Dirty Smelly Neighbour - What Would You Do?

[Francesca]

I live in an apartment building. My elderly neighbour across the hall is disgustingly dirty. I mean, you can literally smell him coming around the corner... and when he opens his door, or sometimes even if you walk by it (I think the stench seeps through the space at the bottom of the door) you smell something like a combination of rotting corpse and bodily fluids. I'm not exaggerating.

Now, this man is elderly and alone. Completely alone. And very nice. And I feel bad for him so I do say hi and have a quick chit-chat with him (from a reasonable distance while I try not to inhale) whenever I see him.

I guess because he has nobody, he slipped a note under my door asking if I'd like to get together for his birthday this weekend, at my place, to play scrabble and have some wine and cheese which he will bring. Now normally that would be nice... but there is no way I can have this man in my home, let alone eat anything with him... and I certainly can't go to his place - I'd pass out from the stench - and I think he knows this which is why he suggested my place. I couldn't even sit across from him in a restaurant or any other public place either because he is soooooo dirty and smells so bad.

So what do I do? I feel so bad for him because it's his BIRTHDAY and he's OLD and ALONE and I'd love to be able to do something nice for him but seriously, I'd start retching... not to mention I'd then have to bleach my entire apartment from top to bottom after he left.

So how would you handle this, without hurting his feelings. I was thinking I could say I'm going away this weekend (and then not come out of my apartment until monday ) but then that would require a raincheck.

How do I get out of doing this EVER?!

[jamie77]

What about a park or sitting area outside your apt. building? You would be able to get some fresh air and have the ability to head out whenever you feel like it(and I would totally volunteer to bring the cheese or other finger foods already separated onto two plates...for convenience sake, of course, lol). I think that it would make both of you feel good. I'm so scared of ending up old and completely alone, so I am very nice to the elderly folks I run into. Just making them smile boost my happiness, too. You never know...he might just take a shower beforehand if he has something to look forward to.

[Francesca]

Yeah that would be a good idea except I'd have to sit beside him on a park bench and even out in the fresh air, he stinks... especially if there's any kind of breeze.

Thanks for replying.

[abbu]

Yeah, I'd definitely make sure we're outside in a park or somewhere. Being outside in the fresh air is better than being cooped up in the apartment with the smell. And I agree, he will probably have a wash because he is doing something for his birthday, and he is looking forward to it. Perhaps if the smell gets too much for you, you could suggest taking a walk?

[olschesky]

that is soooo sad that he is alone......

have you reported the smell coming from his aprtment to the landlord? he may be a hoarder and living in some very unsafe conditions......

anways, back to his birthday..........i would try to find a little outdoor space ........i wouldn't want him in my place either......if outside isn't possible i would just bake him a cake or buy a little gift and give it to him.....but tell him i was sorry i was busy and couldn't do the birthday "party" thing.......

good luck

[Francesca]

Yes the rotting corpse smell eminating from his apartment was reported by several tenants, and the building got him a home cleaning service and a personal care worker. They literally gutted his place and did a massive top to bottom cleaning, and I guess they helped bath him?? don't know.... but that was last year and now he and it smell AGAIN. So I don't know what's going on with that.

The outside thing won't work because with emetophobia I'm afraid if I get a wiff of him, I might gag, and how embarrassing would that be? And there's no way I could put any food or drink to my mouth with him right beside me. So I think I'm going to have to lie and come up with an excuse why I can't get together with him and get him a gift like you suggestd olschesky.... except instead of a cake maybe I'll give him a gift basket stuffed with personal hygeine products.

I really don't know why he doesn't wash. He's mobile. He walks and travels by public transit, so he should be able to shower.

[hadenough]

Id personally either have it outside and make sure you are sitting upwind of him so if the wind picks up you dont smell him, or burn heaps of oil in your place and have him in for a little while

I know its bad i have a friend who is a bit like that and yes i clean like mad after she has visited and i scrub myself like mad if i go to her place but some people just dont have any idea on personal hygiene.

It would be terrible to be that age and have no-one to celebrate your birthday with

[shootingstar]

Oh that's so sad.. The poor thing, I hate to hear old people being alone..I always wonder what happened to their family & why they are all alone now.

