Its taken me 5 days to write this first post.

[hollybree]

Hello All,

I have been looking at this site on and off for a few years. To be honest just signing on or just goggling the word Emetophobia makes me anxious and I start to feel sick, but I have pushed through. I have suffered from Emetophobia since I was a child I am now 29. Like many of you I don't know when it started but it’s been a constant companion for as long as I can remember. It has been rolled up quite nicely with a number of other issues such as panic attacks, chronic migraine disease, severe depression, agoraphobia, OCD... I don't know where one stops and the others start. I have lost many friends because of this and the fact that I am so unreliable (and quite a miserable person to be around, I suspect). I have seen so many Dr's (for all of the above) that I don't remember most of their names. I am currently under a psychiatrist and a psychologist undergoing psychotherapy (which up until recently was making a difference to the general anxiety and depression). I have tried most other things, Rapid eye movement, hypnosis, CBT and so many medications, again too many remember all their names. But, none of this has worked. I have now been off medication for about 4 months after 15 years on; I got sick of it not helping. I do take Valium and an anti-emetic, plus pain killers for the migraines, but I try to use these sparingly as I don’t want them to stop being effective.
I have really struggled with living a normal life. From about the age 17, I have had trouble attending work or Uni regularly (I never finished my Degree) and have had about 3 and half years of not working much. This was due as much from the chronic migraines, anxiety and depression, which as you can imagine was closely linked to the fear of feeling sick. My agoraphobia and OCD kept worsening and improving over this time. When they did improve I would return to work (I was lucky enough to have kept my Job, they have been very understanding) for a few months, then I would have a terrible migraine or panic attack at work and would not be able to return for 6 or more months, fearing it would happen again in public. I am now back to this point. A few weeks ago I had d* and I know most emetaphobes don't fear this so much, but for me its 2nd in line. I then returned to work for a few days and then had a panic attack (which is essentially me feeling really sick and terrified I'll be v* and not know how I will get out or home... in addition to the sweating, trembling, heart racing...). Since last week I have been a total mess. I have been extremely anxious. Out of my head kind of anxious. I keep on have flash back and memories of times when I or someone else was sick in the past and I can’t stop cleaning. I feel like before I touch anything at all it has to cleaned with disinfectant. I have washed my hands and used do many chemicals that my hands are sore and irritated and I am getting eczema. I have thrown out anything I remember touching or wearing before during or after I had the d* and I don't want my husband to touch or kiss me because I feel he is contaminated form the outside world. My poor cats are getting ignored because I am also too afraid to touch them, and don’t want them to touch anything I might later touch (I love my cats, this is killing me). This is a familiar act for me. It has happened every time I have been V* or someone I am close to has, which unlike many of you tends to happen to me every 5 years or so (I wish I could say 20 years). I feel like every time I get better, I allow myself to get sick because I stop being so vigilant and then I go into this tail spin, rather than it desensitizing me it becomes bigger. I don't understand how many of you have been so successful in life with careers and qualifications and children. It seems impossible to me as I feel so unsafe all the time. I am writing this post to get this off my chest. I don't really have a question; I just felt it might help me to type this out. I hope no one minds my indulgence, but I would be really pleased to fear back from anyone. I really hope that we all find some peace with all of this. And I wish all of you the very best.

[hollybree]

Thank you EstherB for your message. Its really nice to hear from someone who understands. I'm sure your right, just waiting for things to swing back to a better place. I guess one step at a time. That is all anyone can do.

[olschesky]

welcome to the forum.....your story sounds alot like mine....like esther said emet seems to go in cycles......i've had it confine me to my home at times......but right now i'm in a good place and able to function pretty normally....as far as work and marriage goes.....i still have some issues with going on for a "fun night" i still prefer to stay home.......i know that at some point my life will get tough again......i try to remember the good times.

i do take prozac which has totally been a miracle drug for me........not obsessing constantly......

i hope you find some comfort in here......you are not alone.......we know exactly how you feel......

[naenae1213]

I'm new here too. For me, it was extremely helpful to just know that I'm not the only one that feels this way. I have 2 kids and they are pretty much the biggest trigger for me...since kiddos get sick a lot. I am constantly watching my 3 year old. If he even looks funny or tired, I'm just sure he's getting sick. Drives my husband insane. I had someone tell me last night, "You can't live paranoid all the time". If only it were that easy.....sigh

Just know that you are not alone. I think we can ALL relate!

[2u4u4ever.com]

Thank you hollybree for sharing all this!
You are not alone... I believe many of us in the forum feel like "emet light's" sometimes, but what we all have in common is that v* is so traumatic to us that it's like a war is going on in our heads or something. You'll never get used to that do you?
It seems like those cycles tends to only get worse for us when we have re-experienced our trauma - just like war veterans. I experience this too.

One thing that has helped me gain some control and relief in everyday life is to look for information about the lives of stomach viruses. Most likely they soon dries out on furniture, clothes and in the fur of pets etc. and cannot harm you. I could on and on about this but don't know how far I can go in this forum, and just for your own safety look it up yourself, google etc.

Wishing you health always.