feeling totally hopeless, does anybody feel like killing themselves?

[Ggirl]

I have had emet ever since i can remember it has been such a big part of my life, taking over everything i do, im constantly panicing, crying im so emotionally drained because of it.
I dont have a job. I dont have that many friends and i broke up with my bf because of it, i still live with my mum and im terrorfied of living alone, even though i crave that independence, ive been to therapy, joined forums, talked to other emets, i even tried a session of hypnotherapy, which seemed to work for a while. Not long though, i started having panic attacks and stressing about going outside in public.
Im tired of feeling like a burden on my family, their amazing people and i feel so selfish for making them deal with all my problems.
i recently dumped my bf because he couldnt understand just how terrofied i was, i would go to his house and just want to stay in doors. He didnt mind at first but after a while he got annoyed and i dont really blame him. I never really told him why until the break up. I know i should have talked to him about it now, but its too late, it ruined everything.
I just feel like I ruin everything around me because im constantly anxious, and angry...so angry. I'm so worried i will never feel normal, will i ever get married and have kids. I keep thinking no one will want somebody as crazy and as @%#...! up as me
I wish this phobia would go away im so sick of living my life in fear!!!!!!!!
I'm so tired i dont feel my age at all. I just want it to end.

I'm just wondering if anybody feels the same, that they just want to end it?

[gcepeda]

yesssss i feel exactly the same way. i haveliterally hit rock bottom with this phobia and the thing that makes me the most sick is that im goig to have to spend ALL. of my money tryign to get help for it...i just cant do it on my own. but if it could potentially cure me of this fucking evil phobia, i will do anything...i just feel hopeless too i feel like there really is no cure, im so scared ill make big progress and not live in fear but then the second i see vomit again it will all come rushing back. it really is the most horrible condition in the world, and the worst part is that there is not one person in the world who will take us seriously! not even my own mother. well yesterday i had a total mental breakdwn on the phone with her so maybe she takes it a little more seriously now. im just so sick of it, i think ab dying all the time bc its better than living with anxiety all the time and not being able to have any fun, but i realize how much i would lose and my family and all the ppl who would be devastated if i did something to myself. im not depressed, but this phobia makes me depressed so its time to make it go away. its just a matter of changing our way of tihinking ab vomit.....we have to tell purselves that its jot even that gross, its just half digested food! haha...mmm well i dunno that might be hard. but anyway just hang in there, keep getting help for it, and keep exposing yourself bc i tihnk little by little it gets better that way...

[Ggirl]

Wow im so sorry, i know how hard it is to deal with, and it is frustrating when other people just laugh it off and think your weird, This phobia is pure evil, but i didnt realise that alot of people have it.
Its hard to want to keep going, because wer constantly worried that nothing will work, and if it does work and doesnt last long. It took my mum a long time to understand just how scary it is for me, she did a lot of research and now she sort of understands. But she still makes stupid jokes and i still feel like a total burden to her. lol i know what you mean about the (half digested food!) and i do try to think about it like that, but then i think about the details, how it smells, what it looks like and it freaks me out again.
Ive thought about ending it a number of times, but i couldnt do that to my family and friends, i dont even want to imagine how they would cope knowing that i killed myself, the guilt they would feel and how hurt they would be its just way too selfish.
Mental breakdowns suck, and so does this phobia,

[gcepeda]

i definitely dont think you should kill yourself...thats never a good solution no matter what. i know its just so hard to accept that you might just have to live with this shit forever....but there has to be a solution! ppl just dont understand how lucky they are that they can look at vomit and not care.... do you atleast know what caused it for you? dont end your life bc we re all here in the same boat with you (thank god not literally) and we are all searching for the solution. you just have to get help, its the only way. we are too fragile and weak to do it on our own....

[Ggirl]

I dont think i ever could, i just think about it when im really down. i couldnt do that to my family though.
i went to hypnotherapy, and i was taken back to when it first started, i was about 5 i got sick and my mum had shoved my head into the toilet, because i tended to v everywhere but the toilet. ever since then ive been terrorfied, its so weird because i actually felt like i was in the situation, my stomach felt like it was burning and my anxiety was through the roof. i felt 5 years old, i was talking to the lady like i was 5 i cried.
after the session i felt so much better, but a few weeks later i regressed back.
Ive made an appointment to see another psychologist. what caused it for you?

[gcepeda]

mine started i think bc of a boy in my 4th grade class that would throw up every day on the lunch table while i was eating. it was literally every day, i think at first it started bc he was sick for real, but then the boys in my class encouraged him to keep doing it and would make sick concoctions and he would it just to "fit in". and then he would puke and they would all laugh but they were just laughing at him.....not with him. and i prayed and prayed and prayed that he would move away and finally he did...but i think im really fucked up now bc of him.....
but i just made an appt with a psychologist and i feel SO HAPPY! i cant wait to get rid of this phobia forever!!!

[Ggirl]

omg thats awfull im so sorry. I use to dread going to school there would always be somebody that would be sick near me. I got so paranoid, i remember when a kid was eating crayons he threw up coloured v everywhere all over the table. it was disgusting.
people are so weird when it comes to fitting in.
thats awesome that you made an appointment,
ive made one too i cant wait to get rid it either

[olschesky]

sorry you are having a rough time right now.......i have had those down times also......feeling like things would never get better........but you've got to push yourself to get out......glad you made an appointment.....keep positive.

i have never had suicidal thoughs......but many nights i laid in bed wishing i could go to sleep and not wake up.........

good luck.....

[Ggirl]

thanks so much for the replies, having this phobia is hard, and sometimes u feel ok about things and then other times its just too much.
i lay in bed wishing also.

i made up this poem to sort of describe what goes on.
its probably silly but im one of those people who write down their feelings not talk about them.

.................................................. .........................................
THERE IS THIS THING THAT MAKES ME AFRAID
ITS SUCH A SILLY THING
IT SHOULDNT REALLY MATTER
BUT IT DOES
ITS SO POWERFUL THAT I FEEL MY HEART THUD
IT SOUNDS LIKE THUNDER
IM GOING TO DIE
SWEAT RUNS DOWN MY FOREHEAD
MY HANDS SHAKE
MY BREATH BECOMES RAGGERD
MY MIND RACES, GET OUT GET OUT
THIS IS DANGEROUS
THERE IS THIS THNG THAT MAKES ME AFRAID
ITS SUCH A SILLY THING
ITS NOT THE DARK
BUT IT IS A MONSTER
IT EATS ME UP INSIDE
I FEEL I HAVE NO STRENGTH
OTHERS LAUGH
THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND
FOR ITS SUCH A SILLY THING

IT SHOULDNT MATTER
BUT IT DOES..........

[olschesky]

awesome poem.......you have a talent are you on facebook? if so add me patty mcdermott lieb......just put a note that you are from ies....so i know

[Ggirl]

thanks i wrote it last nite
um yeah on on facebook, il add u