angry and depressed over dx

[mbs730]

Well last week I was told by my therapist that I have
borderline personality disorder and I hate to say this but I think he
had hit it on the nose. It makes perfect sense don't you think? The
pathetic thing is, the way I had taken that news is how I would have
reacted if I was told by a dr that I had a terminal disease!! LOL if
you are going through the 5 steps of the grieving process by this kind
of news.... then there is something really wrong because that is how I
was. I just didn't want a thing to do with anyone. if it wasnt for my
kids I would have just stayed in bed. I just didn't want a thing to do
with anything! I have accepted this, but I still am very depressed and
angry over it too. Who wouldnt be I guess... so thats great, now I have
a label BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, and 2 phobias ruling my life,
anxiety issues, body image issues.. and I refuse to go on prescribed
meds because of the weight gain aspect of it. I have NEVER heard of one
drug that doesnt do that to you and I think it's terrible that these
drugs have that horrid side effect. So I'm just going to stick it out
with the kava kava for now. If anything it's helping me relax more but
it doesnt exactly erase this either. I'm lucky that the one health
store near me sells it since not many stores in Canada carry it
anymore. Man oh man I make the PERFECT Christmas dessert... THE
FRUITCAKE! Well I thought I would share..



Miriam

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[emms]

Miriam~


I, too, have BPD. It's a crazy disorder and if you need any guidance, please feel free to PM me. I just read a great book about it (BPD demystified by Robert Friedel). When I was told several years ago, I was relieved, because I had been diagnosed with everything else under the sun. Please know that you need to find a counselor that is trained helping people with BPD. It's extremely serious. Also, please make a promise to yourself that you won't leave when they tell you there is something wrong with you (we tend to do that....because the therapist becomes the devil). I have a deal with my counselor that I must give her three very logical reasons that I cannot make my appointment. Please please please contact me if you have questions. I know that this is a difficult diagnosis that is not easily cured, but you can and will get better! Also, you can email me at [email protected]. Hope to talk with you soon!


Mara


P.S. There are several studies that show that Kava Kava is bad for those with BPD. (Just some food for thought!)

[mbs730]

yeah I know how that is, uggh. Someone is great one
minute and awful the next. Thanks for the support though. I tried st
johns wort but it increased my blood pressure. I am too afraid to take
prescription drugs because of the weight gain aspect of it. I havent
heard that kava kava is bad for BPD, where did you read that?



Miriam

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[emms]

Miriam~
I've actually read it a few places. Because Kava Kava is not FDA regulated, you never really know what kind of dose you are looking at, but if you talked it over with your MD, and he/she approved it, go with it. What works for you, may not work for me. As far as gaining weight with meds, there are several out there that will combat it. I found that with the meds that actually worked (Celexa and Lexapro) I gained weight only because I was calm enough to eat (where as now I am a stress ball filled with anxiety, so I won't eat). I don't know if it has been approved for BDP, but Wellbutrin may be another option. It does not work on the same brain chemicals as the others. I don't want to give you bad advice, so I would ask Sage and she may be able to make some suggestions.

The most beneficial thing that you can do is see your counselor, though. It is a common thing in people with BPD to want the quick fix (i.e.meds), but it is the therapy that will change the "irrational" behavior. I have found that my biggest obsticle (i don't think I spelled that right!) has been setting and maintaining boundaries. (It is for many people with BPD) And only through therapy I have been able to identify healthy boundaries, and I have begun to maintain them. I urge you to read some books about BPD (not internet stuff) written by people with BPD or doctors that specialize in the disorder. When I was diagnosed I thought that I was completely broken and unfixable because the preliminary research I did was with old material. You will read a lot that BPD is something that can be helped but not cured (I personally think that is a load of s***), there are many studies done in the last few years that dispute that. It is a LONG journey, but you have to want to get better and be consistent about it (I know that's hard, I struggle with it everyday!!). Please, email me at anytime if you need any resources, or if you just want to vent. I know this can be frustrating, but you will get through it!

[sage]

emms,


that's really good advice - I agree completely!


Miriam, hang in there and take emm's advice! stick with your therapist, and work hard in therapy. There IS light at the end of every tunnel. If you want to get well, you can. yes, it will take a long time, but it's surely worth the wait.


all the best

[mbs730]

wow its no wonder I feel like no one likes me lol, this feels like a cuse it really does</font>

[emms]

I'm confused...? What do you mean?

[mbs730]

What I mean is that with BPD you feel like too the whole
world is against you, and that is how I am always feeling. I watch
everyone else being cut slack for their mistakes and whenever I make a
mistake its like people treat me as if I had committed murder or
something. I have always felt like no one takes me seriously either.
Whether thats true or not I dont know but that is how I feel all the
time. I feel like this is a big curse but... eventually I'll learn to
deal with this. I just got the news not that long ago and I am still
having trouble digesting this (not the best choice of terms on this
board I know) but you know what I mean. I really dont agree with meds
either being the quick fix, but on the same token I take the kava kava
to calm me down. Sometimes I find it too calming and it makes me a
little incoherent at times. Actually I went on celexa briefly when I
had the PPD with my daughter and got right off of it because I was
gaining so much weight. Thanks for being there for me.



Miriam

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[emms]

Miriam~


See, that's the thing about BPD, there is a certain amount of what I will call paranoia (not the right word). You need to understand that because of the disorder, if truly does appear that everyone is out to get you, or to be your best friend. It's such a hard disorder because everything is black or white. There is almost never an in between. I've seen it mirrored on the board...there are days that you are very excited to talk with people and other days you are obviously angry at people. BPD is all about controlling impulsivity (loving someone one second and hating them the next) and controlling the emotions contained within the impulses. I have a really hard time with love. (Most people with BPD, it's anger). I idealize so many people (just because that's how my BP mind works), only to have them fail me, and I continue to love them, whereas most people would have kicked them to the curb, and therefore I am always the victim. (That's one of my things!). Anyway, I don't want to compare your situation to mine, because I know that they are both unique, so please, email me and we can chat!


If you need anything, please let me know!


Mara

[mbs730]

Oh I am a very angry person! And its terrible... I hate
that. And you are right about there not being an in between, either
someone is good or evil! You have no idea how many times I have called
someone the devil all due to something really trivial that they have
done to me. Thanks for your support.



Miriam

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