NOT AGAIN

[sbias]

A young guy from Texas moves to
California and goes to a big store looking for a job. The manager says,
"Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a
salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave
him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and
see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got
through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How
many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a
day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss
says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" The kid says, "First I
sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I
sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I
asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I
told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer." The boss said,
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and
truck?" The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for
his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go
fishing." </font>

[sbias]

The 21 Slimmest Books



<div align="left">21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda
20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by HILLARY CLINTON
16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
13. MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide
9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by DR. J. Kevorkian
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ....
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton, with introduction by the Reverend Jessie Jackson
</font></div>





<a name="c"></a>

[sbias]

Honest post in another forum I visit.....



<div align="left">My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
</font></div>





<a name="c"></a>

[sbias]

<div align="left">A woman awakes
during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on
her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at
the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to
be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a
tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The
husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The
husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making
love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The
husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail
for 20 years?"
"I remember that too", she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."
</font></div>





<a name="c"></a>

[sbias]

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.
2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.
3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
Polaroids.
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick.
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho Cheese.
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.
7. WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quattro cinco.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk.
9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.
10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.
11. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef.
12. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.
13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.
14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.
16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the dirt bag.
17. WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKY DIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.
19. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.
20. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.
21. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A WEST VIRGINIA DIVORCE THE SAME?
Either way, somebody's gonna lose a trailer.</font>

[sbias]

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" He asks
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.
"Don't be silly " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on".
She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.
Three
days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him
with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks "What was that for?"
His wife said, "Your f**kin' horse called" </font>

[sbias]

Since there are so many women here, this one os for you



1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
3. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
4. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
5. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
7. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.
10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
11. When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
12. Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
13. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
14. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
15. Man says to God:; "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you." </font>

[sbias]

A woman got on a bus holding a
baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the
ugliest baby I''ve ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."
"You''re right," she said. "I think I''ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That''s a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." </font>

[faith-marilyn]

hahahahahaha - ive been laughin for ages at that, ta! great to see you back mate anyway, hope your alright xxx

[alliecat]

You Always have the best jokes!


Allie

[wing]

Lol!

[r311dude]

Boss

[jennyleigh1975]

Those were so funny!!!! I needed a laugh!! Thank you!!!!

[sbias]

A guy meets a childhood pal.
"What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old
friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says
the guy. "Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've
got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so
your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to
jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son
become a fireman?" "No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who
are dancers." </font>

[sbias]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The
bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only
beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." </font>

[sbias]

<div align="left">A man walked up
to a farmhouse and knocked on the door. When a woman opened the door,
the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the
door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not
amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave. Later that
evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay
home the following day just in case the man returned. Sure enough, the
next day, the man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife
answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have
sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?" "Good," said the man at
the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and
tell him to stay the hell away from my wife!"
</font></div>





<a name="c"></a>

[sbias]

A blind man is walking down the
street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy
intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming
by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of
traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as
panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind
man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other
side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat
pocket and offers it to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near
fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man,
"Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got
you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and
replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass." </font>

[sbias]

<div align="left">A woman is cheating with her husband's best friend when the phone
rings. She hops out of bed to answer it. She says, "Hello. OK. Bye."
"Who was that?" asks the guy. "Just my husband," she replies. "Oh,
crap, I'd better get out of here. Did he say where he was?" "Don't
worry," says the woman. "He said he's down at the bar playing a few
games of pool with you."
</font></div>





<a name="c"></a>

[sbias]

A husky, 6-foot-5 man is sitting
in the park, cramming his mouth with chocolate bars. An old man nearby
says, "You really shouldn't eat all that chocolate, you know. It isn't
very good for you. The big guy looks at him and says, "My grandfather
lived until he was 103." "Oh, really," sneered the older man. "Did he
eat lots of chocolate bars every day?" "No," the big guy replies, "but
he minded his own damned business." </font>

[donna1216]

The slimmest books had me going, I love Jane Fonda and Bill Clinton jokes!

[sbias]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."</font>

[sbias]

More????????

[x hannah x]

MORE MORE MORE!!!
Hee hee, I'm a greedy child. Love the surgery joke!

[HDogg]

Oh man! Remind me to go pee BEFORE I read these jokes! I almost wet myself! Haahahahahsahahahahahaha! *spits water out nose*

[sbias]

Hannah........ I was looking at your post and then saw the little
bouncy thing... I was in tranced by it.......... I swear I stared at
that thing for like a minute...... Is that part of an evil plan to take
over the world?

[sbias]

I have a new goal!!! To make Hdogg pee herself! Admit it no joke I
could tell would be as funny as Hdogg, peeing herself while reading the
IES forums....



COULD YOU IMAGINE HAVING TO EXPLAIN THAT......



"Honey you wet yourself what happened?"

"Oh I seen something funny on a web site I go to."

"Really must be a funny site what is it?"

"It's emetophobia.org, it is web site for people that are uncomfortable being sick."

"oh.................." Then they back away slowly.

[x hannah x]

Hannah........ I was looking at your post and then saw the little bouncy thing... I was in tranced by it.......... I swear I stared at that thing for like a minute...... Is that part of an evil plan to take over the world?
I have no idea what you are talking about! *shifty eyes*

[sbias]

Of course you don't..... (Robotic voice)



All bow before Hannah......