Does anyone keep a diary/journal

[pussinboots]

Hi, I am an emetophobic and can relate to everyone on here. My phobia is more manageable now than it was say twenty years ago when it was at its worst so it does get better believe me.


Just out of interest does anyone here keep a diary or journal? I do and I find this helps about most things aswell as the emet. What kind of diary do you keep and what do you do about privacy etc?

[princessmel]

I have a journal, but I haven't written in it in awhile. I too have found that it helps with anxiety/emet by writing down my feelings. I don't do anything about privacy b/c I trust my husband if that's what you mean. lol [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[pussinboots]

Hi, thanks for your reply. By privacy I must just being wary of anyone reading it, husband, friends or family etc. I carry my journal around with me so I like something light. What do you use for a journal? I don't write in mine every day, just when I feel the need. I do write about the emet, I had a panic attack last summer when I felt sick as a result of taking some antibiotics and the emet did come back then and writing in my diary during my lunch hour did help, which is why I like to carry it around.


I now live alone by the way but still worry about privacy.

[rhinoseri]

Over the summer (well, more like from Early June until Mid-July, I kept one. I wrote and wrote and wrote, it must have been 30 pages front and back, with tiny handwriting. I stopped most abruptly when I got home from camp, because I had nothing to write about. For the last 2 weeks before I went back to school, I seriously did nothing, so I had nothing to write about. At that point I started writing fiction stuff, that wasn't good at all. When school started back up again, and after about 20 pages of single spaced storyness, I quickly found out that you really needed to have a full time career as a writer if you wanted to do it at all. Since then I've not written at all on my own (that doesn't count school papers) Everything I did that summer went into my Jan-August '04 folder. (Pretty sad, I keep folders of stuff so I don't forget what happened.) I never ever intend to go back into that folder unless I have some strange urge to.


Anyways, I suppose I may start again in my journal thing (the one that I originally started in first grade, and kinda wrote on and off since then) I just really dont feel like "re-living" stuff right now. I seem to kind of do that through writing. Anyways, if I tried to write about stuff now, I'd probably end up writing about things that happened monthes ago. *seems to live off of memories*

[sarahx]

I keep diary, i write down all my feelings and worries etc. It helps to see i all in black and white then u can go over it and realise that actually maybe things werent as bad as i thought that day! Im doing a diary for CBT too which is brill! I dont care if my bf reads my diary, i have nothing to hide from him, so i dont worry about it!


Sarah xxx

[pussinboots]

Do you keep your diary in a folder of some sort then?

[izzybee]

I've tried to keep many diarys over the last few years/ I wish I had done so now If u look below this message u'l see a link to my 'emet diary' Its an online diary - and I jsut have a moan about emet! I only give the address to other emets or people I trust really well. I feel that it sometimes helps to write down how you feel- some times its a nice release so that you dont bottle everything up.

[Babydoll]

I have been writing in a diay since I was 6 years old. ( Im 22 now) lets just say i could fill as bookcase with all of my diaries. Its my favorite way to unwind and relax.

[Jenneh]

heya, welcome to our family,


yes, i do keep a diary, and yes i ahve ALWAYS and do even more so now worry about privacy. about a week ago my mother decided she wanted to have a look in it, found it, read it, and consequently tried to kill herself over it.


thanks mum.


so now im no where near as comfortable writing in it as i used to be. i used to let all my emotions out onto it, and it was a fantastoc way of releasing stuff... i wud recommend it to anyone.


but if u can, get one with a lock.. is much safer tht way!! <GRR>


Jen xxxxxx

[pussinboots]

Jen, thats awful that your Mum tried killing herself.


Do you keep your diary under lock and key now then? I find those that do have a lock on them aren't very stable to be honest. I have a tin at home with a sturdy double lock on that I keep my diaries in once they are full. The one I have on the go is usually in my handbag or my bedside drawer. This is why I wonder what kind of diary to use. The hard backed books are heavy to carry around and loose leaf paper seems convenient but would feel like writing on scraps of paper. Other ideas are maybe short hand notepads or exercise books. Anyone else got any ideas?

