Finally lost the plot

[nicki]

well today i have managed to convince myself i have caught a stomach bug off a 10 year old child i dont even know has one herself! She came to my house yesterday and my pure assumption is that she looked quite pale, which i know some people always look pale, she kept pulling her trousers away from her tummy while sitting down (she had a massive silver clasp on the belt so she probably was just trying to stop it digging in) and also refused our offer of a cookie (and apparently she doesnt really like cookies so that wasnt that unusual).


Ok, so i can rationalise, she did not once say she felt unwell and seemed quite lively so why am i scared?


ive had a really bad day today, ive deleted my boyfriends phone number from my mobile and deleted all my contacts off msn cos ive ahd enough of everyone. In 4 weeks i'll be 21, all my so-called friends are having big parties for their 21st birthday, yet i cannot find one person who wants to spend the day with me so I'll end up alone again. My boyfriend has told me he cant see us staying together much longer and has given us 5 weeks in which i have to improve things, and the only way i can do that is to pretend im ok. i dont know why i am so scared to lose him, i know this sounds really sad but im completely devoted to him but sometimes i wonder whether he even loves me. He told me today that sometimes he hates me because of all this. I sometimes think that if i had just one person who loved me and chose to be with me things would be better. I have only 3 friends, and they dont know about my ocd, self harm or emet.

[chloe]

Nicki I'm so sorry things aren't going well for you at the moment. Have you thought about therapy? You sound very very depressed to me and the doc would really be able to help with that. Are you currently on any meds?


My advice may seem a little harsh but try going to the doc to talk about all this and how you are feeling. Meds would make you feel better and happier. I get the feeling that your boyf may just be feeling a little frustrated with the situation because there isn't a lot he can do to make you feel better - this alone says he cares.


I hope you feel happier soon - and please make an appointment with the doc to talk about all that is bothering you.


I went to may doc - wanting therapy for emet - she put me on seroxat which I resented at the time but being able to have a degree of control over my anxiety has made me feel happier. I'm still taking it 2 years on but have reduced the dosage by half. Am slowly coming off it -as I feel stronger and more able to deal with things I wasn't able to deal with 2+ years ago.


Keep strong, babe