How it Started and Festered
Hey everyone,
I'm new to the forums, and am really just looking to connect with people who will understand where I'm coming from.
My name is Lee I'm 21 and have had emetophobia and mild agoraphobia for about 7 years. This November 24th marks the 7th year. I can actually pin point the day it began. I was in a restaurant with my parents. I'd eaten before going out but thought I had room for desert, and didn't want to anger my parents so I went with them. We sat in the very small restaurant for a bit, ordered the food, and mom started talking to me. I listened to how she talked about interpreting dreams, and then the food came and I got chicken parmisan. I didn't order it or want it but I tried to eat it, because they expected me to and would worry if I didn't. I ate 5 bites and before I finished the 5th one I got a strange faint head ache and started to feel weak, light headed, and sweaty. My stomach began to ache. I got nervous and went to the bathroom, but only went like normal, no V*. I tried to go back out and compose myself and stick it out quietly. The stomach pain stayed, though, and I began to panic. My dad asked me what was wrong, but I was so ashamed I only mumbled quietly that I was okay. My mom did the same and I snapped a small grumble I was fine. She gets upset and turns away from me quiet, stiff, and seething. My dad sat next to me looking around not sure of what to do. He asked me if I got sick in the bathroom, and my heart jumped. "No!" I said. I bent over and looked down, huddled in my seat obsessing over not getting sick. "It's been years since I got sick! Not today! Not out here!!" I mulled over in my mind repeatedly.
Finally they asked if I wanted to sit in the car and I did. They took about 20 minutes to a half hour before getting to the car. When they got to the car I sat in the back and took some of the food they gave me to hold. All the while the sick feeling isn't getting any better and I start to break down everything into minutes to gauge how long I've gone without getting sick. I'm shaking in my seat, shifting my legs in a helpless attempt to do something, anything. When we get home my body feels very heavy and moving out of the car is extremely difficult. They hand me some more doggie bags to carry inside. I say nothing and carry everything inside. I drop the bags onto the kitchen floor and spend the rest of the night hauled up in my room just sitting on my bed waiting for something to happen. Nothing happens, I just feel awful all night and when I go to bed. No one talks about anything.
The next day and from that day on for 8 months solid I would wake up, spend the whole day, and sleep feeling light headed, sweaty, nauseous, weak, and heavy with a constant hot ball in my throat and turn in my stomach. And I would feel constant anxiety that never quit. I broke down my days into minutes. Every 5 minutes I would look at the clock trying to gauge how much longer I could go before asking to go to the bathroom [at school]. This I did without fail. No one suspected a thing, or if they did they didn't say anything.
I could not go out. Period. The very thought of going out gave me panic attacks. I had some unknown illness that kept me sick on a constant basis, and wasnt about to V* in public (though I never V* just felt nauseous). I asked my parents to take me to the doctor. They procrastinated the issue for 4-5 months before getting me a check up with my doctor. I felt helpless for 4-5 whole months. I went into survival mode and developed a plathora of strange habits in a mindless and desperate attempt to lessen the pain. I had foods that were safe to eat and foods that weren't; going out was only acceptable if it was for school; no white clothes in case I did get sick; anything. I ultimately became terrified of the pain and the possibillity of V*. If I felt nauseous for no reason with no end in site, what would my life be like if I actually got sick. Would I V* everyday? I was in such a place of uncertainty and so blind to what was happening to me I became consumed by the anxiety and very few options I had of coping with it.
When finally I went to the doctor we told her i had stomach aches and nausea with no cause. She ordered a blood test to make me feel better and then told my mom to get me a psychiatrist (I had to over hear this no one mentioned it to me). No one mentioned a psychiatrist to me or set up an appointment with one. I was called by the doctor and told the blood test came back and everything was fine. After that I'd never seen another doctor of any kind up until just this summer. I was on my own ever since for several years.
Last year going to college forced me to get health insurance, which I was fine with and planned to use to my advantage. I asked my mom to help me get a new doctor since I'd never even dealt with a doctor in years. She said we would get to it and procrastinated me for months. I finally got a new primary doctor and gastroenterologist just this summer and visited them a few times throughout the summer to help me figure out what causes my stomach problems. So far nothing has been found, as the blood tests came back negative and diets havent shown anything.
Over the years I generally became desensitized to going out and going to restaurants and the idea of V*. Im on the cusp of getting better and relapsing, and I guess I just needed to find some people who have gone through emetophobia and agoraphobia (that resulted from it) to help me finally push myself to being fine once and for all. For years I obsessed over what made me sick and why for so long, but now I dont even care. The aftermath of the 'survival techniques' I used to deal with the pain still haunt me and I need to stop this once and for all.
I know this is a long winded post, so thanks for reading if you did.
Welcome to the International Emetophobia Society | The Web's Largest Meeting Place for People With Emetophobia.
Reply With Quote
and thankyou, I'm glad I found other people who understand this experience I've been going through. 