[purples]

I keep 2 online ones (one is more personal and the other one is themed and each journal is through a different online server). I also always keep a writing notebook with me so I can keep track of my thoughts. I am an avid writer and will write about anything at anytime on anything! I also kept one on and off throughout middle and high school -- but it turned from a diary/ journal into a "writing notebook" where I kept more than just my feelings - I would write stories and poems and write down my favorite quotes and everything.


My personal favorate types of things to write in are spiral notebooks that are about 3/4 the size of regular notebooks. I don't know the dimensions, but the size of them is perfect for me. I also like to write with ball point pens, preferably in blank ink. I have used actual diaries and bound books before too, as well as composition notebooks. I love composition notebooks though - especially wide ruled. But like I said, I will write on anything I always have something with me to write with and write on. I usually always carry a writing notebook with me, even if it means having more than one writing notebook going at a time.


Having an online journal is awesome too though, because I love typing and getting my thoughts out that way. You can keep all entries private for only you to see. There are many places to host journals and most of them have communities you can post to too, like a community journal of people who have things in common. I love having the ability to get feedback, support, and encouragement through having an online journal.


In terms of privacy, well - I keep the stuff I don't want others to know about online locked with security features through the journal sites. I also do not give out my username to people I don't want reading it. My roommate knows I keep online journals and she only has my themed journal username to read my stuff. I have told my friends I keep an online journal and when they ask for my username, I tell them no if I don't want them reading it. If people really want to find me online, they can search me out... Otherwise, I will give the username to people and they can read and respond to me if they wish.


At home, my family has never really bothered me. I kept all of my online stuff this summer locked online, but now I have many posts open to the public. To be honest, I don't know if my family has read my stuff -- but they have always told me they would not read my personal journals that I kept in my bedroom and I am assuming they would do the same for online stuff. They have always respected my privacy in terms of what I write because they know how important it is to me. I also know my family has more important things to do than to read my journal!


Writing helps me period. I can get what is going on inside my head out and it can calm my anxiety, but it can also encourage my anxiety because I will sit and manifest about what is going on and make the situation worse for me in my head.

[pussinboots]

Thanks Purples this is interesting. I favour the written more than the computer journal though what you do online does sound interesting.


When you say you keep more than one writing book going does that mean you sort of cross reference, say date your jornals and write in more than one at at a time? I once tried just writing in a bound book at home and a lighter notebook when I am out and about for ease of carrying it around but found it got confusing doing that. Do you find this?

[purples]

I will literally write in anything I have on hand - even if it means scraps of notebook paper that then get recopied elsewhere or put into one of the folders in my writing notebook or even stapled/ taped into my notebook.


I always date my journals. I always write the date - usually not so much the time of when I wrote them, but the calendar date.


In terms of confusion, I usually don't get all that confused. I know what notebooks I am currently writing in and usually have a vague idea of what I have written about in which notebook. I can usually remember which notebook I had with me at a critical time that I want to look up and see if anything was written down about. Some of my older journals are either dated or numbered if I was writing through them fast enough.


Sometimes I cross-reference, but usually it is more in terms of general topics. My online journal gets the brunt of my emotions when I have access to a computer(at least that isMY current trend)and sometimes I type up portions of my written journal into my online one if I have not had computer access for a few days. I don't intentionally "double write", but sometimes it happens because my emotions or thoughts or feelings seem to wander onto similar topics if I write in more than one journal at a time - but things get expressed differently depending on the context and climate.


For example, I have a seriously personal online journal that I keep. This journal has a lot of the day-to-day dramas of life in it. My other online journal is more themed in terms of I get on certain topics, write down random observations from my life, discuss general philosophical topics, and keep my journal less directly personal - but very personally connecting. My real-life written journals keep whatever is going on in my life in them -- they can be written in from once a week to ten times a day to whenever the urge strikes me to write something downor get something out.