I can understand how you would feel though being so close to him if he smells that bad. We actually have an unfortunate lady living in our town whom never bathes -her clothes literally rot off her, her hair is all clumped together & she has huge long black curly fingernails. She smells soo bad. I used to have to serve her when I was working in retail & I had to hold my breath for as long as I could, take the money out of her 'scary' hands then call someone down so I could dash to the bathroom & scrub my hands. You also new she was in the shop without even seeing her as her smell was so bad & distinct! The poor thing though I really did feel sorry for her & did my best to be friendly but it was so hard to open my mouth around her.

Maybe if you really wanted to do something for him you could wear a really Strong perfume & get that smell in your nose so nothing else could enter lol or maybe smother a hankie in eucalyptist oil & hold that up to your nose when you start smelling him

Goodluck with what you decide to do xx

[Francesca]

Yes exactly! He's like that! You can smell him in the room before you even see him.

Maybe I can put some of that stuff under my nose that coronors use when they do an autopsy? What is that? haha

I do feel really bad for him because he's all alone B'UT, in my opinion, and not everyone may agree, unless a person is an invalid or physically disabled, there is NO excuse to live in filth and walk around smelling like death. Can't people like that smell themselves?? If I miss deoderant one day I "smell" myself and I'm a clean freak in every sense of the word. So it boggles my mind how anyone can live like that. I really wish I could just be honest with him and tell him that if he'd just bathe and change his clothes, I'd love to celebrate his birthday with him. But obviously I can't do that.

I'm conflicted - on the one hand I feel so bad for him, and on the other it pisses me off that he would put me in this position. Ugh!

[hadenough]

Some people cant help it, very much like our phobia they dont know how to clean and it builds to the point where they have no idea where to start.
Also if he is always smelly he would probably not notice the smell , a lot of people like this do have some form of mental illness .
My hubby used to be a cop and he said whenever they were called to a undiscovered death they would put vicks on their top lip to stop any smell getting in their nose so maybe try that lol

[NaiveAndTrue]

He sounds so sad and lonely. I say do it. Sure, it'll be tough, but you'll feel so much better about yourself the next day if you do it than you will if you don't. Try the vicks thing if you need to, but if the situation were reversed, you wouldn't want to be alone on your birthday because people think you're weird for being scared of v*.
It's a few hours, and it could be a tough few hours, but it could be a heartbreaking day for him without it.

[sage]

That's a really tough issue. Obviously the poor fellow can't keep himself and his apartment clean, even with help. The kindest thing you might do is to report him to the health authorities - for his own good. In Canada you can contact the RCMP non-emergency phone number and they can come and check it out under the Health Act. They can take the man away and get him help as well. In Canada he can live in an assisted living residence for free for the rest of his life, so it might be a blessing if you reported him.

As for his birthday, perhaps just let him know that you deal with a lot of anxiety and can't really have people in that you don't know well. Take a deep breath and go over with a card and some flowers or chocolate on the day.

Or do otherwise as you see fit!

[olschesky]

i think it's safe to say he has some sort of mental issues.........makes me sad that he's alone still.

i would definitely report him again to the landlord. if it's been a year since they were in there i'm sure it's really nasty again.

a card and a little gift and a nice excuse is what i would get for him.......

[shootingstar]

Yes the lady in our town now has a mental illness/brain injury...apparently she was a really beautiful & very popular young lady when tragically she was run over on a pedestrian crossing which is why she is the way she is today. A very sad story.

Just out of curiosity, how old is he?

[Francesca]

I really appreciate everyone's input on this and all your suggestions. Thank you.

I'm not sure exactly how old he is but my guess is he's in his 70s.

As much as I know I "should" just do it, I really can't. It wouldn't just be a couple uncomfortable hours for me, it would set me back big time and I've come too far to let anyone come in the way of me and my recovery.

I can overlook and deal with just about any kind of "weird" because I'M weird too, but I'm hyper-sensistive to smells... that's one of my biggest triggers. I do like the idea of putting Vicks under my nose though haha! I can say I have a cold! Better yet, maybe I can slather Vicks all over him!!

I like the idea of just telling him that because of my anxiety issues, I can't make it. That wouldn't be entirely a lie because during the worst of my phobia, I really did have an extremely difficult time with company and/or visiting someone... especially when food was involved.

I really wish I could just be honest with him and say that I think he's a lovely man, because he is, and I would love to spend time with him, but his lack of hygeine makes it impossible. This is such a touchy subject though.

