[asianeko]

Thank you in advance for reading my massive wall of text

Okay, to start this off I need you to know I am NOT a controlling or demanding girlfriend. We both play video games, and he only has one friend I dislike. I'm not the sort of girl to tell him he can't hang with that friend, instead I'm working to get to know him better and spend time with him as well.

My bf and I have been living together for two years. In that two years, he's drank too much and gotten ill at night twice (there was another time before we lived together as well, but I'm not counting that one... dunno why. Maybe I don't want to rewrite my first sentence? lol). He doesn't usually go out drinking, but he likes to have a beer or three with dinner. He actually enjoys the taste. ANYHOW, these two nights of him being ill has ruined sleeping for me.

The first time he did it he was asleep, and it surprised him as much as it surprised me. I wasn't mad, just terrified. I ran downstairs crying and screaming. Thankfully his friend was there to take care of him. I didn't sleep the rest of the night. The next two nights we had "camp outs" in the living room because I couldn't sleep in bed or directly beside him. on the third we moved bedrooms (which we had been planning to do anyhow), flipped the mattress, and bought a memory foam mattress topper. It still took over 3 months for me to sleep through the night.

The second time was this past Halloween. He drank a bit too much again, though this time made it out of the bedroom. I still heard it!! Thankfully I slept through the first two waves he had, but his final one woke me, and I ended up sleeping in the car. I used to go downstairs and sleep on the couch, but we have an apartment now so on the couch I can still hear it. That night I was very angry. He had promised he wouldn't drink enough to be sick! I was really hurt, since he knew how much terror and pain it causes me. I swore that night I was sick of being so scared, and being unable to help him if he ever needed it.

I went to three hypnotherapy sessions, and they have helped tremendously. I'm not scared to leave the house anymore, I'm not super nervous about what I eat, and I can sleep almost all the way through the night. I haven't been on the couch in a little while, and I'm almost back to sleeping with the lights off. (I know, I'm so pathetic lol)

Here, finally, is what I'm getting at: My current situation. Halloween he drank at a restaurant we frequent called The Pub. Since then, I have only gone once, and I get super nervous if he goes without me. He hasn't had more than one beer each time he's gone (He knows it makes me anxious). In my head, I know he's only having one. My body and the anxiety don't listen! I caught myself texting him earlier, telling him I needed to know if he had just one, and I was sorry that I even had to ask. He's very understanding, and replied with something along the lines of "Yes, I'm only drinking one and I'm drinking it very slow so it lasts me the whole dinner, because that's what you wish." He's very nice and loving about it, but I know it bothers him. He's too polite to tell me.

I'm just scared that the emet will finally bug him to a point where he gets too frustrated. I know he wouldn't leave me, or go out and get so drunk he'd be ill just to vent the anger. He's not like that. But my body (or anxiety, emet, however you want to say it) is terrified it'll get to that point. And I'm more scared of him drinking until he's ill to get revenge than I am of him leaving. I'm ashamed to say that. I mean, I know he won't leave, and I know he wouldn't get rage drunk. But, my emet doesn't accept this.

How can I stop being so scared of him going to the Pub? It's a great place to eat, and I don't want to ask him to not go. Why can't I be okay with him going, and why do I have to check up on him to be okay?

[aaronsd]

Just my personal opinion... the issues may be more deep rooted than you're saying... non emet related... do you trust him with everything else? You have to have that level of trust to even think about trusting him with something that causes you anxiety. If you can fully trust him, then you have to just supress those intrusive thoughts and not text/call him... this is what CBT does... I did it for my OCD... and its like a bell curve... you will spend about 30 minutes screaming and crying but eventually the anxiety will calm down and the intrusive thought will gradually go away within a few hours... the next time it happens... the peak will be less and less, until eventually there's no anxiety at all... and the compulsion (checking on him) will stop.

The hardest part of this is forcing yourself past the compulsion (having the will power)... sometimes an external motivator is necessary... ie, he turns off his phone and takes your car keys as an example... but you can try it once with your own will power and see if you can manage.... maybe even gradually work up to it... this time im not going to call him for 1 hour... next time 2 hours... then 3 hours... then not at all... you get what I'm saying?

[asianeko]

Yeah that sounds like a good idea. And yes, I trust him fully with everything else. I think the reason part of me doesn't trust him is because whenever he's throw up he's promised "I won't be sick" and then he still is. However, that wasn't limiting beer or anything, that was when he was out with friends and drank too quickly.

I know for certain that when he tells me it'll just be one, I know it'll just be one. But then the anxiety creeps in and thinks "well, you're not there, maybe it'll be three, or four, or seven." But I know he won't have more than one. I'm gonna try what you said and not text him and stuff. I didn't want to, and when I did it even said "I'm sorry to bother you and I already know the answer, but..."

It shouldn't be too hard, he doesn't even go out to drink :P He goes out for dinner and has a drink with lol. So we won't be looking at three hours I think I can do this. Thanks [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]