The online thing is new to me in the past few months, butIcompletely love it now. I wasn't ready for one until the end of the summer and I am glad I thought through my options for oneto find the perfect place to host my thoughts.My journal is very customized (it is not a paid account either) and it really has a very personal feel to it that I believe expresses my personality. It is really a different way to express yourself and it allows for feedback and support from others. I found it to be a whole new mode of journalling because some of my entries are public for the whole world to read, while others are just for my eyes only.

[ontariogirl]

I keep a journal, I find it helps writing my feelings down, getting things off my chest. The other day I went into some of my journals back to 97 and I couldnt believe some of the things that I wrote down. I find it amazing what I wrote down at that particular momentswhen my child had the flu. How frightened I was, frozen with fear. I find it helps so much keepinga journal.

[pussinboots]

Purples, just out of interest how long does it take you to fill up a notebook? Do you put odd bits of paper into a binder (which you refer to as a folder).


Ontario girl, I find it helpful reading past journals though I admit I threw out ten years worth of journals about two years ago because I suddenly got paranoid about someone reading them, even though I live alone. I felt a sense of relief when I threw them out but soon started to regret it and I still regret it to this day. I started writing again but started censoring what I was writing but my counsellor has urged me to write what I want and not worry about it being read and take the attitude that if someone reads it and don't like what they see then its their fault for violating my privacy in the first place. Would you ever throw out your journals? Sometimes I do write sensitive stuff, ie when I am angry with my brother or a close friend and afterwards when the matter is resolved and I feel OK with them again I feel guilty for what I wrote when I was angry but I am not going to throw out any of my writing again just on the remote off chance that particular person may find it.

[intuitive1]

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<TD id=HB_Focus_Element vAlign=top width="100%" background="" height=250 UNABLE="off">hey guys- i used to keep a journal back 15 years or so ago - its so intriguing now for me to see what my thoughts were and how they've changed - its good for reading the times when things were really bad and reflecting on it- looking back and realising that i blew something way out of proprtion and it was my own self that created the negative event not the actual situation afterall!!! it helps me re-look at how i deal with things and also the times where things are 'bad; i can remember that ive gone through worse and dealt with it - its like a pep talk - good c.b.t to yourself!!!!! also i am a firm believer in expressing 'everything' my problem growing up is that i wasnt allowed a 'voice' so now i have one and if i am open and honest with every thought i feel- no holding back - i am free, its like a big release as its not all kept inside - if i ever think or feel 'horrid things' about someone - i write it all down and then later- if i feel differently i re-write how i feel- so- if that person does inadvertantly come across my journal and read the 'nasty' bits - they will also read the 'good' bits and hopefully sum up that i am no different to anyone else - we all get mad at people sometimes, feel things we think we 'shouldnt' feel etc but we forget that we are only human and not meant to be perfectly in control of our emotions all the time !!!!i found that by writing about my feelings towards my family etc it helped me stop bottling them up or blowing them up at the actual person- it was less harmful to write it privately than to release it in person and regret the effect it has .as u can tell- i love to write- so i'll shut up now,.....sorry y'all!!!!!!lisa</TD></TR>
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[pussinboots]

Hi Lisa, you seem to love writing as much asI do. I agree that when your feelings change again towards someone you've been angry with, they would then read that part if they did happen to read your journal. However, I do still worry about the 'angry' bits that I write. I guess I sort of shy away from keeping loose leaf paper because then I would be tempted to destroy any negative entries and that would go against the whole purpose of keeping a journal, if I just kept the 'nice' bits in there and nothing else.


