I thought I was getting better... Since I joined this site a few days ago, I've been feeling like I could stand up to most anything.... *sigh*.......
I was at a friend's house last night where there was a small gathering of people. . . . and alcohol. The night started off pretty well, everything seemed fine, and I was having fun even though I was the only one not drinking. One of my friends who was there is kind of an odd guy, so I don't take him seriously most of the time(especially if he's been drinking)... but last night he kept talking about how he wanted to drink until he v*ed. Needless to say, I started freaking out, especially when he just kept going back for more and more to drink. We were all sitting and watching TV at some point, trying to think of something to do, and he started joking about feeling like he was going to v*... so I asked him in all seriousness if he thought he was going to, and he said yes, even though I could tell he was lying. But still, I got up and went to the next room, to hear him make fake v* sounds (I HATE those!!!!!). *sigh* So later, as the evening was drawing to a close,a differentfriend (whose house we were at) told me that she wasn't feeling well. She hadn't drank much, if anything, so I knew it wasn't that, which meant that I was worried she was nauseous or something, and continued to freak out even more, because I figured I would catch whatever she had. As I was saying bye to everyone, someone spilled a drink behind me, and someone screamed, so instantly I thought my drunk friend had v*ed, and I FREAKED, which made my other friends think I was nuts. Shortly after, when I found out everything was okay, I most certainly wasn't, and had to get out of there, so I did, and several people left at the same time I did (they were going back to the same dorm). I just wanted to go for a walk, so I left them and commenced having a panic attack. A few minutes later, I looked back to see my friend who said she wasn't feeling well walking, trying to catch up to me... I found out that she wasn't sick, and I felt my panic wash away from me. I was SO relieved!!! Apparently she had been under a lot of stress, and having a lot of people at her house was making her have a panic attack, not because of emetophobia, but I assured her I understood how she was feeling and we walked and talked about our problems for a while. It was really quite a comforting night... after we were done walking, we just sat and talked and looked at the stars... and were there for each other.
So... even though everything turned out okay in the end, there was a period of about 30 minutes in there somewhere, when I was definitely NOT okay. It was absolutely awful... I just wanted to die. It really scares me that I still get that way... it really scares me that I have no control over this. I'm really scared it's going to prevent me from living my life. I'm just really scared. . . .
If there's anything you could suggest that might help in any way... please let me know.
Living in fear,
-Zach-
<center><font face=\"Times New Roman, Times, serif\"><font size=\"2\">Bach gave us God\'s word,
Mozart gave us God\'s laughter,
Beethoven gave us God\'s fire,
God gave us music that we may pray without words.</center></font></font>