[cherylcupcake]

If I were you I'd slip a note under his door anonymously. Of course a very nice one saying what a nice man he is. And maybe give him some numbers he can call that can help him out. Atleast he wouldn't have to go through the embarassment of people coming unannounced to clean him up. Before my grandfather passed he was like that.. He was stubborn and wouldn't clean his room there was a thick layer of grime on the floor/surfaces. Not clutter just filth. And he smoked like a chimney so his walls were discolored. Apparently years before something hapened that made him afraid of water. Pools showers etc. He didn't smell too bad because he'd sponge bathe every so often and when my sister would cut his hair shed wash it in the sink since that's the only time it would get clean. Maybe he's afraid of slipping in the shower? I hope there's a way you can reach out to him so that neither of you are uncomfortable. Good luck with everything!

[driftinggoddess]

well.. i know it was mentioned, go to a park with a picnik table then you wont be sitting next to him. i know alot of parks have picnik tables.

if inside your apt, have alot of air freshner plug ins, candles and smell good things.

i kninda know your situation but mine is alittle worse, i moved into a new home have a new room mate, not im not trash talking overweght people but he is so overweight and lazy he doesnt showe he cant walk from one side of the house to the other so he lives off his couch, well he smells HORRID and there is nothing seperating the basement stairs from the up stairs, when we have the windows open its fine otherwise omg its nasty bad

[Francesca]

I didn't get together with him - his birthday was yesterday - I made an excuse. I gave him a birthday card. I feel like a horrible person but seriously, I cannot be around someone who smells that bad no matter how nice, old, or alone they are. We're not talking your regular run of the mill body odour, we're talking rotting corpse smell. I don't know if any of you have ever smelled a decaying body (I have - that's another story for another day) but it's a very distinct smell, and seriously, without exaggerating, he smells on the verge of decaying flesh.

[BreaRose]

Well, atleast you got him a card and didn't just completely blow him off like he doesn't exist, that's good!
But I would definantly report to the landlord again that he is probably living in unsanitary conditions again and the stench is back. It kind of sounds like, also, that he was reaching out to you because maybe he feels like it's time for a change but can't initiate it? He may realize he lives in filth or is filthy but just doesn't have the mental tools to change his situation. I think the best thing you can do for him is to tell the landlord and if they have a cleaning crew come over again, maybe towards the end of the cleaning show up with some fragrant flowers or even a little candle heater/oil burner for him as a gesture of a fresh new home.

Maybe next time you guys want to have a get together, maybe offer to go to a pool? And if he is ok with that, it would be good excersize, he would atleast get in some chlorine water which would kill a little of the smell and you would have an excuse to wear a nose plug!

[Rick82]

He may have Trimethylaminuria (fish odor syndrome). I'm not what services you have in Canada but in the US we have COSA which is County Office of Services for the Aging and they offers loads of help for free to the elderly. I hope things work out and you can take him up on his offer sometime soon cause it must be awful being old and alone.

[Francesca]

LOL I love the pool suggestion! Except, even with the chlorine, it would gross me out to get in it with him.

We have a lot of services for disabled and elderly people who cannot take care of themselves BUT as long as the person is of sound mind, they have the right to refuse those services. I'm thinking that is what may be happening here - I don't know for sure though.

I think it's a good idea to call the landlord again so they can do a follow-up because if this gets any worse, it becomes an issue that affects his neighbours "reasonable enjoyment of their home" so in that case, something CAN be done even against his will.

My only concern is that someone may decide that he can't live here anymore, and I really don't want him kicked out... although they wouldn't just throw him out on the street - they'd find him a suitable home with support, but still.

This is such a delicate situation on so many levels.

[crd08]

I feel so bad for him.

[abbu]

I feel so bad for him.

Me too!

[IluvMichaelJackson]

Poor guy, I feel so bad for him. Perhaps you could get him to join a social club with people his own age, and he might make some friends and perhaps meet a lady friend, then he might make an effort, and clean up a bit.

[leo905]

I had this happen with an elderly lady who lives across from me. Over the summer, our hallway got smellier by the day. This went on for 2 months. I spoke with her in a nice way by saying "Would you mind if I put a basket of pot pourie in the hall to make is smell fresher because I have noticed it hasn't been smelling fresh at all". She didn't mind so I did it. I also called her family. They went through her house and found several bags of rotten groceries that she forgot about and a dead mouse! They cleaned it up and the smell went away. Maybe call the landlord to investigate? This man needs help in some way. It is nice that he trusts you.