An example of my guilt is - recently my brother took his inlaws away for the weekend. That made me angry, not because I resent him doing anything for them, I don't, but he wouldn't do anything like that for me and my Mum. Mum is in a home with dementia and although he visits her regularly, I can't criticise him for that, he rarely takes her out like I do. Anyway I was so mad about this weekend trip that I had to vent it in my journal as I felt it was so unfair. But then, last month when it was my birthday my brother invited me and Mum out for a meal as a treat for my birthday. Not the same as a weekend away I know but still a nice gesture, he needn't have bothered at all and it touched me that he did. I then felt guilty for the angry bits I'd written about him taking his inlaws away for the weekend. But I then wrote in my journal that he'd done something nice for me and Mum and how much I appreciate it and that had lessened my anger from before. But.... I still worry incase he ever sees the angry bit I wrote, though it very unlikely he will. How the Hell do you stop the guilt?


A friend of mine made the suggestion of writing on loose leaf paper so that I can hide it easily in a zipped part of my handbag and put it straight in a binder when I get home and that way the whole journal isn't on me for anyone look at. Its ideal from a privacy point of view but rather like writing on scraps of paper and I'd be afraid of them getting tatty in bag. Anyone else rate this method?Edited by: pussinboots

[ontariogirl]

Pussinboots; No I wouldn't throw my journals away, I am not too worried about anyone reading them, it states Personal on the front and so far no one has read them. I think if someone did maybe they would understand me a lot better maybe that is just wishful thinking.

[pussinboots]

Lisa, you're right. I guess I am just paranoid as I have had my diaries read in the past though that was a long time ago.


What do you use as a journal just out of interest, what type of notebook?

[intuitive1]

hey pussinboots- i dont think you are paranoid at all- just wary that your true thoughts and feelings are stated in black and white for all to see should they come across them- often what we may write is not the same as what we may say to another person!!! the thing is though- i can totally understand why you felt the feelings that you did and because you , like most people in the u.k dont often get to voice an opinion for fear of huting or offending someone - it all gets bottled up inside and it needs to be released somewhere- journals are the best way to express every thought and feeling freely- it helped me to overcome some of my abuse issues etc- to write exactly as i felt - without any guilt at all as i new the person would never read it and if they did - like ontario girl says- maybe they would understand better- we all have feelings of insecurity or rejection issues- why be ashamed that they trigger an angry reaction from us- my sister knows how to push my buttons so well- my step mum is one of the nastiest , vindictive women i have ever met- yet i still seek her approval and always act so sweet to her - but in my journal - ahaha!!! the truth exists!! all the crappy mean things she makes me feel - its a good vent- then - out of the blue she'll do something 'out of charactor' and be nice to me- at first i felt really guilty and wondered if i had been over sensitive in her treatment of me - that maybe it was just my insecurity etc but its not - its just that she is thoughtless and critical of me 90% of the time but every now and then she cant help but show she cares- she's only human and has her own jealousies and insecurities towards me - so if i understand her better it makes it easier to deal with- i can accept that it hurts me but i can choose how i react to that. guilt is far too easy an emotion to take on - its very self punishing- a bit like emetophobia - have you ever thought of typing a journal to disk and carrying a little 'diskette' box round with you- write stuff like - geography on it or a school subject - if u r at school that is- if not- maybe pop band names - so that your family wouldnt sus it if they did come across it- the thing is.... a diary is a hard thing to not read once found- if we are all honest- we would admit that given the opportunity we would like to know what our loved ones truly think of us ... problem is this- what if - something hurtful is written and it destroys the relationship for good- when in reality- it may be true that your sister had that opinion of you- but later on , when she'd calmed down , she realised she had over reacted and 9 times out of ten we forget to add that bit in - we write about the stress and not the good stuff- i think we all lash out and say mean things in our journal sometimes- deserving or not- why feel guilty - we are no different to the person reading it- they think things like that about others too- whether they write it in a journal or not is irrelevant- its not like you have gone up and attacked them verbally is it?i truly believe that its a good way to look at how certain people are making us feel and whether those relationships are 'healthy' for us to keep- also- its a good way to get to know our own selves- how easily we look for the negative- for the rejection- the critism etc- i believe sometimes the reason we care so much about what others think is because their opinion if hurtful may already be one we have of ourselves- a bit like a reflection- other times though - its maddening - like if my sis has this opinion of me and i know she is wrong but i cannot argue - she's entitled to it and i can only hope that in time she can choose to adapt it and see me differently instead. lisa- puss in boots- we may have to do private mails soon - we do chitter chat alot!!! thats why i usually type if i journal - my brain moves quicker than my pen !!!! but if i do use a boook - i like small A5 size hardback or spiral books and an A4 one too!!!!sometimes i keep what i write- sometimes i dont - but i think mainly i have soooo many thoug

