Lonely, but not alone.
Hey everyone.
I'm new here, as you all can see, and I've been surfing the forum for a bit. I have tears streaming down my face because it's such a relief to find a group of people who get it. This fear is so overwhelming and always present and not many people understand it. They might think they do and share gems like "nobody likes to throw up" and "it's better out than in!" thinking it will help. I feel very lonely in my phobia, but here I know that at least I am not alone. Thank you.
My fear really started getting out of hand when I was about 13 years old. Before that I had always been wary - for example my mother told me always to wear a sweater in air conditioned areas because if you didn't and it was hot outside the temperature difference would make me sick. She said vomitting because I guess she knew I was sensitive to that, but I think that the only consequence that could come out of that was a cold. Or maybe she didn't say vomitting at all, but I only assumed it was as it was the most horrible consequence I could think of. But it really started taking off one night when my mother came into my messy room to say goodnight, and ended the nightly ritual by saying "If you get sick on all the stuff on your floor, I am not cleaning it for you." ..... I stayed up a long time that night and each night after that thinking my mother things I am getting sick and because I adored my mother I thought everything that came out of her mouth was the truth. I was horrified at the idea that my mum thought that if I got sick it would cover the entire floor. I suffered from insomnia for 3 years, only sleeping maybe 3 hours a day because I was so afraid to wake up and have to be sick. Sometimes still I stay up very, very late because I want to make sure I am not sick. Tonight is one of those nights. I do not blame my mother for this. It is not her fault that I let silly comments spin out of control in my head. This is entirely mine. Perhaps it can be compared to someone saying "you shouldn't drink that much soda" to someone, and that person later developing anorexia. The fear, of being fat or vomitting, was already there. It most probably would have spun out of control anyway. My little twinge of fear turned into emetophobia because I let it happen.
I am now 23. And this phobia has taken over me and my life and made it all hell. I just started CBT and I am simultaneously absolutely terrified, determined and doubtful. How can anything cure me from this awful, awful phobia? I just don't see how I can live without being afraid.
For about 9 years I went without throwing up. But then my dad died and in my grief I started paying less attention to expiration dates and I was feeling a bit reckless... and I ate some bad food. Of course it gave me food poisoning. In a way I felt like it was almost like a gift from my dad to push me into confronting my fear. Indeed, only a few months after that I was struck with food poisoning again - this time two days before my husbands's best friend's wedding. We had traveled in from another state and I had never met these people before and I spent the afternoon and evening in their bathroom. I felt TERRIBLE for the bride-to-be. I imagined myself in the same situation and the hairs stood up on my neck. I would have DIED from fear if something like that happened. The next day I was fine even though we had to take a 3 hour car journey to the location of the wedding. Then that night my husband drank too much and threw up several times in the bathroom. I cried myself to sleep and I was very angry with him for doing it. The next test came the day after at the wedding itself. They catering people had apparently served some pretty raw chicken. I soldiered through it, not showing my panic because I didn't want to ruin the party. The next time I was struck with food poisoning was on the eve of my brother's birthday. My sister had come in from three hours away to celebrate. It was like another challenge. I've always been so afraid right before special days like birthdays or christmas that I or someone else in my family would get sick and miss the day. It didn't ruin the day. I was still able to participate in the celebrations. It wasn't the end of the world. My husband has been struck with different stomach viruses during the time we've been living together - but I have been spared. But the absolute horror of hearing him retch in the bathroom and then crying because his stomach hurt so bad.... it makes my heart race just typing it.
My biggest fear is getting the noro virus. In the winter I do not go out unless I absolutely have to. I do not like people coming into my home because I do not know if they have been exposed to the virus. I overcook my food. I spray lysol everywhere. I use hand sanitizer to an alarming degree. I hate cleaning the bathroom because I fear I will accidentely ingest something that will make me sick. I've lost all my 'irl' friends because they got sick of me always declining invitations to parties (1, someone might be carrying a virus 2, someone might get sick from drinking too much) or something simple as going to a cafe and hanging out. Every meal has me on edge for hours after while I constantly check myself for signs of food poisoning. A twinge in my stomach makes me spin out of control in panic attacks. I'm afraid to poop because I am afraid it will be runny and that might mean I'm sick. I'm afraid when my husband goes to the bathroom because I don't know what he's doing in there.
I am constantly on edge, I am constantly afraid, I am constantly readying myself. This is my truth. I've hid it for so many years, not wanting to jinx myself but I don't want to hide anymore. This is part of who I am, for now. In any case, if all goes well with my CBT, it will be part of who I was for a very long time.
I feel a bit better now, having shared in complete honesty without holding back because I'm afraid people will think I am just a bit too weird.
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