[purples]

pussinboots - When I am only writing by hand, I can fill up a notebook in a few weeks, depending on it's size and what is going on in my life. When I write in it on and off or use more than one notebook, it can be months or even a year. Right now, my handwritten notebooks are filling up much slower because I'm writing so much online. But when I cannot get to my computer, my writing notebook gets much more attention.


When it comes to the random things I write, I usually keep them in a folder or I literally staple or tape them into a written journal or simply transcribe them into the computer for future inspiration. I am finding lots of little odd things I have written over the last 4.5 years as I am packing up my dorm room to leave college in two weeks. I am going to stick them all in one place and then probably put them together in a notebook somewhere and then add THAT notebook to my collection of randomnesses...


In terms of throwing out my journals, that would NEVER happen! I guard them with my life and enjoy reading back to when I was in middle-school and going through some difficult times. I find it ironic how my thought patterns have changed little, but they sure have matured.


A lot of people have mentioned journal content. My journals contain a wide variety of stuff and if people read it, then it is their eyes and mind that will be sore! I'm not ashamed of what I write or how I am feeling -- my feelings aremy feelings and my thoughts are my thoughts. If someone has a problem with my feelings and thoughts then it is their problem, not mine. I don't write in my journal for anyone else -- I do it for me. As long as I am comfortable with the content, then everyone else should just mind their own lives!

[pussinboots]

Hi again Purples and Lisa


I could write about journalling forever! Where do you store all your filled in notebooks, especially if they only last a few weeks sometimes, do you find you run out of space for them? Would you consider the loose leaf and binder method a good idea at all? Once I have filled my current journal (which is a lovely hard backed notebook my friend bought me with a cat on the front and multi coloured pages inside but just not practical) I want to start a new method and stick with it.


Re the privacy issue, somehow it didn't bother me before when I wrote in those journals I destroyed two years ago. I would leave it in my bag, leave it out on the bed when my then husband was in the house on his own. I wrote in it whatever I felt I needed to write at the time, regardless of whether it was good feelings or bad, but somehow two years ago I suddenly became paranoid about privacy.


I guess though that life is full of what-ifs and we could censor our journals, be careful what we write in them, destroy them or even stop writing in them altogether as I once did for a while to avoid our privacy being violated but we could do all this and deprive ourselves of offloading into our journals and it may turn out that no one would ever see them after all.


Another issue I think of, and this is morbid I know, but what if someone reads them after I am gone. Once we are gone we cannot control who looks through our personal things and someone will have to and it won't be classed as being nosey in those circumstances. I know once we are gone does it matter what people may think but I'd like to think that people will think fondly of me and not see me as someone who wrote angry things about them - 'and I thought she was my friend!' they may think if they read where I got angry with them one day.


Another worry - I am a born worrier as you have probably gathered by now - but I wonder what will ever happen if I become unable to write one day, I simply need to write in a journal. My hands ache now sometimes with constantly using a computer and what if I get arthiritis in my hands as I get older. Writing on the computer, talking into a tape will not be the same as writing in my journal.


I do appreciate your thoughts and ideas on this topic.


As for my emet, when it was at its worst about twenty years ago I don't remember keeping a journal then but the therapist I was seeing at this time urged me to make a chart and fill in when I got anxious and what had triggered that anxiety off. I wish I'd have kept that now but I threw it away. It would be interesting to see what the triggers were to my panic attacks then. I wish I'd have kept a proper journal in those days to compare my panic then to how it is now.

[intuitive1]

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hi purples- good on you for writing what you feel and not being afraid to say it- i agree that our thoughts are our own and we dont just 'feel' like getting negative thoughts towards someone without some thing we feel they have done to create that. whether we have exagerated the situation or not- its what we feel at that moment , its caused a reaction and i think its healthy to vent that in a book sometimes-


hi pussinboots- my , my, you do worry!! meant in the fondest way!!!![img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]i think you need to write in what feels 'right' for you-there are no rules with this - its a personal preference- you seem to find loose leaf more practical and i think its a good idea as paper is always on hand when you least expect to have the urge to write- you can journal to your hearts content - discreetly on a bit of paper tucked away back in your bag until you get home to place in a binder- you could even then section the binder by days as is usual- or positive thoughts, negative thoughts, feelings, people etc in categories ......its good to have as much positive stuff in them as 'releasing;' stuff too , i think.


As for anyone reading them- i am sure that if they truly know you well- they would see that your thoughts are a reflection on how you feel in your life in general- nothing is purposely directed as an attack against them- more an observation on how you are reacting to them at times- we all feel 'off' about our nearest and dearest at times- to write the truth only to feel guilt about it is counterproductive- its like saying we dont own the right to the thought in the first place- a journal is meant to be private - its not as if you have taken over a bill - board to get your message over to someone- gosh- i've given you an idea now havent i?????[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]if they do inadvertantly or purposely happen to read your thoughts , i think it is then for them to look beneath the words and realise that yes- you have thought and felt this and they may feel hurt or saddened by it - but- we all feel things like that about each other all the time and really when in their company i would imagine that the majority of the time there are good thoughts and feelings going on. so they would need to put it into perspective- personally- as for the 'when i'm gone.....' bit- i would add a note at the begginning of each journal or binder to state that the thoughts i have are not intended to hurt anyone- i am being truthful about my feelings and the book is a means of self discovery and expression- that i do genuinly care for those around me and i know they care for me- but we are human and those we are closest too do push our buttons at times - so rather than attack them in person, i choose to write my reaction in this book- that should clear things up for any one reading it-


i know it may not feel the same for you to type or read your journal- but i am sure if you really had to - you could adapt too- if your arthritis gets so bad that you truly cannot write at all i am sure you can find a comfortable way to still express these thoughts- think of it like this- once apon a time we didnt even know how to write- but we learnt and practised til it felt like 2nd nature- the same could be for you typing or reading out your thoughts one day.... i do empathise and know it wont be the same but at least u could still express yourself- have you looked into treatment for the arthritis or support on the wrists- easy to grip , specialist pens etc - these may also be ways to work round the discomfort of it. well- good luck with the journalling- it seems as if you have found your vocation- i , for one, would be honoured and intrigued to read the life of such a dedicated journal writer- it is a rare insight in to each

[rhinoseri]

I'm quite paranoid as well. I also wonder sometimes "who will look at my stuff when I die?" or "what if I die now, and everyone sees my stuff?" In fourth grade I made up my own alphabet, memorized it, and wrote nearly everything in it.


Anyways, I wrote a big five page entry last night, just since it's been weeks and weeks.

[party_boi3423]

Ive got an internet diary...


http://www.livejournal.com/users/christian_chris/

[izzybee]

lol. I've been writig my diary since this post started too! I'm not getting carried away - but I'm writing a page a night. I'm finding it a really good release of my feelings! I'm going to buy myself a nice new diary for the new year - aybe it will inspire me to write more!

[pussinboots]

Lisa, thanks again, you are so helpful. I don't have arthiritis at all, I just worry incase I do get it one day and won't be able to write. This is how much I worry - I worry about things that might not even happen.


I feel the binder method will be convenient, I just wonder if it will feel more like writing on scraps of paper. There is something about a book that you can go back to the most recent entry and start writing from there. However, convenience has to take precedence I suppose and that way I may not worry so much about someone going in my handbag and seeing a whole journal - a sheet or so of paper may not mean that much for them enough to pry.


I know what you mean about feelings and thoughts, they are natural and we all have them. Anyone close to us, if they did read our journals they wouldn't be human if they didn't understand that we all get disgrunted with people at some stage, even our nearest and dearest as you say and writing down our thoughts doesn't mean we feel like this about them all the time but some people take things more personally if they are written down. For instance I always think if you say to someone 'you get me so mad' they can soon forget it but if they saw the comment written down about them they could think you still hold a grudge because you've written it down. However, it helps me far far more to write down the fact that someone is annoying me rather me saying it to them. If I said it to them I would still have to write it down aswell to get it off my chest more. I just worry incase anyone close did read my journal and took the nark permanently and it spoilt a friendship/relationship altogether but then if that were to happen I would have to tell myself it is they who are being petty. It would hurt me more if my family read my journal rather than a friend as if a friend takes the nark you can always get more friends but you can't with family.


Incidentally, one of my friends has taken the nark and this is nothing that I have written about her that she has seen. She's taken the nark because I wouldn't give into her and do what she wanted on my birthday! This goes to show that some people can take the nark over anything when there's no reason for them to do so therefore I am certainly not editing my journal for the fear that she would ever read it. I have called her a selfish so and so in my journal and if she ever did read it, well thats exactly what she is, I am telling the truth. Its just that some people can't take the truth and refuse to admit they've done or said anything wrong. But I guess we need to say 'thats their problem, I have the right to feel how I feel and if I get angry and I need to release it my journal then I have the right to do this and they don't have the right to snoop'.

[intuitive1]

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friends eh- poor pussinboots- they can indeed get huffy if we dont play the game they'd like us to at times. i guess its true that most of us hide behind our little masks in fear of showing our true selves- its rare that we can truly trust another not to take advantage of us if we were to share our weaknesses etc- growing up , i belonged to a big group of about 20 of us - males and females alike- we were out together all the time etc - i always have enjoyed what i call 'people watching' it fascinates me how we all interact with one another and how we react differently to certain situations- i admit that back then i was prime place for 'putting on the 'happy face' i never said what i truly thought or felt- for fear of offending others or by being takien advantage of etc , i let so many people take advantage of me.... so many in that group , including me went out all 'pretending' to be people we actually weren't at all - just to 'fit in' and be acceptable within the group. It stands to reason that as soon as i began to look at myself deeper and changed myself into becoming more 'real' i was 'ousted' by the group- they found me too confrontational etc - i was needing to be honest about who i was and what i felt- but we had all become so used to the 'facade' that it seemed so 'up-front' and too deep to deal with. I ended up finding other friends who were more inclined to 'be real' and not hide behind themselves etc but still- it hurts that most people are critical and do judge you- I didnt expect anyone to be 'real' the way i was- but just to accept that for me, it felt 'better' to be able to be open and honest but its hard to be more open as it does leave you vulnerable- there needs to be so much trust in the friendship to share that much of yourself- its hard to find friends like that - but i'd rather have one or two that i know are upfront with me and know me than 30 that i dont even know or trust at all. Also - it is upsetting that for me - it was a part of my growing up that i look more deeply at who i was and what i was trying to 'project ' outwardly- when i dis-mantled the illusion- it did leave me defenceless for a while.. so losing those friends did hurt - but had i not done so , i could have become so caught up in the 'facade' that eventually i would have believed thats who i was - and lost my true self in the process- there are so many faces we put on for different situations- one for friends- one to lovers - one at school- one at work etc - why is it that we feel the need to please others so much so that we adapt who we are and how we express to a more suitable and acceptable form - in order to be liked and accepted? i like the truth as it scares me far more to not know what someone really thinks- i dont like guess work- i like everything open and honest - that way you can work through stuff together- but not many people feel this way- probably why i am so alone eh!!!!???!!!!


The thing we fear the most is fear itself............


If I create my fear - I can Release my fear......</TD></TR>
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[pussinboots]

Hi Lisa, still no word from my 'friend'. I am just holding out now and waiting for her to get in touch with me. I have tried but she seems to want to play silly games so the ball is in her court now.


I know what you mean that its better to have a few good loyal friends that a lot of untrustworthy ones or ones who are only out for themselves and don't treat you as an equal.


For years I have let people use me and now I am just starting to find the courage to put my foot down more and not allow myself to be manipulated as much. At one time this friend's distance from me would have upset me greatly but now I am seeing more as her problem as I know I have done nothing wrong so I refuse to be sent on a guilt trip about it.


I have always been lead to believe before that if you are assertive with people they respect you more but in this case my friend has turned against me but she is a very stubborn person anyway and always thinks she's in the right. I just need to leave her to come round, this won't stop me being assertive again when I need to be. I hope not anyway.


I haven't written in my journal for a couple of weeks would you believe? I think its time I got up to date with it. I tend to write more when I am upset or annoyed and when I feel reasonably OK then I will write say once a week or so to update it. Do you find this happens with you?

[intuitive1]

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hey there pussinboots- i am guilty of not writing in my journal for months now- i have been so tied up with everything day to day that i literally havent had the time- plus- as u can tell by my mails- just one event can have me writing a novel so when i have like 50 things a day that i want to express its all just too much to write!!!!!As for your friend, its sad but very true that people dont like it when you change your personality a bit- like becoming more assertive etc and not so subservient- i lost my best friend due to this- as soon as i became ill - it was like everything had to be about her and how it made her feel etc - as if i was trying to hurt her on purpose or something- she was trying to gain everyones sympathy etc and play the 'my poor friend is dying routine' i didnt know why she felt she needed to do this when i was asking for no help or sympathy at all- i had been there 4 her when she lost her boyfriend, her mum etc and yet if i am honest i have faced more in my life than she could even imagine and yet she would never let me feel as if i could share it with her- it was like i always had to play 'therapist' to her and being quite optimistic etc and confident i think it just shook her up when i suddenly became so ill and different - i had to focus more on me and my health but she was so used to me putting her before myself that she felt she had to get angry instead- i spent so much time- and still do- making allowances and trying to compensate for my illness and the effects it has on others that i am a bit of a doormat !!!!! i think when we have that 'label' we tend to feel inadequate and not equal to our peers etc so we seem to over please them and stand down to their needs before our own- at times when we decide to make a stand - as you have - it rocks the boat and they go all huffy with the silent treatment etc- i call this 'passive aggression' its a form of emotional blackmail and manipulation that they may not fight and scream at you but will just do the 'cold shoulder' thiing and be stubborn- hoping you'll run to them and apologise - my advice is - dont - unless you truly feel you were in the wrong and need to make amends - it is just as confrontational and aggressive to 'shut someone out' as it is to have a fight. i have had this happen to me so many times and fell for it each time- even though i KNEW i had done nothing to feel sorry for - i couldnt bear the unspoken tension etc and because i was ill- i always question the negative stuff fed to me over the years- 'its all you lisa- you are exagerating it, blowing it out of proportion, you are over sensitive etc etc ' now- i dont buy into it because i know that despite my illness i have as much right to an opinion as anyone - i dont need to apologise for this and i am not to blame for this- its easy to become everyones 'scapegoat' and and we make a good wall for them to hide behind because - in being honest about our problems etc we are putting ourselves out there- at the risk of blame, critism and judgement - sometimes people cant help but use this an excuse to allow their own behaviour and blame you for all that happens in the relationship- because 'your the one thats ill- not me etc' i took this on for so long until i realised i was lying to myself and feeling resentful- its harmful to self-punish for an illness and others guilt and blame doesnt help , it hinders - so now i try to stand tall and say - yes i have an illness but i am still human- i have the same thoughts and feelings as anyone else and just because i have this problem it does not mean i am responsible or accountable for everyone else or the way it makes them feel- - i dont need to justify it or make up for it- i can be accepted as i am - despite my problem- because we all have problems- hang-ups etc - at least we are brave e